The Gift Redux
by A Rogue Slayer
Summary: Kind of AU Gift and season 6. Some similar concepts, except Buffy's nicer to Spike in my stories than in the real show. But not always...
1. The Gift

Disclaimers: While I do have Spike tied up in my basement, I don't think I have permission to make a profit off him or any of the other Scoobs. And he keeps saying his name is James, for some reason. Tricky vamp!  
  
Ok, a little explanation of this alternate universe. If anything isn't clear and you're curious, feel free to let me know. Also, my apologies if Buffy seems out of character. To get her to be remotely nice to Spike, I kind of have to take liberties. Anyway, the synopsis:  
  
In this semi-alternate season 5(and later 6) world ....Dawn doesn't exist. The monks put the key ' in' Buffy around the same time they created Dawn in Buffyworld. She's a powerful, successful slayer, good host for the key. She finds out the same way she did with Dawn in Buffyworld-the monk. Spike realizes the gang is keeping a big secret from him, so he breaks into the Magic Box and reads Giles' journal-finds out that way about Buffy being the key. Crush, Intervention, all the Buffy/Spike stuff happens, except he's trying to protect her and not Dawn. Glory finds out about Buffy same way- poor, crazy Tara. They all take off in the RV, have the standoff with the Crusade rejects, Buffy gives herself to Glory when Ben changes, so the rest of her friends won't be harmed anymore. Buffy is determined to kill herself before Glory gets to use her, but Glory is smart and has a binding power placed over her so she can't move of her own will. At the top of the tower, she is chained up. ( Oh yeah, the 'Doc' guy doesn't play into this scenario) Spike manages to make it up to the top of the tower as the Scoobies remain below holding the minions and lunatics at bay. And this is where we join them.  
  
***  
  
"BUFFY!" Spike calls to her as he closes the distance between himself and Glory, who stands in front of Buffy. Glory turns and waves her hand at him, in an almost dismissive manner. He runs into an invisible barrier about 3 yards from the women. Well, woman and hell-god. His face strains as he kicks and punches at the barrier.  
  
"Oh lookie," Glory laughs. "There's my precious. You were a naughty vampire, running away from me. But I'll forgive you just this once, seeing as I got what I want now. You can run along home. Unless you want to stay for the show. Yeah... I bet you do. Suit yourself!" Glory turned to Buffy. "Won't be long now. Almost time."  
  
"BUFFY!" Spike yells again. He looks at her, not hiding his anguish. She meets his look, but hers is one of resignation. She gives him a weak smile and then looks away. It is all she can do. Her arms and legs are useless to her. Spike wonders why she isn't fighting, but he can guess.  
  
"Now look at this. This is just sweet," Glory mocks as she looks from Buffy to an enraged, thrashing, Spike, and back to Buffy. She walks right up to the barrier, only inches from Spike. "You're not gonna save her, Precious. She's going to open my front door, and I'm going home. I've spent too damned long in this ridiculous realm, and I don't intend to let a skinny vampire stop me." She turns from him, but then her eyes narrow and she turns back. "Oh yeah ... my ass is NOT lopsided!" With that, Glory waves her hand again and Spike feels himself being pushed back further from Buffy. He goes back another yard before the pushing stops.  
  
"Buffy! Luv, can you move? I can't get to you. I can't ... " Spike sees she's given up and tears stream down his face. "NO! Luv ... fight. You have to fight."  
  
"Spike ... it's ok," is all Buffy can manage, and that at a barely perceptible whisper. But Spike hears her, and he crumbles.  
  
"Oh yea! It's time!" Glory says gleefully. She approaches Buffy with a small, jewel encrusted knife.  
  
Spike sees this and flies into a new rage. "HEY! You BITCH! You too scared to handle me once and for all? Musta really twisted your knickers knowing that I escaped from a skank like yourself, huh? You gotta put up a barrier because you know what I could do to you, isn't that right?" Spike repeatedly bangs on the barrier for emphasis.  
  
Glory giggles and looks at Buffy. "Ya know ... if you weren't going to die, I'd say he's a keeper." She turns back to Spike, "Sorry sweetie, can't play now. I'm a little busy." With that, Glory turns back to Buffy and with a quick, deft swipe makes a small cut just below her collar bone. Then one to her stomach. Buffy winces in pain as Spike practically howls as if he were being cut himself. Glory frowns a bit. "This is going to take too long. Blood trickling from all the way up here ... " She kneels down and cuts Buffy on the foot and calf. "Now we're talking. Sooner that door opens, the sooner I'm outta here." She smiles with satisfaction.  
  
Buffy closes her eyes as she feels the wounds stinging. She can feel the cool wind, as high as they are. She can hear Spike ... he has fallen to his knees and is now weeping softly, but she can hear him. He is whispering her name and the word 'no' over and over. Then she senses a great energy from below her. She opens her eyes and looks down. The portal is open.  
  
"Ah! Finally ... It's been real, kiddies. But momma's got some house cleaning to do," at that, Glory takes a small step off the platform and falls into the portal.  
  
Buffy watches her fall and when Glory is no longer visible, Buffy feels her strength returning. Spike senses a change too and advances to her, the barrier gone.  
  
"Buffy. Are you alright? Here, let's get you out of this." With two swift yanks, Spike breaks the chains that hold her. She almost collapses in his arms. She looks down at the portal below them. Then she looks around as other portals seem to open up. Lightning tears through the sky. Fissures open in the earth, spewing fire and steam. From some distant portal, a dragon-like creature flies overhead. Buffy closes her eyes and lowers her head, laying it on Spike's chest.  
  
"Come on, luv. Let's get you off this tower before it crumbles. Doesn't feel all that sturdy to me."  
  
Buffy doesn't react, she simply nuzzles her head against him, smelling the leather of his coat. She wraps her arms around him. He does the same.  
  
In a softer voice, Spike says, "Luv ... we really can't stay up here. Plenty of time for a cuddle down on solid ground, ok?"  
  
Buffy looks up at him and smiles sweetly. She releases him and backs away a bit. "Spike, tell my friends I love them all. Tell them I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused them lately. And thank them, for me. For trying to help me. And ... tell Giles ... tell him he was the best father a girl could ever hope for." She lets out a little sigh as a tear falls.  
  
Spike looks confused, "How about you tell them once we get down from here? I mean, you got a few cuts, but I think you'll make it, pet.  
  
Buffy looks at Spike, then down at the portal below them. The realization hits Spike, hard.  
  
"NO! Bloody hell, NO!" He grabs her arms, trying to shake some sense into her.  
  
Buffy smiles again, a sad smile now. "Spike ... it's the only way. Look, around. All this... I can stop it."  
  
Spike is red with rage, "NO! Whatever gets loose, we can fight it! We've always fought it. Demons, vamps, whatever came, we always fought! YOU always fought. You're the bleedin' Slayer!"  
  
"I know ... and this is how I have to fight this. It's the only way to beat it, Spike. The only way." With this, Buffy reaches up and puts her arms around Spike's shoulders, pulling him down for an embrace. He is shaking his head 'no.' She turns her head, so her lips are very near his ear. "Thank you, Spike. Thank you for everything you've done for me. And ... thank you for loving me."  
  
Spike pulls away from the embrace and grabs her arms again. "No, I won't let you do this, Slayer. You can't just-" His words are cut off by a swift uppercut that sends him sprawling back several feet.  
  
Buffy looks down at him, as he looks up at her in shock. "Take care of them for me, Spike. You're the only one who can now. And take care of yourself." Buffy turns and takes a small step off the platform, much like Glory did. Spike lunges for her, nearly falling off himself. He feels only the slightest tickle of her hair through his fingers before she is gone. Gone.  
  
Spike stares blankly at the ground. He is lying on his stomach, on the platform, where just seconds ago Buffy left him. His arms are still outstretched, downward, as if he might get her if he reaches far enough. The portal is closed. All the portals are closed, but he doesn't notice. The tears fall from his still blank face. They fall a long way down.  
  
As if in a daze, Spike works his way down the platform, to where the rest of the gang are. The minions and others who were working there have all scattered now. Only the Scoobies remain. Willow and Tara are leaning on each other, in equal measure. Xander is carrying Anya. Giles stands looking where the portal had been. They are all in shock. They all start a bit when they hear Spike, his voice low and raw.  
  
"Where is she?"  
  
They each look at him with confusion, then pity. They think he doesn't know what happened. Spike walks past them and stands directly underneath the high platform. He looks up and then down at the ground around him. Then he looks at Giles.  
  
"Where is she? Where is her b ... Where is Buffy?" Spike's face is desperate.  
  
Giles looks down and takes a deep breath. Calmly, he says, "The portal opened and closed. That means she's ... " He can't finish.  
  
"She's what? Dead? I know that, you sodding git. Where is her body?"  
  
Giles looks puzzled. He takes a questioning glance up toward the platform and then back to Spike. "She's not ... up there?"  
  
Spike's face goes cold. "You think I would leave her up there? She jumped. Into the portal. Now where is her bleedin' ... " Spike sighs and searches frantically around the area they are all standing, as if perhaps they just missed seeing her body.  
  
Giles rubs his eyes and shakes his head. "She didn't . she's not down here." Then a flash of realization hits him. "Oh ... dear Lord ... she must have ... she didn't jump through it . she jumped into the portal."  
  
"But it's closed, all the same." Xander walks up beside Giles and steadies Anya on her feet. "It's closed, so that means she's ... dead."  
  
Anya looks thoughtfully at Giles and then says, "But maybe she didn't go into the portal. Maybe the energy from it just ... you know ... her body ... maybe it just ... "  
  
Willow suddenly bursts with rage. "Just what? Just ... just ... vaporized? Maybe Buffy is a million pieces in the air around us? Is that what you're saying?" Willow breaks down in Tara's arms, as her lover caresses her red hair and tries to calm her.  
  
The silence the group holds lasts only a moment. It is broken by the sound of an I-beam crashing through a brick wall and the screaming of the man who threw it. They all look at Spike, vamp-faced and furious. His yellow, glowing eyes cause the group to tense up. He gives them all a guttural growl as he turns and stalks away.  
  
*** TBC-if feedback warrants it! If nobody likes it, I'll give it up. AU fics can be tricky! 


	2. Reentry

Spike sat quietly on the platform, his legs swinging off the front. "Well, luv. It's me again. Bet you wish I'd stop coming here, but frankly I don't have anything better to do. I went patrolling with the wiccan lovers last night. Red is getting pretty good at the witch stuff. And the bot...is pulling her...its weight. Everyone's pretty glad I had it built now. I don't much like patrolling with it. Most times I wonder why I even liked it in the first place. It's not you. Uh, anyway...I looked up the witches tonight for patrolling. Said they were busy. Same with the whelp and his demon lady. Not keen on patrolling with Giles alone. I think he might know...that it was my fault. He hasn't said anything, but he's a smart bloke. And uh, no way I'm going out alone with the bot. So I went alone tonight. I like that best. I get to pretend you're with me, and I can annoy you all night. And when I come against some nasties, I can feel you with me. And we beat them every time, luv. Every time." Spike sighed and re-lit the cigarette that had burned out in his hand. He took a deep drag, blowing the smoke over his head and into the night sky. "It's been forty three days since you...left. I thought it would be a bit easier by now, but it's not. I try to keep up appearances for the Scoobies, they seem to appreciate my help. But I'm barely hangin' on, pet. I'm not sure I can go an eternity without you, because these forty three days already feel longer than my entire 127 years. But I'll keep doing what you asked me to do. Because it's the least I owe-" Spike was interrupted by sounds from below him. They were quiet, but with his supernatural hearing, he could make out voices. He recognized them as the Scoobies. He looked down at them directly below him. They seemed to just be sitting around. Spike sighed and flipped his cigarette off to the side. "Well, luv, guess I'll be going now. I'll be back tomorrow, though. Well, you know that. I'll tell you all about how I nicked my new motorcycle from a gang of hellions."  
  
Spike made his way down the structure slowly, in no particular rush to see her friends. When he reached the bottom, he saw Willow, Tara, Xander, and Anya all sitting around some candles, holding hands. He came up to them cautiously, still curious as to what was up. Without warning, a great, red energy flowed around Willow and the other three leaned away from her. Willow was chanting something as the energy swirled around her. In an instant, the energy was gone, and Willow fell forward, nearly knocking over the candles. The others rushed to her side. Spike spoke up.  
  
"What's going on here? What kind of spell did you just do?" Spike was looking at them all with narrow eyes.  
  
Xander was the first to speak. "It's...nothing. Nothing that concerns you, Spike. Why don't you just go away, leave us alone." When he could see the vampire was not budging, he turned the offensive. "What are you doing here, anyway?"  
  
"I come here every bleedin' night, what's it to you?" Spike clenched his jaw, angry that he had spoken before thinking. It wasn't anyone's business what he was doing here.  
  
Spike stood by, as the others tended to Willow. She came to slowly. When she saw Spike, she got a glint of fear in her eyes. He caught it. He squatted down close to her.  
  
"Alright, Red. What's this all about?"  
  
Willow looked at Spike, then looked around, past the group. Tears filled her eyes. "It didn't work. We had one shot, and it didn't work..."  
  
Spike looked at her harshly, ignoring her tears. "What didn't work? What are you doing here?"  
  
"Spike, like I said, it doesn't concern you. Now leave her alone." Xander stood over Spike, trying to look threatening. Spike gave a little smirk and stood to meet him.  
  
Willow tried to get to her feet, but needed help from Tara. "Stop it. Just stop it. Xander...it didn't work. It doesn't matter any more. I don't care if he knows." Willow sighed in resignation. "We were...we were trying to bring Buffy back."  
  
Spike glared at her with a mixture of confusion and anger. "You what?"  
  
"She...she went into another dimension. Wherever Glory went, Buffy had to have gone there too. I think...I believe they went to the same place. And I couldn't just leave Buffy there...to be tortured in a hell. I don't know what happened to her body...same thing that happened to Glory or Ben's body, I suppose-whatever that was. But I'm sure her soul.is in that hell dimension that is ruled by Glory now. And after Buffy sacrificed herself to save us all, I wasn't about to let her suffer eternal torment at the hands of that bitch." Willow was crying again, now letting Xander comfort her.  
  
Spike closed his eyes and lowered his head, processing all he had heard. The group was silent again, except for Willow's soft weeping. All but Spike sat down on the ground. Something piercing shattered the uneasy quiet. It sounded like screaming, like a woman screaming. It was coming from above them. A small tear of energy widened several hundred feet over their heads. Something fell out of the tear. Spike was the first to realize. He kept his eyes on the falling thing, repositioning himself around the group, nearly stepping on each of them as he moved. The screaming got closer and louder. Spike braced himself for impact. When it hit, Spike crumpled to the ground, holding the fallen thing. The Scoobies surrounded Spike and the thing. As Spike shook away the pain of his head rebounding on the ground, he realized what the fallen thing was. A naked woman. It was Buffy. He couldn't speak. No one could. They all just gaped in amazement. Willow was the first to speak.  
  
"Oh my God! It worked! It worked! She's back. It's...Buffy." Her enthusiasm turned quieter as she saw the rest of the group still in shock. She approached Buffy slowly.  
  
Buffy climbed off Spike and quickly crawled several feet away from the group, looking absolutely terrified. Spike sat up slowly, his eyes never leaving the girl.  
  
"She's...she's naked," was Anya's first statement.  
  
"She's hurt...look at her...all the bruises and cuts..." Tara spoke softly, with much concern.  
  
Spike tilted his head and furrowed his brow a bit. He slowly got up and took off his duster. He slowly approached Buffy. She scooted back further, still scared. Spike put up his hands to try and calm her. He crouched down as close as she would let him get, which was only a couple of yards.  
  
"Buffy...my God, it's you." Spike gave a half-smile before his brow furrowed again. "Can you hear me, luv? Can you understand what I'm saying?"  
  
"Spike, stay away from her. Let us handle this," Xander said forcefully as he approached Buffy. She shied back further.  
  
Spike gave an aggravated sigh and ignored Xander. "Do you understand me?," he asked softly to Buffy again.  
  
Buffy looked at each of the group in turn, a very panicked expression on her face. She finally settled on Spike, and nodded slowly. Spike gave her a smile. "That's my girl. Ok...luv, you're...you must be cold. You should put this on," at that, Spike held up his duster. He tried to approach her with it, but she moved back again. "Ok, ok...I'm just going to lay it here for you, ok? You should put it on." Spike laid the coat in front of Buffy, trying to get it as close to her as possible. She just looked at it for a while. Then she looked at Spike, who wasn't trying to hide his worry. Slowly, she reached out for the coat and pulled it to her. She didn't put it on right away, instead she held it tightly to her body, softly rubbing her face over the material. Then she looked up at everyone still looking at her. She slipped the coat on and stood up, shakily. She held it closed with both hands.  
  
She spoke in a ragged whisper. "Where...what happened?" Buffy rasped.  
  
Before anyone else could answer, Willow stepped in front of Spike and Xander. "Buffy, you're back. We brought you back. You...you were gone. You were someplace very bad, and we brought you back from there.  
  
**  
  
TBC-if there's interest! 


	3. Home is Where the Heart Isn't

Slowly, Buffy slipped on the coat. She kept her eyes down, but shifting constantly. She pulled the coat closed around her and held it there tight. Spike took a deep breath because he knew if he didn't do something to calm himself, he would run and grab her up and never let go. And he could tell that was the last thing she could handle right now. As the rest of the gang slowly crept in behind Spike, Buffy finally leveled her gaze at them. She looked terrified and confused, beyond all reckoning. Spike slowly turned around to face the group.  
  
"You take her home now. Get her a bath, clothes, whatever she'll tolerate. She needs bandaged up too, but don't push it. If she's lookin' too skiddish, you leave her be. Try to get her to sleep, but like I said, don't push anything. Wrong move and I think she'll bolt." The others nodded at Spike. Xander seemed to almost say something, but then refrained. They all just looked at Buffy for a moment until Spike said, "NOW!" in the most commanding voice he could muster at a whisper.  
  
Xander stepped forward toward Buffy. "Uh, Buff? Buffy? WE'RE.....GOING...TO...TAKE.....YOU...HOME...NOW"  
  
"God, you nit, she's not deaf and she understands you just fine. Don't you, pet?" Spike turned to Buffy. She nodded shakily.  
  
Xander approached her slowly and put out his arms to direct her toward his car. She walked warily, keeping some distance between herself and the others. Willow, Tara, and Anya followed slowly. They put Buffy in the back of Xander's SUV, where she would have some room to herself. She stayed huddled in Spike's coat the entire way-never saying a word. Anya started to ask Buffy something, but Xander elbowed her. She pouted and wondered aloud why they were all being so quiet when they should all be happy. No one else spoke during the trip.  
  
When they reached Buffy's house, Spike was already there, sitting on the porch. He stood up when he saw the car pull in and started pacing around the porch.  
  
Xander let Buffy out of the back and she climbed out slowly. She stood for a moment, looking up at her house. Then she noticed Spike standing on the porch. He had stopped pacing when he saw her and now he was just staring at her. She quickly averted her eyes when she noticed he was looking at her. Spike automatically looked away too, though he wasn't entirely sure why. Buffy noticed that everyone was looking at her and she started to make her way up to the house. Spike stood to the side, a bit too far, and again he wasn't sure why. Xander quickly scooted in front of Buffy to unlock the door. He started talking to her in a low voice.  
  
"We, uh, we kept everything just like you left it. Mostly. Will and Tara have stayed here off and on since...well.....We just wanted to make sure everything was ok for when we...for when you.....came back. Anyway, it's pretty much like it always was. I put in some shelves in the kitchen and I widened the closet in the guest bedroom..." Xander trailed off when he saw Buffy near tears.  
  
She stood in the middle of the living room, all her friends looking at her, and she was softly crying.  
  
"Oh, um, I can take the shelves out. Not a problem. I can put everything back just the way--" he stopped when she looked up at him, her eyes still wet. "No," she said softly, almost too softly. "Everything is ok. I just...it's all...so much...I can't..."  
  
Willow stepped forward, "Of course, Buffy, we understand. It's all a lot to take in. All this 'you being not dead' stuff. And we're going to leave you alone as soon as we're sure you're ok."  
  
"Yeah, because...we all love you and we just want you to be...ok," Tara piped in.  
  
Buffy smiled...but it didn't really resemble a smile. "I'm ok, guys. I just..." Buffy shook her head as words failed her.  
  
Anya took this chance to finally ask her question. "So where were you? What was it like?"  
  
The rest of the group shot her a look, but then they slowly looked at Buffy, expectation in their eyes.  
  
"Buffy, you don't have to talk about it," Willow finally said. "We can tell that wherever you were, it was...bad. You don't have to discuss it until you're ready."  
  
"And if you never want to, that's ok too." Tara added with a weak smile.  
  
"Well, of course she'll want to. I mean, this is pretty big stuff. And I'm sure Giles will want all the juicy details for his boring Watcher's journals. She *has* to talk about it eventually. It's part of her sworn duty or something." Anya got more looks from the group, and then they all laid into her.  
  
"She does NOT have to talk about it!"  
  
"It's not her duty!"  
  
"Why wouldn't she talk about it?!"  
  
As the group argued in front of her, Buffy lowered her head and seemed to withdraw inside the coat. Spike thought she looked so small, that maybe the coat would swallow her whole. She looked like that's what she wanted too, he thought. After a few moments of the arguing, Spike got fed up. He stormed from the back of the group and stood in front of Buffy, his back to her. He addressed the group with a loud growl and his vamp face. They all jumped at the sound and sight and took two steps back in unison. Spike let his face change back to the chiseled human features before he turned to Buffy. Her eyes were wide, but softened when she saw he wasn't wearing his demonic face. He lowered his head a bit, like a shy schoolboy.  
  
"What do you need right now, Buffy?" His voice was soft and calm, and sounded so good to her compared to the melee that she had just witnessed.  
  
"I want to be alone, for a while." Buffy eyes were pleading for some peace.  
  
"Right. You got it, luv." With that, Spike turned to the group and said, "You heard the lady. Everyone out!" He started toward the door himself when the arguing started again.  
  
"We can't just leave her alone here!"  
  
"She just got back from hell, I don't think she needs to be alone."  
  
"We should stay with her. She needs to be bandaged and fed, she can't do that on her own. Look at her!"  
  
With a groan, Spike shouted just enough to be heard, "She's fine. She wants to be alone, and you bloody lot are gonna let her."  
  
Xander dismissed Spike with a shake of his head, "Buff, look, I know you want some time alone. But we just don't think it's a good idea. Why don't you pick someone. Just one of us. We'll stay here and stay out of your way. We'll just make sure you are ok and help if you need something. Won't say a word, just be here to help," now Xander's eyes were pleading with his friend.  
  
Buffy sighed and nodded wearily. She continued looking at the ground when she said, "Spike. I want Spike to stay."  
  
She couldn't see the hurt faces of her friends, or the mile wide smile that Spike wore. Xander argued.  
  
"No, that's *so* not gonna happen. We're not going to let--" he stopped when Willow put her hand on his arm.  
  
"Xander, you gave her a choice and she made it," Willow said, trying to hide the hurt in her voice.  
  
"Guys, it's not that I don't love you all. It's just..." Buffy couldn't finish. She didn't really have a good excuse for not wanting her friends around her and wanting her once-mortal enemy instead.  
  
"No, it's ok, Buffy. I know, we're kinda overwhelming at the moment. We're just so excited you're back. You should definitely be with someone less...expressive and s-stimulating..." Tara tried to make it sound nice, as she threw a smile in Spike's direction. Spike laughed to himself at Tara's unintentional joke. Stimulating, he thought. No, he could definitely be stimulating, but now was neither the time nor place for stimulation. Buffy needed peaceful, sedate silence. He could give her that, even though he was brimming with just as many questions as the others. He would reserve them all until she was ready.  
  
The fight had left Xander and he hung his head in resignation as he headed out the door. He stopped in front of Spike. "Spike.....if you so much as...I swear, you better not touch one hair on her head or I'll....."  
  
"It's fine, Xander. Spike knows the wrath of us if he's not a perfect gentleman with Buffy." Willow tried to be the voice of reason, but she still had some residual hurt happening. Her best friend didn't want to be around her. Willow had saved Buffy from torturous whatever, and Buffy chose to be with...Spike, of all people. Well, not people...  
  
They all made their way out the door, promising to be there at the drop of a hat if Buffy needed them. They all wanted to venture a hug, but she was obviously still closed off to contact. Spike stood facing the door after they all had left. He wasn't sure what to say or do.  
  
"You don't have to stay. I just needed some peace and quiet, and none of them could give it to me. But really, I'm fine. You don't have to babysit me." Spike turned to Buffy while she spoke.  
  
"Um...I know you'd rather I leave, but well...they had a point. And I think I'd be facing a dusty morning if I didn't stay. But I'm just going to hang out on the porch. You give me a shout if you need anything." Spike turned to go but Buffy stopped him.  
  
"Spike, if you're going to stay, then stay. I thought you were done lurking outside my house." Buffy gave him a weak smile, that more closely resembled a smile than her previous attempts.  
  
Spike had to smile too. "Ok, then. And I *am* done lurking about. Maybe." Spike grinned at Buffy and she smiled a bit wider, but her smiles still looked so sad. It was her eyes, Spike thought. All the fire is gone. Not my Slayer, this one. Whoever they brought back, she's not my Slayer. My Slayer would have me outside on my ass in seconds flat. But this...little girl, she's tolerating my presence and wrapped in my coat and not making snide remarks about anything. But Spike pushed these thoughts away, because she asked him to stay. He took a tentative step towards the sofa and sat down. Buffy was standing by the fireplace, staring at the cold logs. Suddenly she became aware of herself.  
  
"Um, I think I need to...get dressed. And probably a shower would be good."  
  
"Yeah, I bet that would do you a world of good, luv."  
  
Buffy nodded and started toward the stairs. "You're going to stay, right? I mean, you don't have to, but...you'll be here when I'm done?" Buffy had a look that was a mixture of hope and confusion.  
  
"Of course. You know me, you'll have to kick me out." Spike smiled reassuringly at her. Buffy smiled a little and nodded again.  
  
She started up the stairs. Two stairs up, she got light-headed and stopped. "Um, Spike? Can you give me a hand here? I'm the Chosen One and even come back from the dead, and all of a sudden stairs are a problem for me."  
  
Spike was taken aback for a moment. She was joking...about being dead. It seemed so Buffy-like, but at that moment it just struck him as odd. He was quickly at her side, and she grabbed his offered hand. He didn't make a move to touch her unbidden. He let her hold onto him and lean on him as much as she needed. She didn't need much, but he could tell she was getting dizzy as they mounted the steps. She held the coat closed with one hand and held onto Spike with the other. By the time the reached the top, she was swaying. Spike decided to drop his gentleman act and put his arm around her back and held onto her waist, to keep her from falling. She was too woozy to notice.  
  
"Slayer? Buffy? You ok, luv? You're looking a might ill." At that word, Buffy threw up. Of course, nothing came out, because there was nothing *to* come out. So she stood hunched over in the hall, dry heaving. Spike was thoroughly confused, and more than just a little worried. The coat fell open, but since Buffy was leaning over, nothing was revealed. Spike silently cursed that fact, then cursed himself for thinking it.  
  
"Um, Slayer, as much as I'd just love for you to heave on my shoes, maybe you should lie down." Spike tried to guide her into her bedroom, but she wouldn't budge. As soon as she stopped making gagging sounds, her body started convulsing with laughter. Spike stared at her, bewildered. But then her laughter turned into something else. Crying, no, sobbing. She crumbled to the floor onto her knees. She regained control of the coat, wrapping it around herself and then she gathered the excess in her hands. Then she buried her face into the leather and sobbed. Spike just knelt beside her. For a long time, he didn't know what to do. He just wished he could make her stop crying, because it tore at him to see this. And he felt guilty, because at the same time, his dead heart was soaring at her proximity, that she was here with him, alive. He reached out and put his hand on her shoulder, patting her gently.  
  
"Buffy, luv, it will..." What? Be alright? Will it? Spike wondered if he should even say anything. "Come on now, to bed with you. Washing can wait til tomorrow."  
  
**  
  
Picks up in the same spot in the next chapter. It was just too long to make one chapter! 


	4. Cleansing

*Poem by Thomas Hardy **Poem by William Blake  
  
Buffy stopped crying long enough to look up at him. "No, I'm fine. I should shower. I'm filthy." She stood up on her own and made her way slowly to the bathroom. She opened the door and then turned again toward the hall. "Oh, I need some clean clothes." She started towards her bedroom.  
  
For a moment, Spike thought that it would be just fine if the only thing she ever wore again was that leather duster, but he shook that off as he intercepted her. "Here now, you go take a nice, hot bath. I'll get you some clothes. All those hours of rummaging in your room last year will finally pay off," Spike said with a little smile.  
  
Buffy just looked at him with an accepting expression, "Oh, ok." She went into the bathroom and turned on the water.  
  
After Spike had picked out some comfortable clothes, he headed to the bathroom. He paused at the slightly opened door. He heard Buffy talking.  
  
"God...what happened to *me*? Oww...geez. Everything hurts..." Buffy trailed off as Spike knocked lightly on the door.  
  
"Um, Buffy? I have some clothes for you." Spike stuck his arm in the door opening and handed over the clothes, mindful not to look. Not that he didn't want to, but it just felt very wrong right now. Buffy seemed to have all this new-found trust with Spike, he didn't want to do anything to mess it up.  
  
"Thanks, Spike. Um, can you get me a towel?"  
  
"Sure, pet. Be right back."  
  
When Spike returned with the towel, he heard the water running. He reached in the door again.  
  
"Um, can you just bring it in here? I can't reach."  
  
Spike took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He opened the door slowly and tried to feel his way toward the bathtub. Buffy let out a tired chuckle.  
  
"Spike, I don't have a lot of modesty right now. I think you already saw me in all my glory...ugh, remind me to remove that word from my vocabulary. Anyway, it's ok. I mean, don't stare at me or anything, but you don't have to be so...un-Spike like. Why aren't you jumping at the chance to ogle me? Granted, I don't feel very ogle-worthy right now..."  
  
"Hey, I can be a gentleman if I want. And, you're always ogle-worthy." Spike still held his eyes shut tight. Then something struck him. A memory from his human life. "I don't deign to look upon my love, my eyes not worthy of her form. She is a golden gift from gods above, placed gently in our tempest storm."  
  
"That's nice. Who wrote that? Is that Shakespeare?"  
  
Spike let out a loud laugh, so loud that he startled Buffy. "No, not *that* William."  
  
"*You* wrote that? Cool...I want to hear more." Buffy encouraged him eagerly. Spike still stood in the middle of the bathroom with his eyes shut tight. "Sit down, tell me some more poetry. Please." The 'please' broke him. He had fully intended to leave her to bath and sit outside in the hall like a good puppy. But her 'please' sounded so...well, pleading. So he sighed and sat down on the cold tile, his back against the bathtub.  
  
"I'll recite some more poetry, but nothing of mine. Besides that one poem that got some small notice in my town newspaper, all the rest of my stuff was.....'bloody awful.'" He said the last bit with noticeable disdain. Buffy wondered what it meant, but pressed on.  
  
"Come on, I want to hear more of your stuff. It can't be all *that* bad."  
  
"Ha! It certainly can be, and it *is*. Besides, I don't remember any of the rest." Buffy knew he was lying, but she decided not to push him too much.  
  
"Ok, then 'recite' me some other stuff." She busied herself washing as she could almost feel Spike's mind churning, trying to decide which works to lavish her with.  
  
Spike listened the splashing water for a moment. Tried to mentally picture her in the water, because he did not dare to turn and look at her. He was snapped out of his thoughts when Buffy cried, "Ouch!" He instinctively turned to her to see what was wrong, but then immediately looked up at the ceiling.  
  
"What? What is it, love?"  
  
Buffy bit her lip and sighed, "It's just...all these...my body hurts and I don't know why. All these cuts and bruises, they feel so fresh, but I don't remember anything. Did I hit the ground or something? I don't remember much right before I saw you guys...I remember falling...into something. Did I hit the ground?"  
  
"No, me. I mean, you fell into me. Whatever happened to you happened before you fell to us. You don't remember?" Spike was still not looking at her, but his gaze lowered to a spot on the shower wall just above her head.  
  
"I remember...no, I don't know what happened to my body, but..." Buffy seemed very hesitant to continue.  
  
"It's ok, love. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to."  
  
"Will you tell me some poetry, Spike?" Spike smiled weakly, disappointed that she didn't want to talk about coming back, but still thrilled that she wanted him there while she bathed, reciting poetry to her like they were lovers. He turned around again and settled against the tub. He recited Wordsworth and Keats, a bit of Shakespeare, noting to her when he quoted him. It was while he quoted Hardy that he heard an imperceptible sigh and moan from Buffy.  
  
-- * I need not go-- Through sleet and snow-- To where I know-- She waits for me;-- She will tarry me there-- 'Til I find it fair,-- And have time to spare-- From company.  
  
When I've overgot-- The world somewhat,-- When things cost not-- Such stress and strain,-- Is soon enough-- By cypress sough-- To tell my Love-- I am come again.  
  
And if some day,-- When one cries nay,-- I still delay-- To seek her side,-- (Though ample measure-- Of fitting leisure-- Await my pleasure)-- She will not chide.  
  
What--not upbraid me-- That I delay'd me,-- Nor ask what stay'd me-- So long? Ah, no!-- New cares may claim me,-- New loves inflame me,-- She will not blame me,-- But suffer it so.  
  
--  
  
He silently wondered if it touched her as much as him, and he felt compelled to just look at her face. When he looked, she was sleeping. He smiled to himself and reached around to touch her face. "Buffy, love. Wake up now. Let's get you to bed, ok?" Buffy didn't stir except to roll her head into his cradling hand. "Um, Slayer? You really can't sleep in the tub. I don't think it's good for you." He gently tapped her face with the hand that held it.  
  
She furrowed her brow and whimpered, "'S not a school day, Mom. Was patrolling late."  
  
Spike closed his eyes and sighed, "Bugger." He stood up and looked around the bathroom, not certain of what to do. He knew he couldn't leave her to sleep there, and he certainly couldn't carry her to bed. Or could he? Why not? It was innocent enough. He wasn't taking advantage. And more importantly, there was no one there to argue with him. He picked up the towel he had brought in and took it to Buffy's bedroom. He laid it out on her bed. He returned to the bathroom and hoped silently that she wouldn't wake up while he was carrying her. He brought her into the bedroom and laid her gently on the towel. He stood and looked at her for a moment, uncertain of what the next step should be. Snapping out of the enjoyment of looking at her naked body, he realized she was still very wet. He went to get another towel.  
  
When he returned, he noticed that she hadn't moved at all. He started methodically drying her body, cursing his growing arousal that felt very inappropriate just then. He tried to imagine that it was just a task, something he had to get done as quickly as possible. But it was very hard to keep his gaze from lingering over her firm breasts and tight stomach. Consequently, the towel lingered over those parts too. But then, all of a sudden, like he had never noticed before, he saw all of her markings. Scars, fresh cuts, bruises, all the wounds she had complained about earlier. Drying her legs only brought more injuries to light. Gashes on her thighs that were not bleeding, but appeared fresh, nonetheless. Spike decided he'd better dress her wounds before he dressed her body.  
  
He went to the bathroom to retrieve some first aid supplies, as well as Buffy's clean clothes and his duster. He dumped the garments on the bed next to her stilled form, and began working with the supplies. He decided to treat the injuries on her torso first, so he could stop looking at her beautiful breasts and focus. He was rock hard by now, but kept trying to put thoughts out of his mind of a Buffy on Spike variety. Buffy awoke when he was finishing treating a particularly nasty cut on her ribs. She sat bolt upright and glared at Spike. "Easy there, I'm just--" Spike stopped when he saw her eyes filled with anger. "Look, I know this looks bad, but you were out cold and I just thought..."  
  
While Spike searched for a reason he shouldn't be a big pile of dust right now, Buffy's eyes softened and she whispered, "It's ok. I was just...scared. I didn't know...I mean, go ahead. Finish whatever you're doing." She laid back on the bed slowly. Spike nodded his head and quickly finished with her torso. He picked up the shirt he had gotten for her and she sat up again. She took it from him and he felt the need to avert his eyes while she put it on. He laughed at himself for doing this, as he had just had his hands and eyes all over her body. Buffy also took the opportunity to put on some underwear.  
  
Spike continued to treat the wounds on her legs. When he was done, he helped her slip on some sweatpants. He then tended to her face, which consisted of a slightly swollen eye, a split lower lip, and a large cut on her cheek. She sat mutely while he worked, never looking at him. When he finished, she reached up and held his hand to her face, almost absently. "They brought me back, didn't they?" She was staring off into the darkness of her room.  
  
"Yeah, they did." Spike pursed his lips, wondering where this line was going.  
  
"Why? Why did you bring me back?"  
  
"Well, I wish I could say I helped, but it was really just the Scoobies. Left me pretty much out of the loop, as always. But as for the why...well, I imagine because they love you, pet. Missed you. We all missed you." Spike spoke softly, trying to look into her averted eyes.  
  
"Oh...is that all? I figured...I don't know. I guess I figured they brought me back because of some big bad that only I could fight. I could understand that. But love? They brought me back because they love me? I don't want any part of that kind of love." Buffy laid back on the bed and turned her back to Spike.  
  
"Pet, what do you mean? They didn't want you to suffer in some hell with Glory." Spike looked frantic and confused again.  
  
Buffy turned and looked at him incredulously. "Hell? They thought I was in hell?"  
  
Spike took a look over her body and injuries and said, "Well, yeah. You don't get these wounds skipping across the golden streets of heaven, love."  
  
Buffy glared at him so hard that he had to step back a bit. "Wherever I was, I wasn't with Glory or in hell. I was...good. I was..it was all so good and nice and calm. I don't even have words to describe it. It's like my senses weren't really experiencing it, but my mind was. I just remember softness and calm. I felt like...like I was somewhere dark, but not scary. Not dark, even...like soft candlelight was all around me, except there wasn't one point of light, it was just a glow...I can't.....I don't know. It wasn't bright and hard like everything here is. I couldn't feel anything except contentment. I don't know what happened to my body, but I wasn't with it. I was...happy. I haven't been happy in so long. Why would they take that from me? They were so selfish that I couldn't be happy for a while?"  
  
She was sobbing now and Spike wanted to hold her. But it didn't feel right. He felt like one of the gang who had brought her back. He felt a twinge of guilt that he was still so happy she was here, even though it was causing her so much pain. He silently removed the wet towel from beneath her and tossed it to the floor. She laid back down on the bed and reached for Spike's duster. She laid it across her body and curled up underneath it. Spike watched her for a moment as she softly sobbed herself to sleep. Then he gave her one last recitation.  
  
-- **  
  
Sleep, sleep, beauty bright,-- Dreaming in the joys of night;-- Sleep, sleep; in thy sleep-- Little sorrows sit and weep  
  
As thy softest limbs I feel,-- Smiles as of the morning steal-- O'er thy cheek, and o'er thy breast-- Where thy little heart doth rest.  
  
O the cunning wiles that creep-- In thy little heart asleep!-- When thy little heart doth wake,-- Then the dreadful night shall break  
  
--  
  
Spike slipped out of her room and closed the door softly. He resigned himself to keeping guard outside her door, lest she wake and need something, anything of him. He sat beside her door and leaned on the wall. He took a deep breath and it came out shakily. Before he could convince himself to stay strong, he was weeping into his hands. For joy, for pain, for every emotion he had ever known. They were all upon him now, and it was ok, because there was no one around to see the master vampire cry for his slayer.  
  
**  
  
TBC-if feedback warrants it. 


	5. Loveless

Buffy woke just as the sunbeams were making their way across her bed. She sighed deeply, awash with confused feelings as reality crept in. She shifted a bit under the duster, pulling it tighter around her. Just then she remembered Spike. She sat up quickly, looking around the room as if she thought he would be there. She got out of bed gingerly, feeling her injuries anew. Without thinking, she slipped on the leather coat.  
  
Walking toward her door, she could sense someone near. She opened the door to find Spike sleeping in front of her door. He was curled toward the opening, one hand under his head and one between his legs. Buffy couldn't help but smile just then. He looked so...angelic. Her face fell as she studied him sleeping. He had given up a more comfortable couch to be close to her. She could tell he still loved her, and that made her inexplicably sad. She wasn't exactly sure why, but she found that she couldn't deal with the idea of him loving her. She remembered accepting it before she died, but now, it seemed inconceivable. 'Why does he love me? What is he feeling? Well, love, of course. Just like I felt for Angel.' Except, Buffy was having a very hard time recalling those feelings. She thought about Angel and had very warm feelings for him. She missed him a little. But she couldn't quite call up love.  
  
Then she thought of Willow and Xander, her two best friends since she moved to Sunnydale. But the softer emotion there was gone too. She felt very bitter when she thought about them, but the rational side of her said she shouldn't be. Giles...definite father feeling there--and the good kind, not like her real father. And then Buffy thought about her mother. She felt very sad at the memory, but even sadder at the fact that she couldn't remember the feeling of loving her mother. Of course she had loved her mother, but why couldn't she remember what that was like? She was so confused, but then she gave a sad little chuckle at the fact that she hadn't even thought about Riley when trying to recall love.  
  
She looked down at Spike again, so sweet looking. Not a trace of that famous smirk he often wore. The only thing she felt with him was an appreciation for how he was with her. He wasn't pressing or urgent, didn't ask so many questions that her head spin. And most of all, he was accepting of what she needed. And he was quiet. God, the others with their loud voices and questions. Buffy looked away, lost in thought. After such a confusing event as coming back from the beyond, she just needed some peace. She wanted to be alone, but if she couldn't, she'd rather be with someone unobtrusive. She had poured out so much on him the night before, but he hadn't pushed, hadn't asked. He was just there, to hear her. Something about the simplicity of his presence made her smile.  
  
When she looked back down at Spike, he was looking at her with sleepy eyes. They looked at each other for a long moment and then some kind of realization hit Spike and he jumped up quickly. He looked around nervously for a moment before speaking. "You ok? Need anything? I can, I can go get you some food if you want. I don't know how to cook, but there might be some cookies or...something.....um," Spike stopped when he noticed Buffy looking strangely at him. "What?"  
  
Buffy smiled again and placed her hand on Spike's arm. "Nothing. I don't need anything Spike. I was just imagining you trying to cook anything but blood in a microwave. And really, not in the mood for blood."  
  
"Oh, well...why are you up? You need some more rest, Slayer. Fall from heaven's gotta be tiring." Spike looked down at the floor, mentally kicking himself.  
  
"About that...please don't tell the others. It won't do any good for them to know about where I was." Spike looked up at her again, and nodded.  
  
"I know I shouldn't have told you, but well...you were there. And I, I don't know. Hey, look at it this way, you get to share the secret but none of the guilt!" She gave a weak smile.  
  
Spike looked at her incredulously. "Are you joking? None of the guilt? I'm the reason you died in the first place! I failed you miserably up on that tower, and now you tell me I don't have any guilt? Do you have the slightest clue how I've felt this entire time you were gone? And *now* I have a whole new level of guilt because I'm thrilled beyond description that you're back, but you're miserable to be here. Because I could die happy now that I've seen your face again, and you just want to die." Spike was pacing the hall. So much for quiet Spike. But even in his seething, he wasn't overwhelming for Buffy. She limped over to him and put both her hands on his upper arms to stop him in mid pace. She looked him directly in the eyes.  
  
"Spike, you have *nothing* to feel guilty about. Up on that tower...you did everything you possibly could. It's not your fault. I think maybe it was meant to be. This.....this coming back. I don't know what this is, but it feels like anything but natural or fate. But, that's not the point. The point is, *you* didn't have anything to do with bringing me back. And you didn't have anything to do with me leaving either. So don't even think you're going to start moping around me now. I'd hate to have to start calling you 'Angel'." Spike bristled at this, but Buffy just gave him a little smile. She let his arms go and stepped back from him. She tilted her head and looked at him quizzically.  
  
"What was it like? For you, I mean, since I've been gone?" Spike shrugged his shoulders and looked away from her, brow furrowed.  
  
"Fair to say you haven't enjoyed my time away as much as I did?"  
  
Spike looked at her blankly. "We all missed you, ya know. Especially Red and the boy. They love you. *I*...(sigh) Look, just because you're not telling them where you were doesn't mean you can joke about it with me. How can I think it's funny that you're so unhappy here? That you would rather be dead than be with...the people who love you. And I understand that, I do. We lot here can't compete with the host of heaven, I'm sure. But, Buffy...I don't...I don't know what you need to hear." Spike looked away from her and his shoulders slumped in defeat.  
  
Buffy lowered her head and quietly murmured, "Neither do I."  
  
Spike sighed and finally spoke. "Look, your mates will be here soon, I'm sure. So I'm just going to go downstairs and wait for them. You sure you don't need anything?"  
  
"No, I'm good. Well, I'm actually starving, but I don't think cookies will cut it. I'll just wait til the gang gets here. Tara can make me some pancakes. I'm sure they'll all be bustling to help." The last line came out little more bitter than Buffy had meant it.  
  
"Look, they just...care. They're all so happy that they were able to 'rescue' you and bring you back to us. If the ruckus gets too much, I'm sure you can just tell them what they really rescued you from and I don't think you'll hear another peep out of 'em." Spike sighed again, upset that he was sounding so angry with Buffy. "They're good people, ya know. They could have all easily up and left Sunnydale, but they stayed and fought. They don't have super strength like you and I. The witches powers only go so far in fighting. And Xander.....well, you know. Boy wields a battle ax like a little girl. My point is, they thought they were doing a good thing. Because that's what you Scoobies do, good things. They didn't know. And if you're not going to tell them to spare their feelings, then don't act pissy with them over it--that will just hurt them more because they won't know why."  
  
Buffy bristled a bit at being told how to act around her friends, especially by Spike. She couldn't argue with his logic, but she wasn't about to tell him he was right. She had to stop herself from smiling because she was getting a very familiar feeling of agitation regarding Spike. It was the only really familiar feeling she had since she returned. She just avoided his look and said, "I'm going to take another hot bath. Got some aches....."  
  
"Right then. You need me, I'll be downstairs." Spike headed for the stairs. Buffy went and drew a bath.  
  
Buffy took off the duster and laid it on the counter. She thought absently that she should give it back to Spike sometime. Slowly, she took off her various bandages and slipped into the hot water. The sting of her injuries subdued and gave way to the relaxation that her muscles felt from the hot water.  
  
Spike sat on the stairs and played with a cigarette between his fingers. "Stupid git. Had no business talkin' to her like that. She's just come back from the beyond and you lecture her on how to act? She can act any bloody way she wants. She's earned that ten times over. And she doesn't need lessons in civility from a vampire. And why the hell do I care what the Scoobies feel anyway? Buncha wankers.." Spike sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He was still lost in thought when the front door opened slowly. Willow peeked in quietly to make sure she wasn't disturbing anyone. When she only saw Spike, she opened the door fully and she and Tara walked in.  
  
"Hey, Spike. Everything ok? Buffy doing...alright?" Spike snapped his head up when he realized someone was speaking to him.  
  
"Yeah, she's.....as ok as she can be. She's taking a bath. She's famished, was hoping maybe you could make her something. Pancakes, I think she said. So, you got everything covered here, I'm gonna split." Spike moved past the two girls to the living room where he grabbed a blanket from the couch. "Just borrowin'," he said as he walked toward the door. He stopped and looked back at Willow. "Go easy, ok? She needs rest. Peace and quiet. Keep the boy from fawning all over her. I think she just wants to be left alone...for a bit."  
  
Willow's face flashed some hurt, but she just nodded and said, "We'll take care of her." At that, Spike pulled the blanket over himself and opened the door. He ran off in a smoking hurry.  
  
**  
  
TBC-you guys have been great with feedback, keep it coming! Muchas gracias!! I have big plans for these two crazy kids! 


	6. Overwhelmed

By the time Buffy had redressed the wounds that still needed it and put on some clothes, she smelled breakfast from downstairs. She smiled at the memory of many Sunday mornings when the gang would come over and Joyce would make them all breakfast. Then she got sad again, remembering that her mother was gone. And then she remembered that she was missing something--the feelings she had in those days. She missed her mother so much, but it was almost like there was a wall up when she thought of her. The wall stopped just beyond the missing. She felt like if she could break that wall, all the emotions she couldn't feel would flood in. Buffy's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of her friends arguing downstairs. She sighed and slipped on the duster before heading down to see what the fuss was.  
  
She paused at the top of the stairs and wondered why she kept wearing the duster. She took it off and decided to give it back to Spike, who was probably the cause of the arguing downstairs. As she descended the stairs, she heard the topic, or rather topics. They were trying to decide if it was ok to ask her about where she'd been, what they needed to do to help her adjust, what kind of food she'd like, how they should spend the day with her, etc. Buffy was very near heading back up when Xander walked into the living room and saw her on the stairs.  
  
"Buffy! Hey, guys, Buffy's down!" At that, the rest flooded into the foyer and just stared at her. Buffy smiled and walked down among them.  
  
"Hi, guys. Long time, no see!" Without warning, her friends were upon her, hugging her. They were all telling her how happy they were, how much they missed her, how much she was needed. Buffy just closed her eyes and accepted the crush of friends. But soon, it was too much.  
  
"Uh, guys. I missed you all too, but this is starting to, um..hurt." They all immediately released her and just stood there with goofy grins on their faces. Buffy smiled back, unsure of what to do next.  
  
"So, where's Spike? I wanted to give him his coat back."  
  
"Oh, he left as soon as we got here. He borrowed a blanket, but I figured that was ok. Did everything go alright last night? I mean, was he...good? He didn't bother you too much, did he?" Willow was trying to look serious, but the huge smile on her face negated the concerned words.  
  
"No, he was fine. He was...nice." Buffy tried to hide her look of disappointment. She internally wondered why she was so disappointed anyway, but she was pretty sure it had something to do with the fact that she was also trying to hide her look of disdain for her friends. She tossed the duster onto the stair banister and sighed. "Um, do I smell breakfast?!" With that, Buffy was ushered into the kitchen for a feast.  
  
Spike laid on his bed, remembering how Buffy's skin felt beneath his fingers. He remembered how she just laid there, letting him touch her, dress her wounds. Something she'd never have done before. Before. Before she was gone. Before he was alone. He'd been alone previous to her leaving, but she was always there. There to annoy. There to argue with. There to love from afar. He'd gained her trust after Glory almost killed him. But now, he felt closer to her. Closer than just being a trusted friend. Last night he felt so close to her. He felt like a loved one. Except...her eyes. There was nothing in her eyes except for a cold sadness. The few times she smiled, there was just a slight spark of the old Buffy. But mostly just the sadness. He knew there must be something off if she let him so close. Let him be where she didn't want her friends to be. But Spike tried to push that out of his head. He knew he'd never get so close to her again. He knew that it wouldn't take much time at all for her to return to her old self again, surrounded by the Scoobies. She'd let them in and shut him out, again. So he clung to the memory of the previous night, wishing he could just live there forever. Soon, he was asleep, dreaming of her. Always her.  
  
After a couple hours of skirting the issue with small talk, catching up and a little bit of reminiscing, Xander cut to the chase.  
  
"Look, Buff, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but we're all curious about what happened after you...disappeared. So if you don't want us to bring it up again, just tell us now so we can just get it out of the way." All eyes were on her as she thought of her answer.  
  
"I, uh...I hate to disappoint you guys, but I really don't remember. Last thing I do remember is jumping into the portal. After that, it's a big blank. And then, of course, clobbering Spike by the tower. But the between...nada. Probably for the best, really." Buffy did her best to sound convincing. It was a believable lie, she reasoned.  
  
"Yeah, it really probably is." Willow looked a little sad, perhaps at never knowing exactly what they'd rescued her from. But her sadness was cut short by the big smile that returned to her face. "It's just...it's just so great to have you back, Buffy. I don't think we can tell you how much you were missed."  
  
Buffy smiled at Willow, but inside she was so conflicted. Obviously her friends only meant to help. But still...it was them. They took her out of her nirvana. Brought her back to fight and be strong again. To be their leader. Buffy didn't feel strong, and certainly didn't feel like fighting and killing again. She didn't think she was in any shape to lead anyone. She just wanted to melt back into that place of peace and contentment. Where no one looked to her for answers or expected her to be violent and harsh. Where she could just *be*. Anya interrupted her thoughts.  
  
"Well, I've taken a half day off from the shop already. If everything is good here, I'll just be getting back. I mean, we're all glad to have Buffy back, but it's no reason to stop making money!" Anya chirped.  
  
"Uh, I kinda need to be going too. Told the crew I'd be a few hours late. I need to be getting back. Make sure they haven't built a nightclub at the church site!" Xander tried to be cheerful.  
  
Buffy smiled at them. "Yeah, you guys go. I'm good here. I think I'm going to take a nap. Will, Tara, you guys don't have to stay. I mean, unless...Xander said something about you guys staying here sometimes. If you were, ya know, living here...you're more than welcome to stay."  
  
"Oh, no, we weren't *living* here. We were just staying here a night or two a week. To make sure everything was all good. Make sure the pipes weren't leaking or people didn't break in. Just making sure everything was ok for when we brought you back." Willow beamed, then her face clouded. "We're really sorry we couldn't do it sooner. It took us all that time just gathering supplies. It was a very intricate spell. I didn't know if we'd pull it off. But that stuff doesn't matter, because we did and you're here!" Willow gave Buffy a big hug. Buffy hugged her back, trying to seem joyous too. Tara came in behind Willow and gave Buffy a gentle squeeze.  
  
"M-maybe we should be going too, Willow. Buffy's probably had enough excitement for one..ever." Tara gave Buffy a little smile. Buffy nodded at her.  
  
"Yeah, ok. But if you need anything, Buffy, anything at all, you just call us, ok? Um, do you want us to come over for dinner? We can order in some Chinese. You still like Chinese, right?"  
  
"Yeah, I still like Chinese, but that breakfast really filled me up. I can't even think about food. Why don't I call you later, and let you know what the hunger situation is then, ok?" Buffy mustered a yawn to help them get the message.  
  
"Oh, ok. Sure. Let us know. Well, you get some rest. And remember, if you need anything---"  
  
"I'll call. Don't worry, guys. I know it's all been very strange, but I really think I'm ok. I just need some time to acclimatize. Wow, didn't know I knew that word!" With that, Buffy's friends gave her goodbye hugs and shuffled out the door. Buffy was left in silence, and she gave a little thanks to who or whatever was responsible for such a wonderful sound. She made her way up to her room and fell quickly asleep, the weight of the past two days crushing her into a slumber.  
  
**  
  
Please review! It gives me a happy!! 


	7. Revelation

When Buffy woke, she looked at the clock. It was almost 6pm. She had slept the whole day. She guessed that Spike was right, the fall from heaven can be tiring. But now, she didn't feel any more rested. She wanted nothing more than to fall asleep and never wake up. 'Why did they bring me back? I don't want this. I don't want the hellmouth and slaying. I was done. Why do I have to do this again? God, it's too much.' Buffy wept into her pillow. She sobbed for a while, only stopping when she heard the phone ring. She debated answering it. It was probably Willow calling about dinner. She didn't want to deal with them, but she knew if she didn't answer, they'd think something was wrong and come barreling back. She reached over and picked up the receiver.  
  
"Hello?" Buffy braced herself for the inevitable cheerfulness.  
  
"Buffy?" Giles. It was Giles. Buffy smiled sadly, knowing she should miss him.  
  
"Giles? Hey.....guess who's back?" Buffy tried to make light, but she was internally torn up. She didn't want to have to deal with this. Giles was her Watcher. She was his Slayer. She didn't want to be a Slayer. She wanted to be gone.  
  
"Oh, dear Lord, Buffy. I couldn't really believe it. When Willow called me, she said.....oh, Buffy, I don't know what to say. It's.....just so amazing."  
  
"Yup, so I've been told a few dozen times." Buffy propped her head on her hand, wanting to not have to talk to people.  
  
"Buffy, I'll be on the next plane back to Sunnydale. My god, I can't believe I'm going to see you again. Buffy, I missed you so much."  
  
"Me too, Giles," Buffy lied. She wanted to feel it, but she couldn't. After Giles hung up, she just stared at the phone in her hand. When it started making annoying noices, she hung it up. Then she sighed and picked it up again. 'Better to let Willow down now then have them all parading over here.' Buffy called Willow and told her she was tired and wasn't hungry at all. Willow suggested they get together tomorrow. Buffy told her she'd call. She nodded off for another hour or so. When she came too, her head felt so heavy.  
  
She climbed out of bed and went downstairs. She made her way into the kitchen. Not much food to be found. She really was hungry, but *so* not in the mood for people. Buffy trudged into the living room, stopping by the stairs to pick up Spike's duster that she had left on the banister. She smiled thinking about him. 'He really is a decent man. I never gave him much credit before.' Before.....she chuckled at how much he had changed. Before, she had to tell him to shut up all the time. Now he was so quiet, so reverent around her. The way he looked at her.....like he was in awe. It was a little uncomfortable, but better than the goofy grins her friends wore. Buffy frowned. 'Willow, with all her proud smugness. I bet they all just slap her on the back and tell her what a great job she did. Yeah, really great, pulling someone out of heaven is quite a feat. Maybe you can bring back my mom as a party trick!' Buffy took a deep breath and tried to remember what Spike had told her. They were only trying to do good, thought they were helping her. Buffy slipped on the duster and pulled it tight around her. She pulled up the collar to her face and breathed in the scent. 'Hmm, Spike stopped smoking. Have to ask him about that later.' To be sure, Buffy patted the pockets for smokes. She came up with a stake, a deck of cards, a pocket knife, and a little black book. 'Oh, let's see who Spike deems date-worthy. I didn't even know vamps kept little black books!' Buffy grinned as she sat down on the couch. She flipped through the book and realized it wasn't an address book at all. It was a small journal. Buffy felt a bit guilty at having it, but curiosity got the best of her. 'Spike's a journal guy. Interesting. Let's see what deep thoughts he has.'  
  
-- 5-24-01 'Why do I do it? Why the hell do I stay here? She's gone. My whole reason for being is gone, so why am I still here? The pain is more than I can bear. I knew she'd never love me, but I never thought she'd leave. I always thought that if she were here, I could hold out some delusional hope. But now-'  
  
The rest of the line was smudged and unreadable. It looked like dried water. 'Rain? Oh....not rain.' Buffy sighed. She couldn't understand Spike's emotions for her, but she suddenly became very sad for him. He had meant so little to her before she died, and she had meant so much to him. She flipped through the little book a few pages.  
  
5-31-03 'I've had enough. Tomorrow I'm going to bloody do it. Sod the Scoobies, they can go to hell. Xander, at any rate. He had the gall to tell me they didn't need me. That's fine. Patrol on your own, bloody wanker! Why the hell do I care if they need me? I certainly don't need them. And Buffy can't blame me for not looking after them anymore. They don't want me to. Fine, good. I don't care. I'm sorry, Buffy. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry I won't be able to keep my promise to you. But wherever the hell I end up, I'm sure I won't see you around, so you can't give me a hard time anymore. Not like you do now, in my dreams. Luv, all I do now is sleep, because I know I'll get to see you. And it kills me every time, because I wake knowing it's not really you. I can't take it anymore. I'm done here. I've done what I can, please don't ask anything more of me.'  
  
6-1-03 'Well, waited for the sunrise this morning and was determined to greet it. But the strangest thing happened. Bright and early, Tara came knocking at my door. She said she'd had a dream that I was hurt. She came to check on me. Sometimes I wonder about her. She's got this thing, it's more than just being a witch. I've known plenty of witches that weren't this intuitive. I told her I was fine, so she could shove off, but she wouldn't go. She just kept talking to me about inconsequential crap. I've never known that bird to prattle on so much. Finally she just came out with it and said that they needed me, the Scoobies. She said that Xander was still hurting from losing you and that he was lashing out at an easy target. She didn't say that she knew what I was planning, but she did say it'd be a shame if I were to leave them. Then she smiled that real coy smile of hers and said she was thinking about hanging out with me until nightfall, because she liked the 'ambience' of my crypt. Silly bint, I know she knew what was up. Then she said something that made me want to bash her teeth in. 'You said Buffy asked you to take care of us. I bet she'd be really disappointed if you.....left.' I wanted to snap her head off and toss it out the door. Throwing what you said back at me. But I just gritted my teeth and told her that she didn't have to worry about me going anywhere. And she knew it was true, because she finally left. And I went to sleep. Besides when I get to kill something on patrol, sleeping is my favorite thing anymore. I'm such a wanker. And a coward. And a whipped dog. Fine, you win, Slayer. I stay. I take care of the Scoobies and try to pretend that it's more to keep my promise than to have a link to you.'  
  
6-5-01 'Same song, different day. Got drunk at Willey's, picked a fight with some big fucker. But then the tune changed. It was a human. Huge bloke with about a half dozen friends. Was ready to split, cuz my head was already throbbing from some some low-grade bourbon Willey served up. But then the guy slugs me. So, of course, I slug him back on instinct. Then I curse myself a wanker and brace for the pain. But it doesn't come. So I take out one of his mates with a roundhouse. Still no pain. Then the rest go down, no problem. The big fucker crawls out the door. Crawls! I don't know what happened to the rest, because I was too bleedin' confused and amazed and thrilled. I'm a vampire again! No leashes, no restraints! I don't even bloody care how it happened! Look out, here comes Spike!'  
  
**  
  
Please R&R, and thanks to all those who do! 


	8. Spike's Angel

** Lyrics by James Marsters  
  
Buffy dropped the book on the ground as she gasped out loud. 'The chip. Spike's chip isn't working!' Buffy left the book where it lay and yanked on her shoes. She grabbed a stake and flew out the door, not even bothering to lock it.  
  
The sprint to the cemetery wasn't too bad, her injuries only slowing her up a bit. As his crypt came into view, she slowed her pace. She didn't know what she was doing, she just knew she had to do *some*thing. The Slayer instinct kicking in again. The Slayer that she didn't want to be anymore. Why should she have to do anything? Why couldn't she just pretend she hadn't read that? Why couldn't she just go visit him like they were old friends, instead of heading in to stake the only person she didn't cringe at the thought of being around?  
  
When she reached the crypt, she realized she was still wearing Spike's duster. She pulled it tight around her again and stood in front of his door, unsure of what she should do. Just then she heard it. Soft, soft strains of music from inside. A guitar. 'Spike can't play the guitar.' Then singing. His voice sounded so sad. She sat against the crypt wall and listened.  
Bright diamond eyes with daggers beneath them  
  
She carries the chains of a million decisions  
  
That weren't even hers to begin with anyway  
  
But she carries them all  
  
All the people around her  
  
Never even notice that she's very, very tired  
She's an angel  
  
But she can't see it  
  
She's got wings  
  
But she can't feel 'em  
  
She's an angel  
  
But she can't see it  
  
But she's rising above me every day  
  
Everyday of my life  
  
Buffy couldn't hold her tears back. Where did he find a song that so perfectly fit how she was feeling? Chains of a million decisions. No one noticing she's tired. Everything fit except the angel part. She didn't feel very angelic at the moment. Buffy's head sunk into her hands as she cried. After a moment, the music stopped, but she didn't notice. The crypt door opened slowly, and he stood silently by. She finally noticed him and looked up. He had been crying too. He sat next to her without a word, leaning against the crypt. They both sighed heavily.  
  
"What brings you out, love?" Spike spoke without looking at her.  
  
Buffy looked up at the sky. "Oh, it looked like a lovely night to kill something."  
  
Spike cocked his head at her with furrowed brow. "You really think you're up to patrolling already? Pet, take some time off. You need to rest. Get your strength up. More important things than slaying, you know. I've got the patrolling covered."  
  
Buffy chuckled sadly. "More important things than being the Slayer? What could that be?"  
  
Spike sighed, trying to figure out her mood and how best to approach it. Women were difficult to read, but Buffy had always been an enigma to him. But she switched gears on him again.  
  
"That song. It was nice. Who sings it?"  
  
Spike smiled. "I do, pet."  
  
She gave him a 'duh' look. "Yeah, I *heard*. But I mean, who sings it for real? Who wrote it?"  
  
Spike leaned his head back against the crypt, looking at the stars. "No one. And me."  
  
Buffy looked at him, doubting. "You wrote it? You told me your poetry was 'bloody awful.' And that's all a song is, poetry with music. That was...amazing. When did you write it?"  
  
Spike still didn't look at her. "Today, mostly. Didn't feel like sleeping much. It sort of just came to me."  
  
"That song. The words..they're...not about me, are they?"  
  
Spike gave a rueful smile, feeling déjà vu. He knew he shouldn't be a fool again, but how could he be anything but honest with her?  
  
"Every syllable." Spike gave a quick glance to see her reaction, but her face showed no expression. 'Well, it could have been worse.'  
  
"Oh...I'm not an angel, you know."  
  
Spike smiled at her. "Yes, you are. You always have been, but now you've been to heaven. That just makes it official."  
  
"Spike?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Would you sing it again for me?" Buffy asked shyly.  
  
Spike swallowed hard. "Uh, I don't know, pet. I mean, it's not very good. And I don't do well with an audience." Spike was trying to cover for the fact that he was pretty sure if he sang it to her, he'd not be able to stay composed.  
  
"Please? It's so nice, and no one's ever written anything for me." Her voice was a whisper, and Spike knew he was sunk.  
  
"Ok, pet. Just hold on a minute. I need to make my place presentable." Spike jumped up and went into the crypt.  
  
Buffy sat outside, enjoying the fresh night air. It was the one part of slaying she didn't mind. The air was always so quiet and calm at night, especially in a graveyard. Well, at least when all the baddies had been dispatched. Spike appeared again, offering his hand to help her up. She took it and smiled.  
  
"Still wearing the duster, pet? You like it so much, maybe I'll get you one your size."  
  
"Oh yeah, I was bringing it back to you." Buffy started to take it off, but Spike stopped her.  
  
"No, you keep it for now. It's kind of chilly tonight, you need it more than I do."  
  
Buffy was secretly grateful, because she didn't want to give it back. She liked the way the leather swallowed her whole. She could get lost in it. Spike let her enter the crypt first, and she gasped. He had lit all the candles he owned. The room was aglow with softness. Buffy turned to him and couldn't hold her tears in. She grabbed him in a hug that surprised them both. She quickly released him, and he stood there, still stunned, for a moment.  
  
"Thank you. This is...oh, god." Buffy began sobbing.  
  
Spike felt as if he had made a huge mistake. 'Stupid git, what were you thinking? Make her remember the wonderful place she was in? Yeah, bloody brilliant, until she remembers she's not there anymore.' "Oh, Buffy, I'm sorry. I just thought...it was stupid, I'm so sorry." Spike started blowing out the candles, but Buffy reached out for his arm. He turned to see her smiling through her tears.  
  
"Please, don't. This is wonderful. Will you just play your song for me?"  
  
Spike nodded and led her to a lazy chair. "*Your* song, pet."  
  
She smiled and said, "Can I get that in writing?" Just then she remembered the journal. The chip. Spike was free to kill...and write love songs for someone who couldn't love. She couldn't reconcile the two just then, so she decided to put it aside. Deal with it later. Tonight she wanted to sit in the soft glow of light and love, hoping something would rub off on her. Spike could love so strongly, and he was a soulless demon. She was a human Slayer who couldn't love at all.  
  
Spike impressed himself by completing the song without a breakdown. Buffy only lost a few tears. Spike sighed deeply as he put down his guitar, watching Buffy gaze off somewhere unknown.  
  
Without warning, she began talking. "You know why I like this coat?"  
  
Spike smiled sweetly, though she never saw as she was still staring distantly. "Why is that, pet?"  
  
"Because..before I jumped..you were there. Do you remember? I hugged you."  
  
Spike felt his heart in his throat at the memory. He whispered, "I remember, luv."  
  
"And I remember burying my face in your duster. I remember how it smelled, how it felt on my skin. The leather, the roughness, the little creaky sounds it made. And that's the last time I remember feeling happy. Truly and deeply happy. Because I was confident in what I was doing. I was ready to do it, ready to let it all go. I felt safe in your arms, because I felt safe in my decision. I didn't have any fear or doubt about anything. I felt so complete, right at that moment. And the jacket reminds me of that. The feeling...it comes back when I touch this jacket and...and when I'm around you. I can't really explain it."  
  
Spike stood up and walked to Buffy. He kneeled in front of her. "You don't have to explain anything, Buffy. Everything that's happened to you defies explanation. You keep that old duster as long as you need to. Looks better on you anyway. And you should know by now you're always welcome here. If there's anything I can do to...I don't know, help you with whatever you're going through...I know I haven't experienced what you have. I came back from the dead, but I don't remember being dead. And well, I guess I'm still dead. So, yeah, I guess I'm the perfect guy to reminisce being dead with. And I never thought I'd see heaven either. But you've given it to me."  
  
Buffy looked at him oddly. "How?"  
  
"Just being here, pet. Just you being here, alive. It's the only vision of heaven that ever mattered to me." Spike was looking so intensely at Buffy, she thought he might bore a hole into her with his gaze.  
  
Buffy stood up, and Spike followed suit. "I better go now. Get to bed. I've been asleep all day, but I'm still tired. I don't know why. I'm just so tired."  
  
Spike walked Buffy out the door and said, "I know, pet. I know."  
  
She turned as she went, looking at him one last time. "You really do, don't you?"  
  
Spike nodded mutely as she walked away. Their mutual exhaustion transcended sleep. Spike wondered if they would ever feel awake again.  
  
**  
  
R&R pretty please. It's what keeps writers writing!! 


	9. Push

Spike watched her as she left him, her moonlit hair bouncing over his black duster. His heart sank thinking about how unhappy she was. He figured he should follow her home, make sure she made it safe. She didn't seem like she was too keen or focused right now. 'Just hang back a little, won't do any harm.' So Spike followed her home. Watched her amble slowly down the streets. Wondered what she was thinking. Her mind was elsewhere, that much was obvious. In the cemetery, a fledgling vamp got within 10 yards of her and she never even noticed. Spike quietly dusted him with a stake through the back, wondering if he should try to get Buffy to pay more attention. But he decided he'd just let her walk. He'd be her protector tonight, and for as long as she needed.  
  
Buffy knew Spike was following her. But it gave her less of a stalker feeling than it did before she died. It made her feel safe. He wasn't as stealthy as he thought he was, especially when he killed the other vampire that had noticed her meandering through the graveyard. She heard him chuckle quietly and say "wanker" after the vamp dusted. She couldn't help but smile. Buffy had noticed the vamp too, but she knew Spike had her back. And she didn't feel like killing, not tonight. She was still feeling wrapped up in peace and love, and she knew it would be fleeting. She didn't want any violence tonight. Let Spike play the hero, she was tired of it.  
  
As she approached her front porch, Spike slipped in behind his favorite Buffy-watching tree. He heard her unlock the door and open it. Before it shut, he heard a quiet, "Good night, Spike." Spike chuckled and shook his head. Either he wasn't as good as he thought he was, or she wasn't as off her game as he thought she was. He headed back to his crypt feeling more upbeat than he had in months. 'Maybe she's going to be ok, after all.'  
  
Buffy sighed as she walked into the living room. She saw the journal lying in the floor where she had tossed it in her desperate hurry to go...do what? Kill Spike? She didn't even feel like confronting him about it. She didn't want to think about the possibility that after Spike followed her home he went lurking in alleys to lure someone into being his dinner. 'No! Just stop it. Don't be the Slayer right now. Just be Buffy. Just a regular girl who visited a very nice friend.' Buffy knelt down and picked up the book. She considered reading further, but she wasn't sure she wanted to know what was in there. It was either Spike telling of his new killing spree, or more of him being torn up about her death. Neither of which she was in the mood for. She slipped the book back into the duster pocket and sat on the couch.  
  
Buffy decided she should see if she missed anything while she was so busy experiencing indescribable bliss. She turned on the tv and flipped through the channels. Infomercials, televangelists, all night news...nope, she hadn't missed a thing. At least her friends had been considerate enough to pay her cable bill while she was dead. But they were always planning for her return. 'Probably before I was even in heaven, they were getting ready to yank me out.' Buffy tried to not think so negatively, she really did. But it was nearly impossible. She also tried not to think about being in such a happy, peaceful place. Instead, she tried to focus on what good she had known before she died. "Hmm..Dad left, Angel left, Riley left, Mom left. Now Giles is gone. All the good things in my life left me. Except my friends, they never left. But they wouldn't let me stay gone either. Now I can understand why everyone leaves this place. Or do they just leave me?' Buffy sighed and stretched out on the couch. 'Too much to think about. Just deal with it later. Deal with it all later.'  
  
Buffy woke to the sound of the front door opening. She sat up with a slightly foggy head.  
  
"Buffy? Hey! We just thought we'd come over and see how you were doing. I know you said you'd call us, but we've been kind of worried." Willow was giving a cautious smile.  
  
Buffy smiled back. "No, it's ok, Will. I'm fine. I'm going to go shower. Then maybe we can go to the Magic Box? You guys can catch me up on all the goings on since I've been...gone."  
  
Willow smiled brightly. "Yeah! That's a great idea. It's about 9, we'll grab some donuts on the way over."  
  
"Sounds great. I'll be down in a few minutes." Buffy trudged up the stairs. She was going to have to make an effort. Maybe if she initiated some contact, they would get off her back. She could buy herself some alone time.  
  
She was greeted with hugs all around when she arrived. Xander had taken a few hours off from work again once he heard Buffy was getting out and about. They all sat around the table talking about the latest Scooby news. All except for Anya, who continued with the business of making money. It seems that Giles had left only two weeks ago, and since then Tara had been working part time at the shop to help out. She and Willow were taking some summer classes at UC Sunnydale. Willow had the smarty-pants scholarships, so she didn't have to worry about working. Buffy could tell that there was a little tension with Willow and Tara over that topic, and possibly other things, but she didn't push it. Xander was doing well in his construction work. He had just begun telling her an incredibly boring story about one of his crewmen when she saw him look past her. His eyes narrowed and his jaw clenched. Buffy turned to see what he was looking at. Spike. Buffy couldn't help but smile, and Spike noticed her just as she did. She stood up and started walking toward him, but Xander brushed passed her.  
  
"Hey, Evil Dead, I thought I told you you can't just drop in here whenever you want. I'm boarding up that entrance in the basement tonight. Anya doesn't like you here, and you know it!"  
  
Anya jumped between the two. "I *said* I didn't like him here when he was drunk and just trying to steal things." Spike looked a little sheepish. "But, since he doesn't look drunk this time, and I'm assuming he has money.." Anya raised her eyebrows at him. Spike held up two twenty dollar bills. "Then I don't have a problem with sober paying customers! What can I get ya, Spike?"  
  
"Uh, just some burber weed. And some more of those little tealights, if you got 'em." Spike looked up at Buffy and she was blushing. He smiled at her like she was the most wonderful thing in the world. He was shaken out of his momentary bliss when Xander shoved him.  
  
"Hey, don't even think about it. Just because she's back and she was insane enough to let you stay with her the other night doesn't mean you can go back to your sick, twisted Buffy fetish." Xander had him by the lapels of his button up shirt and was right in his face.  
  
Buffy could see Spike's jaw working overtime. His fists were clenching and unclenching. She thought momentarily that she should stop Spike before he decked Xander, but she really didn't want to. She felt bad for thinking it, but she wasn't very concerned about Xander's feelings right now. Then she realized that Xander didn't know about the chip. He couldn't, or he would never do this to Spike. 'Oh, Xan, you're gonna find out in a big way in a couple of seconds.' But Spike never moved. He stood there for Xander's whole tirade and never did a thing against him. Finally, Tara moved in to break up the men, and Xander just walked back to the table shaking his head.  
  
Buffy saw a little tremor move through Spike, but then he calmed himself down and turned to the counter. He paid for his things and headed to the basement. Buffy caught up with him before he reached the door.  
  
"What was that? You never take Xander's crap like that. Things really have changed."  
  
Spike furrowed his brow, "What would you have me do, luv?"  
  
Buffy was confused. Why wasn't Spike knocking Xander across the room? "Well, I don't know. You usually have *some* rude remark for him."  
  
"Look, you just got back from the beyond, I didn't think you needed a big argument at this point. Because I'd argue with Xander, the witches would try to calm everyone down, Xander would argue with them, and Anya would yell at us all for disrupting her business. Trust me, it's been a staple of Scooby life since you've been gone."  
  
"Oh, so you're a Scooby now? Things really *do* change!" Buffy gave him a teasing smile.  
  
"NO, I am most certainly *not* a Scooby, I just meant...ah, bugger. I'm going home."  
  
Buffy put her hand on his arm. "You up for patrolling tonight?"  
  
Spike gave her a grin, "I am if you are, but like I said, don't rush anything."  
  
"I won't," Buffy smiled, sincerely hoping she wasn't. 


	10. Stay

Buffy spent the rest of the day at the Magic Box, trying to exude normalcy. She smiled at all the right times, pretended she was interested in Willow and Tara's stories about the coven they wanted to join, laughed at all of Xander's stupid jokes. She even offered to help Anya at the register at a particularly busy point in the day. She welcomed the rest from trying to convince her friends she was happy. At least the customers knew that fake happiness was a part of customer service, so she didn't have to try so hard not to hurt their feelings. She just kept a smile on her face while ringing up purchases. She even survived lunch and dinner with the gang. By the end of the day, her head was aching as much as her face was from smiling.  
  
Anya began closing up around 8pm. Buffy sighed in relief that she would be able to leave.  
  
"Well, guys, I'm going to head out. I told Spike we could do some patrolling."  
  
Xander frowned, "Buff, maybe that's not such a good idea. I mean, you just got back. You don't need to deal with obsess-o boy again."  
  
Buffy closed her eyes. "Xander, Spike is my friend, ok? You're going to have to deal with it. Please stop fighting with him, I really don't need this now."  
  
Xander hung his head, "Sorry, Buffy. I just don't want...ah, you're right. I'm sure it's fine. You can take care of yourself."  
  
Buffy told everyone goodbye and left quickly. She felt this relief wash over her as soon as she shut the door.  
  
"Looks like we have the makings of a dark and stormy night, luv." Buffy jumped at his voice, then turned fast. She slugged him in the arm.  
  
"Oww! I see being out of commission hasn't diminished your strength!" Spike gave her a cocky grin.  
  
"God, you're awful! Don't you know better than to sneak up on people?"  
  
"Uh, no, not really. It's kind of a vampire thing. Cuz when you just walk up to people and ask if you can bite them, they usually say 'no'." Buffy shuddered a bit at this.  
  
"What are you doing here anyway?"  
  
"Well, you said you wanted to patrol. I figured I'd just walk you to the cemetery. Ya know, make sure there's no big bads around. Well, except for yours truly."  
  
Buffy started walking, Spike by her side. "You're kind of making a habit of that, aren't you? Look, next time you want to walk me home, just say so. No need in trying to be all sneaky, which you suck at, by the way."  
  
Spike gave her a look of mock hurt, "I do *not* suck. Well, I *do*, being a vampire and all." Spike noticed Buffy cringe a bit at this. He wasn't sure what to make of it, but he continued. "I am very stealthy, I'll have you know. *You* were the one out in la-la land, letting vamps get close."  
  
Buffy laughed, "Yeah, you were so stealthy. It's very discrete to mock your victims after you dust them."  
  
"Oh, that's a little trick I picked up from *you.* You're the queen of ridiculing demons while you're killing them!"  
  
"I do not! I just make observations from time to time."  
  
"Uh huh." Spike saw her smiling from the corner of his eye.  
  
When they made it to the cemetery, it didn't take long to spy a new vamp rising. "You want this one, pet?"  
  
Buffy shook her head. "Nah, you go ahead. I'll get the next one." Spike shrugged and staked the vamp before he was halfway out of the ground.  
  
After an hour, Spike's tally was five vamps and Buffy had none. After the first two, Spike didn't bother asking her. He could tell she wasn't up for it.  
  
"So what's up, pet? It was your idea to go patrolling, and now you don't seem like you're in the mood."  
  
Buffy stopped and sat on a headstone. "I don't know. I just don't feel like...slaying. I was kind of just hoping we could talk. Hoping the baddies would stay away tonight."  
  
Spike cocked his head to the side. "Why didn't you just say so? We can just go talk, if you want. You want to keep patrolling, or maybe go back to my place?"  
  
"Well, I'd love to just sit out here for a while. It really does look like it might rain though."  
  
"Ok, pet, let's just sit here until the rain drives us in." They sat next to each other against a large headstone. "So, what's on your mind?"  
  
Buffy recounted the day, complete with fake happiness. She also told him of her fears about losing emotion.  
  
"I'm just so afraid that it'll be like this forever. That I'll never get those old feelings back. I just feel like I'm not even friends with my friends anymore. And that makes me feel guilty because I know they love me, I really do. But I just can't be around them for too long. It's like they all expect me to be the old Buffy again, but I'm not. And I don't know if I ever will be."  
  
"Pet, you *are* different. And you may never be the same again. And maybe that's not a bad thing. I think the friends thing will work out. You Scoobies always work that stuff out. But it's gonna take time. It's silly of them to think that you're going to be 100% normal so soon after that. And I'm not sure you doing the fake thing with them is going to help."  
  
"But they expect me to be happy. They think I was in hell! Of course I should be happier here. But I can't tell them where I really was."  
  
"Why not, again?"  
  
Buffy sighed, "Because it would hurt them."  
  
"But if you aren't really feeling those kind of emotions right now, what do you care if they get hurt?"  
  
Buffy pondered this for a moment. "I don't know. I just know I don't want to hurt them. They're my friends, even if I don't feel very friendly to them right now."  
  
"Pet, way I see it is, you *do* have those feelings for them. All the old feelings are still there. They're just buried under your frustration and anger over being back."  
  
"But my mom. I can't even remember loving my mom." Buffy began to cry. Spike put a tentative arm around her. She nestled her head into his chest.  
  
"You love your mum, I've no doubt about it. But luv, you just came back from the dead. You can't expect everything to be the same within you. All those feelings you're scared of losing are there, they're just not...accessible right now. It's like they're behind a wall or something." Buffy looked up at him and chuckled through her tears. A wall. It was exactly what she had thought before. "Maybe there's this theoretical 'wall' around your heart, and you just have to break through. But I don't think it's something you can force. Just like the other things in your life, it's going to take time to get back to normal. But I have no doubt you will. If anyone can, it's you, Slayer."  
  
Buffy sat up and wiped her eyes. "Don't call me that. Just call me Buffy, please."  
  
Spike looked confused at her, but acquiesced. "Ok, Buffy." Just then the rain started and they both sprinted toward Spike's crypt.  
  
Once they were safely inside, Buffy sat in Spike's lazy chair. There were already candles lit, as there often were in Spike's crypt. He lit a few more.  
  
"Didn't you used to have a tv?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Yeah, it's downstairs. I fixed it up down there, it's pretty nice."  
  
"Can I see?"  
  
"Sure, pet." Spike led her to the ladder and jumped down. He steadied her as she climbed down, and led her to a small love seat situated in front of the television. "So, whaddya fancy? Don't have many channels, and with it raining, I'm afraid the reception will be crap."  
  
"It doesn't matter," Buffy said as she stretched and yawned. Spike knew she was very close to sleep.  
  
By the time he had made the circuit of the 7 channels he got, she was out. He smiled as he picked her up. He carried her gently to his bed and laid her down. He took off her shoes and covered her up. He was trying to decide what to do with himself when he heard her say sleepily, "Spike? Don't leave, ok? If I wake up here, I'll probably freak out if you're gone."  
  
Spike smiled at her, "I won't leave, pet. Promise." He walked back to the love seat and laid across it. It was uncomfortable, but at least it gave him a good vantage point to watch Buffy sleeping. He wanted to crawl in bed beside her and wrap her up in his arms. But he knew not to push it. He knew they were closer now than they had ever been, and he wasn't about to get greedy. 


	11. Dreams

Spike had spent most of the night watching Buffy sleep. Listening to her shallow breath, her steady heartbeat. He resisted the urge several times to comfort her when she whimpered. He wanted so much to rescue her from her bad dreams, but he knew he couldn't. He mostly wanted to rescue her from her current bad dream called life. He could tell she was so miserable, but he didn't know what he could do for her. He just decided to be there for her, no matter what she needed. A patrol partner, a sympathetic ear, a punching bag if need be. This was his Buffy and he wasn't about to do anything to make her more unhappy. He wasn't going to force her to be cheerful like her friends did. He wasn't going to try to remind her of all the happy times she had before she died. It wasn't his place. His place was beside her, in whatever capacity she needed him. And she did need him, he could tell. That thought alone would sustain him for another 100 years. She might not need him like he needed her, but it was a start. They were friends, and he'd never had a friend. Dru, Darla, and Angel were never his friends. Only his lover and sires. When he was human, he only had casual social acquaintances. Even at university, he was never able to connect to anyone. He was off in his own little world of romance and poetry. And on the rare occasion he tried to let someone in, they never wanted it. Only his mother had ever been truly loving and supportive of him She was the only other person to need him. He thought Dru couldn't live without him, but he was proven wrong. But now there was Buffy. She needed him. She needed to confide in him. She needed him to make herself feel better. He wasn't sure how he had gotten so lucky. First she comes back from the dead, and then she really, truly needs him.  
  
Spike was broken out of his reverie by sobbing. He jumped up and was at the bed in an instant. He shook Buffy gently. "Luv, come on, luv. It's only a dream. Wake up, Buffy." Slowly Buffy's crying stopped and her breathing slowed.  
  
"Spike? It's so dark. I can't see you."  
  
"Oh, sorry, pet. I forget that not everyone has vamp vision. Hang on." Spike proceeded to light a few candles, just enough to let Buffy get a feel of where she was again. "You've been having bad dreams all night, luv."  
  
Buffy nodded, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Yeah, I have ever since I got back. Some worse than others. I can never wake up from them. They always play themselves out."  
  
"What kind of dreams?"  
  
Buffy shrugged. "I can't always remember them. I just know I'm always so alone. And it's not like the feeling goes away when I wake up..They don't want me, Spike. My friends, they don't want me here. They want the old me. Hell, *I* want the old me. I just feel like they did this thing, they brought me back, and now they've abandoned me. Like they're just politely waiting for me to 'get back to normal' or something. But inside I feel so alone, so I try to act normal so maybe they'll want me. Or, so maybe I'll want them. Because I don't, not right now. I don't want them, and they don't want me. And I don't know how to live like this."  
  
Spike sighed, taking the risk of gently brushing away a stray tear that fell down Buffy's cheek. "Pet, like I said, it's all going to take time. And to be honest, they haven't abandoned you. You've shut them out from the truth. Do you really think they wouldn't be there for you, supporting and loving you if you told them what really happened?"  
  
Buffy shook her head. "Oh, I'm sure once they stopped feeling sorry for themselves, they'd spare a thought for me. But that's just the thing, I don't want their sympathy. I just want..I just want them to undo it. I don't want to be here. I want to go back, but they'll never understand that. And even if I told them where I was, they'd never be able to send me back. Because they're selfish."  
  
"Pet, you know it's a strange day when I'm defending the Scoobies to you. But they're your friends. You need to be honest about this if you want to have any chance at a normal life again."  
  
Buffy jumped off the bed. "Don't you get it? I *don't* want a normal life again. I don't want a *life*. This wonderful existence is full of pain and fear and exhaustion and violence. Who in their right mind would choose this over where I've been?"  
  
Spike tilted his head and looked sadly at Buffy. "Buffy, if there was anything I could do to make you happier right now, you know I'd do it. But this...I think it's got to be you. You're the only one who can make yourself happy."  
  
"No, Spike, there is something you can do for me...I'm terrified of the dark, and I wake up feeling alone. Would you just...I mean, just in a friend-type way...could you just hold me until morning? I hate waking up alone, in the dark." A tear fell down her cheek as she tried not to look at Spike. He tilted her chin up and smiled at her.  
  
"Of course, pet. Whatever you need, you know I'm here for you." Spike climbed on the bed and offered his hand to Buffy as she laid down beside him. She turned her back to him and he draped his arm over her waist. She grabbed his hand and brought it across her chest to cradle her face against the pillow, making his grip on her that much tighter. Spike took in the scent of her hair so close to him and couldn't keep his own tear from falling. This depressed, miserable woman was his heaven, and he'd never be able to show her the sheer bliss of this moment. 


	12. Heaven's Scent

--Spike, Giles is coming in sometime today, so I had to go get the house ready. You can pick me up around 10 tonight for a patrol if you're not busy.  
  
Buffy  
  
PS. Thank you for last night, but mostly for this morning. I didn't wake up feeling alone, and that's more important than I think I can explain.-  
  
Spike smiled as he read the note. He folded it neatly and place it on his nightstand. Then he rolled over and hugged the pillow Buffy had used. He took in her scent again, for maybe the millionth time since she'd been back. It meant so much to him, because before she died her scent was all he had sometimes. She might storm out of his crypt or throw him out of her house, but her scent always remained. He could pick up her trail a day later. But when she died, her scent slowly died too. He would walk past her house and for a little while, it would be there. And he could pretend she was just inside. But a few weeks later, it was completely gone. He could smell that Willow and Tara had been there, sometimes Xander and Anya. But the traces of Buffy were gone. He stopped walking by her house then. Even if he needed to go somewhere that would take him past her house, he would take a different route. He couldn't stand passing by and not smelling her.  
  
But now she had been in his bed. He had been holding her. She had wanted him. She had needed him. Spike fell back to sleep with a smile, intoxicated by Buffy.  
  
The reunion with Giles had went as Buffy expected. He had gotten there much earlier than she had thought possible, but when he said 'the next flight' he wasn't joking. Giles stared at her, hugged her, and said 'dear lord' quite a bit. The rest of the gang was there too, as Giles had stopped by the Magic Box first. Giles made Willow explain the spell she used, and she did, with much pride. Buffy had to make an effort not to say something rude. 'They thought they were helping,' she continually thought to herself. Giles didn't let go of Buffy's hand as he and Willow discussed the spell. Buffy found herself missing Spike. 'Why do I miss him? He's Spike! I have all my loving friends here, and I'm wishing I could talk to Spike.' Buffy decided not to dwell on it, her life was confusing enough as it was without trying to justify her friendship with a vampire. Buffy snapped out of her thoughts when Xander started talking about said blond vampire.  
  
"What? What about Spike?" Buffy looked aggravated.  
  
"Oh, nothing, Buff. I was just telling the G-man about how we're trying to keep Spike's little obsession curbed this time around. I mean, you just got back from hell, there's no reason you should have to put up with Spike too!" Xander laughed at himself.  
  
"Spike's...ok. He's not doing any harm. Just leave him be." Buffy wished she could tell them all that he'd been more of a friend than they had. Instead, she settled for a mild defense. She didn't want to stir up anything, especially when Xander was on one of his anti-Spike rants.  
  
"Ok, Buffy, whatever you say. I'll just be keeping my eye on him, is all. You're one of my girls. Gotta look after you!"  
  
The day proceeded with more gabbing and hugging, more awestruck looks from Giles, and what Buffy thought was a little disagreement between Giles and Willow. She didn't make out all of the conversation, but it seemed Giles was concerned about Willow delving into the black magics. Giles had taken Willow into the kitchen, away from prying ears. But as everyone else was talking excitedly about what to do for dinner, Buffy focused on the other discussion. Giles sounded a bit agitated and Willow sounded defensive. When they returned to the living room, however, there were smiles all around as if nothing had happened.  
  
After yet another exhausting day, the gang finally left. Buffy offered Giles a spare bedroom upstairs, which he accepted eagerly. As Buffy headed to the basement to return some chairs that Xander had brought up, the doorbell rang. Giles called to Buffy that he would get it.  
  
"Oh, Spike. Yes, Buffy told me you would be dropping by. Come in."  
  
Spike responded with a nod as he entered. "Watcher. How is everything?"  
  
"Well, it's...overwhelming. As I'm sure you can understand."  
  
Spike nodded again. "How's England? The tea still hot and the queen still cold?"  
  
Before Giles could respond, a shriek startled them. Spike was in the basement before Giles could even think, but he managed to catch on quick enough. Spike found Buffy staring at herself. Or rather, the bot of herself.  
  
"W-what is this doing here?" Buffy was wide eyed.  
  
"Oh, well, Red fixed it up this summer and-"  
  
"And you *used* it? Oh my god, Spike. That is so sick. I thought-"  
  
"Oh, bloody hell, woman! I didn't use it like that! We used it for patrolling. Didn't want the demon world thinking the Hellmouth was without a Slayer."  
  
"OH! Oh, ok. I guess that makes sense...it's still...weird."  
  
"I can't believe you thought I'd use it...like that...again."  
  
"Well, I'm sorry. I just thought, you probably missed me and well...you *did* have her made for that..."  
  
Spike frowned. "I wouldn't. I couldn't, not after you...look, let's just go patrol, alright?" Spike stormed up the stairs past a slightly confused Giles.  
  
Buffy followed Spike and called back to Giles, "Don't wait up, we'll be late." 


	13. Cold Comfort

"Spike, wait up!" Buffy was pulling on her jacket as she followed Spike down the sidewalk. She finally caught up with him and grabbed his arm to halt him. "Would you just stop for a minute? What's the deal?"  
  
Spike spun around and yanked his arm from her grip. "What's the *deal*? What do you think the deal is, Slayer? I mean, you actually think I could do *any*thing with that bot after losing you? After holding you up on that tower and watching you jump right out of my life...god, how could you think I could even stand to look at that thing? That thing that was almost, but not quite you. It was good enough for me before. Before you treated me like a human, like a man. I needed something of you, Buffy. I had the bot made so I could play pretend that you actually saw me as someone. That you actually saw me as the man you made me want to be. I pretended that you loved me as much as I loved you. I had it made to say all the things I dreamed you'd say to me. But once I actually *knew* what it was like to be considered a man by you...by the real you...after I held you tight in my arms, knowing you accepted my love...how could I have anything to do with that shell of a thing?" Spike was pacing a small area on the sidewalk. "Do you have any idea how hard it was just to be patrolling with that thing? Even after Red reprogrammed it...it was still like looking at you, all the time."  
  
Buffy walked up to Spike, halting his tirade. She looked up at him, sadness in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Spike. I should have known. I saw how much you changed after Glory hurt you. Probably even before, but I didn't bother to notice. I never noticed you, not really. And I'm sorry for that too." Buffy reached up and gently caressed Spike's cheek with her thumb. Then she slid her hand around his neck and pulled him down to her. She gave him a soft kiss on his cheek and released him.  
  
Spike stood a bit stunned before her. She giggled at his witless expression and grabbed his arm. It took a bit of tugging to get him to move, but when he did, she kept her arm linked in his. Giles might have seen them walking down the sidewalk like a couple had he not decided to clean his glasses after seeing her kiss him. He moved away from the window with a 'bloody hell.'  
  
Twenty minutes into the patrol and Spike could see again that Buffy wasn't up for it. After dusting a fledgling, Spike sighed, "Pet, why do you insist on patrolling if you don't wanna slay?" Buffy shrugged, peeling strips off her unused stake. "Alright, how about we head out to that diner nearby? I'll buy you some dinner. Put some meat on your increasingly noticeable bones."  
  
"Already ate."  
  
"Ok, you can watch me eat and criticize my table manners, how about that?"  
  
"Ok." Buffy bounded off the headstone she had parked herself on and again linked arms with Spike. He gave her a curious look. "What? Girl can't be too careful walking through a graveyard at night."  
  
Spike ordered up a plate of hotwings and some fries. Buffy had a diet coke. While he waited for his food, Spike looked intently at Buffy. She was gazing off at nothing. "Ok, I don't suppose I have to ask what's got you down, since you've been nothing *but* since you got back. But you're really out of it tonight, luv." Buffy shrugged again, not looking at Spike. He shook his head. "Pet, you've gotta talk to me. I know you're not talking to anyone else." Buffy finally looked at him for a moment. She put her hand on top of his, then turned to look out the window.  
  
"I like spending time with you, Spike. It's the only time I feel half decent. But half decent still isn't where I need to be to make it." She was so distant, Spike wanted to shake her to the present.  
  
Spike put his other hand on top of hers, but she didn't look at him. "Ok, pet, so what are we going to do about it?"  
  
Buffy sighed, "Don't know. Don't really suppose it matters. Lots of people go through life like this, I bet. Miserable people who turn out to be miserable old folks with 20 cats and no friends. And being the Slayer, maybe I don't have to live to be that old. Never liked cats anyway..."  
  
Spike clenched his jaw. He jerked both his hands from her and slammed them on the table, drawing the attention of the few patrons in the diner. Buffy seemed to snap to attention too. Spike leaned as far over the table as he could without getting out of his seat. "You listen to me, we're going to figure this out. You're not going to be miserable forever. I want to help you, but I can't do it alone. All your friends would be happy to help you, but even they can't do it. *You* have to do it. You have to *want* it. Now, damnit, work with me here. Let's talk this out and make it work. Tell me what you need me to do here, Buffy. I'll do anything to help you, you know it. But this, how you are now, it's not going to work. I can see you retreating into yourself. Soon you'll be so far in, no one can reach you."  
  
Buffy broke down. "I don't know what to do, Spike. It can't really be like this forever. I feel so empty inside. I can't take this. I just can't live like this." Buffy was sobbing now, not caring who noticed.  
  
Spike slid out of his booth seat and into hers. He put an arm around her and drew her close. "It's ok, pet. We'll figure it out. Maybe we'll get the Watcher in on it, he might know what to do. Or where to start. It's not going to be easy, Buffy, but we'll do it, ok? Do you trust me?"  
  
Buffy looked up at him, tears still streaming down her face. She nodded. "You really do care, don't you? You'd really do anything for me..." She nuzzled her face back into his chest as her crying lessened.  
  
"Of course, luv. Anything in my power, I'll do it. I just want you happy. Even if I couldn't be here to enjoy it, I could die happy knowing you would find some contentment in life again." Spike had his head down on hers, eyes closed. He was enjoying the feel of her in his arms again, oblivious to the outside world.  
  
After they enjoyed their cuddle, and some hotwings, Spike walked Buffy home. He stood in front of her door, bathed in the pale porch light. Buffy looked at him for a long moment before speaking. "You're right, it's not going to be easy. But I know you'll be with me, giving me what I need. Spike, right now you're the only thing that makes me even approach happy. And I think I know what needs to happen to make me feel good again." Buffy put her hands around his neck and for the second time that night drew him down for a kiss. But this time, it was not his cheek she went for, but his lips. Spike's body tensed and, almost as quickly, relaxed into hers. She held his face to hers, and he slipped his arms around her waist. He gripped her tightly, for fear it was just another dream and he would wake up with him in his crypt and her forever gone. Buffy pulled away from him, smiling. He has his eyes closed for a moment, not willing to take the chance of opening them to nothing. When she caressed his face, he finally looked at her. She just gave him a wink and walked into the house. Spike stood for a moment, partly stunned and partly stoned, on Buffy. He turned and started home, feeling for all the world a little boy without a care in the world.  
  
Buffy went up to her bedroom, feeling better than she had since she got back. She had something to work with. She had Spike, and she had a plan. She pulled out some paper and a pen and started to work on making everything right again.  
  
**  
  
R&R, no, not rest and relaxation sillies! 


	14. Get Happy

Spike was just nodding off in his chair when he heard the door creaking slowly open. He smiled, knowing it was her. "Pet, getting to be a habit, this. Can't find anything better to do at one in the afternoon?"  
  
"Not really," was the soft, somewhat slurred answer. Spike furrowed his brow and stood up to look at her. He sniffed the air, catching the familiar scent of liquor.  
  
"You're pissed, aren't you? Barely past morning and you're soddin' sloshed!" Spike chuckled a little, but had a very concerned look in his eyes.  
  
Buffy smiled coyly and brought the bottle of tequila from behind her back. "Ya caught me. Sorry I started without you. You wanna join?"  
  
Spike eyed her suspiciously, but wasn't about to pass up a chance to spend time with Buffy. "Yeah, alright. But tequila's not really my thing, love. Got my own, if you don't mind."  
  
"By all means! Just more for me." Buffy made her way to the opening of the 'basement' of Spike's crypt. He raised his eyebrows. "What? I like it down there. It's dark and quiet. And you have more comfortable furniture down there." She started down the ladder. Spike grabbed his bourbon and followed.  
  
"So, what's the occasion, love?" Spike was still wary of her, wondering what game she was playing at.  
  
"Huh? Oh...I guess...life! I decided life was *so* worth living, and I wanted to celebrate with my unliving friend. Got a problem with that?" Buffy plopped down in a big red chair.  
  
Spike rolled his eyes. "Oh, I see. A little more with the 'so sad' bit, then? 'S getting old, pet. Besides, I thought we talked this all through last night. What's with the 180?"  
  
Buffy frowned and pouted. "Spiiiike, you're supposed to love just being in my presence. Do you really need a reason? I mean, you still love me, don't you? I can tell. I can tell by how you kissed me last night."  
  
Spike sat down against the wall opposite Buffy. "Yeah, I still love you. Always will, I assume. Doesn't mean I wouldn't like to be around you once in a while when you're not depressed. Last night, for instance, was better. But this...not sure I'm in the mood."  
  
Buffy pouted some more. "Why are you talking to me like this? You're suppose to just listen and get it."  
  
"Oh, I get it, love. You hate your life and you come to me because I'm the only one who knows. You put on your happy face for your chums, and I get to see real Buffy. And as flattered as I should be, I know it's only because you don't care enough about me to care how this makes me feel. Last night made me think differently, but I see now how it really is. You protect them because you love them. You say you don't love them, but I think ya do. You put all the crap of your life out on me because you don't really care how it affects me. You think it doesn't kill me to see you so unhappy? You think there isn't a day that goes by that I wish I could do something to help you, to make you feel normal again? But there isn't. So yeah, I sit and listen, because it's all I *can* do. It's all you'll *let* me do. But it doesn't mean I have to be happy about it." Spike took a long pull on his bottle and stared right at Buffy.  
  
Buffy pouted a bit more and took several small drinks on her bottle, making faces every time that made Spike smile, despite his aggravation. They both just sat in silence for a few minutes, the sloshing of the liquor the only sounds. When Buffy's bottle was empty, she stood up and walked unsteadily over to where Spike was. She grabbed his bottle just as he was about to take a drink. He gave her a look of mock anger and stood up, a bit wobbly himself. He walked over to the chair Buffy had been in and sat down. Buffy harrumphed at this and walked leisurely to the chair. She put one knee on either side of Spike's legs and sat on his lap, straddling him. He raised his eyebrows at her actions and grabbed the bottle from her.  
  
"Ok, I think you've had enough, pet. You're doing things now that get naughty little Slayers in trouble." He took a drink and set the bottle down on the floor.  
  
Buffy cocked her head to one side and said, "I *am* a naughty little Slayer, aren't I?"  
  
Spike took a deep breath and slowly tried to push her off, "Ok, look, as much as this is right up my soddin' alley, I don't fancy you sobering up and making me urn sized."  
  
Buffy would not be extricated from his lap. She clamped her legs around his thighs and held on. "You said you wanted to do something for me. To make me happy?" She started tracing her fingers up and down his chest.  
  
Spike looked very dazed and confused. "Yeah, I do, pet. But not this. This wouldn't make you happy. I mean, hell yeah, it would make you happy, but only for a little while."  
  
"Oh, come on, Spike. Don't tell me you haven't dreamed of this. Did you dream about me while I was gone? Did you imagine making love to me?" By now she was running one hand through his hair while exploring the landscape of his chest from underneath his shirt.  
  
Spike gulped. "Yeah, I did. Every night I dreamt about you. Making love to you, kissing you, tasting every inch of you...but we can't. I mean...no, we can't. You don't know what you're doing. You're 3 sheets, love. Why don't you go home and sober up. I'll walk you, so long as you don't mind the sewers."  
  
"Don't wanna go home. Wanna stay here. Wanna do this." Buffy took off her shirt, slowly, and threw it to the side. She took one of Spike's hands and placed it on her breast, squeezing his hand there. Spike closed his eyes and tried to remove his hand. Buffy's slayer strength was not diminished by the drink, he deduced. Buffy put her hand behind Spike's neck and pulled him to her.  
  
"You dream about tasting me? Do you dream about tasting my body or my blood?" She now had Spike's face pulled into her neck, where he couldn't resist the urge to give her a little lick.  
  
"Both," he rasped.  
  
Buffy pulled his head back and held his face. "Spike, I want you. I want you to make love to me. I know you think that I'm just drunk, but I really want this. I've wanted it for a while. I just didn't know how to tell you, and I knew if I had a little to drink I wouldn't have any problem saying it. I almost said it last night, but I couldn't. So.here I am. Asking you for help, to make me happy. You said you would help me. I want us both to be happy, Spike."  
  
"Are you sure, pet? You have to be sure."  
  
"I am. I've never been more sure of anything." Buffy leaned down and took Spike's lips in a fierce kiss.  
  
**  
  
R&R please! 


	15. Bloody Hell

Spike stood up with Buffy wrapped around him. Somehow she got all her clothes off without ever losing her grip on Spike. He silently wished she had let him take her clothes off. He carried her to the bed where he laid her down as gently as he could. He quickly took off his clothes and climbed on the bed with her. He positioned himself over her.  
  
"Oh, Buffy. God, I've wanted this for so long. You have no idea." He kissed her gently on the lips, then the neck, shoulder. He was working his way down her arm when she grabbed his head and crushed his mouth to hers. She released him for breath.  
  
"Now, Spike. I want you now. I want you in me."  
  
Spike smirked a bit, but the smirk was soon replaced by a blinding smile of love. His Buffy was actually here, wanting him. He wanted to make this last, to love her slow and easy, the way she deserved. But she was urgent, insistent. Even when he tried to caress her gently, she grabbed his hand and forced pressure. She was arching her hips up to his, and he could smell her arousal. It was more intoxicating than the booze and he slid down her body to taste her. She grabbed his shoulders and pulled him back up to face level.  
  
"No, now. I want this now." She looked almost frantic, and Spike frowned a bit at her urgency.  
  
"Ok, pet. Whatever you want." Spike reached down to position his cock at her wet entrance. He slid it up and down her hot folds, and she moaned at this. Then she reached down and grabbed his hand, stilling his actions.  
  
"Wait, Spike. First...I want you to...Do you want to...taste me?" Buffy looked hesitantly.  
  
Spike smiled widely and slowly slid down her body again. Again, she grabbed his shoulders and pulled him back up. "No, I didn't mean...there. I mean, don't you want to...bite me? Don't you want to taste my blood? I mean, don't vampires like to do that during sex?"  
  
Spike frowned a bit. "Well, yeah, we do like that. But...I don't think you want me to bite you. Do you realize what you're asking here? Word to the wise, pet. Don't offer something like that to a vampire unless you're prepared to follow through. Now I'm gonna let you off with a warning this time, but only because you're drunk. Any other time and all's fair." Spike reached down again. Buffy caught his hand again.  
  
"I do realize what I'm asking. And I want you to. I mean...isn't it kind of like claiming someone? Making them yours? I want you to claim me, Spike. Don't you want me to be yours?" Buffy looked kind of shy and embarrassed.  
  
"Bloody hell, Slayer. I think you're off your rocker. Drunk doesn't even cover this. Of course I want to taste your blood and make you mine. 'S all I've wanted since the day I first saw you. Well, the tasting your blood bit. Didn't want to make you mine until last year, but you weren't really interested-" Spike was cut off Buffy grabbing his head and pressing it into her neck.  
  
"I want you to, Spike. I want to be yours. Please, make me yours. I want to belong to you. Don't you want me?" Buffy's pleading, mixed with the scent of her arousal and sound of her blood rushing just inches from his mouth made him lose it. He vamped out and slid his fangs into her soft flesh. She cried out a little and said, "Drink me, Spike. Take it all."  
  
Spike snapped out of his daze and pulled back from her neck. Still in vamp face, he asked, "What did you say?"  
  
Buffy's eyes welled up and she whispered, "Please."  
  
"What?! You want me to...NO! My god, was this all just to..." Spike had jumped off the bed and was gaping at Buffy with huge eyes.  
  
Buffy couldn't hold the tears any longer. "Please, Spike. Please do this for me. I can't take it anymore. I can't be here anymore. I want it to be you. Please, please just take your one good day. I'm giving it to you. You said you'd help me. Said you'd do anything." She was now holding a sheet over her naked body.  
  
Spike was fuming and pacing in front of the bed. "I...I can't believe you would...bloody hell...you want to make me your killer. I won't, Buffy. I won't do it. I've killed you once, I won't do it again. My god, you really don't care a thing about me, do you? You would actually ask me to murder the one thing that gives my life any meaning? Why?!"  
  
Buffy shook her head. "I don't know. You've killed before. You've killed Slayers before. I thought you would want this. I mean, if I was going to die again, I thought you would want to be the one."  
  
"Bitch! You are...beyond words! You are the biggest coward I've ever seen. You're too fucking scared to live and to scared to off yourself. So you worm your way into my bed, pretend you want me, make me think my one and only dream is coming true, and then you try to make me kill you??? Un- fucking-believable. I can't...Just get out. Go. Fuck! I thought we...since you came back, we were friends. We talked, we tried to work through your problems...And this is how you repay my friendship? Just get out. I can't be around you right now. Get dressed and go." Spike turned his back to her and hung his head down.  
  
Buffy slipped out of bed, tears still streaming. She quickly got dressed. She slowly walked up to Spike, but when she got near him, she heard a low growl. "Get the fuck out."  
  
Spike stood stock still until he heard her ascend the ladder. Then he cried. He laid down on his bed and sobbed, her scent still around him, on him. He could still taste her blood, her lips, her skin. "Oh God, Buffy. Why? Why would you do this to me?" At that moment, he smelled it. Blood. Hers. And more than just what he had taken from her. The scent was overwhelming. It was all around him. He was stunned for a moment, then thought, 'Oh, fuck, NO!' He leapt from the bed and went to the hole to the upstairs. He jumped up through the opening, not even touching the ladder. He saw her there in his chair, blood dripping from her wrist.  
  
"Not a coward, Spike. See?" Buffy looked down at the blood flowing quickly from her wrist.  
  
Spike was at her side in an instant and grabbed the knife that he mentally kicked himself for leaving out. 'How was I to know she was feelin' suicidal??' He tossed it across the room and started babbling. "Oh, Buffy, no. God, no. Please...why? Fuck..." Spike knew why. Knew she was determined to leave this world one way or another. He scooped her up in his arms and ran back to the underground hole. He jumped down deftly, barely jostling her. He ran to the bed and laid her down gently. She was losing consciousness. He grabbed his shirt off the ground and ripped it in two. He wrapped one long strip just above her elbow to act as a tourniquet. He wrapped the other strip tightly around her wrist. She had made the cut deep and long. To prove she was no coward. He ripped the pillowcase off the nearest pillow and wrapped that around her wrist too.  
  
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, Buffy...luv...please don't do this. We need you. We all need you." Spike was holding her wrist tightly, hoping that her slayer healing would kick in sometime soon. Buffy was out cold. After a few minutes, he slowly removed the bandages to check if the bleeding had slowed. It had, but still flowed a bit. He took off the tourniquet and checked again. The blood was slow. He wrapped up her wrist again, trying desperately to remember what he had learned as a young man in cases of emergency. He remembered that she should probably eat something. He didn't remember why, but he knew he should find something for her to eat. He had plenty of regular food, but upstairs. He couldn't leave her. And she wasn't eating anything while she was unconscious. But he decided to take his chances. Just be a moment upstairs. But he also knew Buffy. He rummaged around in his boxes and found some handcuffs. He cuffed her right hand to the bed, leaving her injured hand free. He figured this would do well enough if she came to while he was gone.  
  
He dug through his refrigerator, looking for something that Buffy might like. 'Doesn't matter if she likes it, you git. She just needs to eat.' He found something more or less nutritious and brought it down to Buffy. He tried to sit her up a bit, and put the glass to her lips. "Come on, luv. Drink up." He tipped the glass to her lips, but got no response. He could hear her heartbeat was faster than before, knew she was coming to. So he waited a few minutes.  
  
When she did open her eyes, she saw Spike's face full of worry and anger. She averted her gaze from him. "Here, now, pet. You gotta get something in you besides booze. Help you heal up." Again, he brought the glass to her lips and this time she jerked away from him.  
  
"I'm not drinking blood! Or...did you *turn* me? Oh my god, I'm a vampire, aren't I?  
  
Spike looked at her incredulously. "*No,* I did not turn you. You've only been out a few minutes, love. You should know it takes quite a bit longer than that to raise a vampire. And this isn't blood, it's vegetable juice. Drink it, it's good for you."  
  
By this time, Buffy had noticed that she was handcuffed to the bed. She gave him a questioning look. "Had to be sure you wouldn't do something foolish...again. I'll take it off if you promise to just sit there and behave."  
  
Buffy nodded and took the glass from Spike. He moved around the bed to unlock the cuffs. She drank the juice and made a disgusted face. "Might as well be blood. This is terrible. And why do you have health food anyway?"  
  
"Well, hanging out with your mates this summer...they'd have me over for dinner sometimes. And since they all were just right repulsed by me drinking blood at the table, Red decided to give me vegetable juice to drink. And then I could mix the blood in with it. I guess it made them feel better thinking it was just vegetable juice, even though they all knew what was in with it. And, I guess I developed a taste for it. Now I always put my blood in there. Some burba weed, makes it all hot and spicy...." Spike trailed off, realizing he wasn't really in the mood for small talk.  
  
Buffy looked down at her bound wrist. "Spike...I-" Spike stood up swiftly and held up his hand to stop her. He shook his head while he yanked on his pants.  
  
"No, I don't want to hear anything you have to say right now. Look, I know I can't stop you if you want to kill yourself. I mean, I did this time, but in the future...I won't always be there. Wish I could be, but I can't. So if you're going to do it, just...just know that I love you. Ok? If you're going to die again, I want you to at least know that. And know that I wouldn't trade a minute of the time I've spent with you recently for anything in the world. And...and I'm sorry, Buffy. I'm sorry I can't make you happy, or take your pain away, short of killing you-which I will *not* do. I just wish that being with me made you feel as whole and complete as being with you makes me feel. But I also want you to know that I've accepted that I can never do that for you. I can never be for you what you are for me..And I'd beg you not to do it, if I knew my feelings would make any difference. But all I can say is that your mates need you. They love you and they'd be lost without you. But if you can't find anything in this world that makes you want to stay in it...well, I can't say that I haven't been there. Took all I had not to catch my last sunrise while you were gone. But if you're going to do it...please don't come around here anymore. I don't think I'd be able to handle getting any closer to you, spending any more time with you, knowing that I only had you for a short time more. I know I should just cherish any moment I can have with you, like I have up 'til now. But up 'til now I thought you'd be around a while longer. I'm sorry. Sorry that I can't be stronger in this." Buffy noticed tears slowly falling down Spike's cheeks.  
  
Buffy got up shakily and walked over to where Spike stood. She placed her hand on his face and wiped away some tears with her thumb. Then she turned and walked away from him. She silently climbed the ladder and in a moment, Spike heard the crypt door close. And he stood there, quietly wondering if he would ever see his love again.  
  
**  
  
Uh oh! Trouble in Sunnydale! R&R if you please! 


	16. Sorrow

"Oh, Buffy, thank God!" Giles ran to embrace Buffy as she exited Spike's crypt. Buffy stiffened at his touch, and he quickly pulled away.  
  
"What the hell is *this*, Buffy? What's going on?" Xander fumed as Buffy stepped away from Giles. He was holding the note she had left for them. "And what the hell does 'don't blame Spike' mean? What did he do?"  
  
"Oh no..." Willow threw her hand to her mouth. Xander looked at her, then at what she had seen. Two small marks on Buffy's neck. No longer bleeding, but obviously fresh.  
  
"He's dust," Xander ground out as he pushed past Buffy. She grabbed his arm and held him fast.  
  
"No, it wasn't his fault. He...I made him." Buffy refused to look at any of them, something akin to shame washing over her.  
  
"Made him? Yeah, I'm sure you had to try really hard too. Buffy, I swore if he ever hurt you that that would be the end of the line for him."  
  
Buffy gave a grave laugh. "Oh, ok. If we're killing everyone who's hurt Buffy, then you all can take your place in line for the chopping block. Spike's the only one who tried to help me. And yeah, I wanted to die. Still do. But he wouldn't let me. He stopped me. See what I did? See what you made me do?" Buffy ripped off the makeshift bandage from her wrist, baring it for her friends to see.  
  
"Oh, dear Lord, Buffy...you did that?" Giles mouth fell open in confusion. Buffy nodded mutely. "Buffy, you're letter...you were in heaven?" Another nod. "I...I don't know what to say."  
  
"Nothing to be said. It's done. And I just blew my one chance at going back any time soon." Buffy hung her head, grasping her wrist.  
  
"Oh, God, Buffy, I'm so sorry. It was all my idea. Don't be mad at them. I did it. I thought..." Willow broke down into tears. Tara put a bracing arm around her lover.  
  
"Buffy, we *all* thought that you were somewhere bad. W-we just wanted you to be safe and happy," Tara offered, now holding Willow in a supportive hug.  
  
Buffy hung her head and wrapped her arms around herself. "I know, Tara. I know you were all just doing what you thought was right. I know I can't really blame you, but I was so happy. You guys don't understand what it's like to be here again. After being where I was...I'm so miserable."  
  
"Yeah, so miserable you'd let Spike kill you...that's not miserable, Buff, that's insane." Xander was pacing a good distance from the group.  
  
"That's enough, Xander. Obviously Buffy is going through something that none of us can fathom right now. I don't think this is the place for judgments. I think we should all be thankful that Spike had the...good sense to help Buffy instead of harming her further." Giles spoke to Xander but never took his eyes off Buffy.  
  
"Good sense? You call that bite mark good sense?!"  
  
"Look, by Buffy's own admission, she...manipulated Spike into doing that. I don't think we should be surprised that he did it, I think we should be surprised that he stopped. He is, after all, still a soulless creature. Buffy offering her blood to a vampire and living to tell about it is a testament to said vampire's...uniqueness. As are his actions this past month. No, I hold no ill will toward Spike. I think he is the only reason Buffy is standing before us now."  
  
"I can't believe you are ok with this, Giles! He bit her! What kind of world do we live in when vampires can bite our friends and we go congratulate them??" Xander was still pacing, but Tara walked over and put her hand on his arm.  
  
"Xander, think about it. Remember what Buffy told us before about the chip. It works on intent. If Spike had meant to hurt Buffy, he'd never have been able to bite her. I don't know what the circumstance was, but he wasn't trying to hurt her, and she wanted it. She wasn't a food source or a victim...she was willing."  
  
Buffy's head flew up after hearing this. 'The chip. They don't know. They can't know, or they'll kill him.' "Look, guys, I really just want to go home now. I don't feel like talking about this, ok?"  
  
Giles walked up to Buffy and put his arm around her shoulders. She didn't pull back this time. "Buffy, I think it's very important that we all talk about this. Not just what happened today, but everything. But not just now. You need to go home and get some rest. Alright?" Buffy nodded. Giles led her into the group. "Take her home. I'll be along shortly. Don't leave her alone," he instructed the others. "Buffy, I'm sorry but I feel it's necessary that someone be with you at all times, for a while anyway. I realize you're in a certain frame of mind that-"  
  
"It's ok, Giles," Buffy interrupted. "I'm not going to try...this again. But I understand what you mean. It's fine." Buffy let Xander and Tara lead her out of the cemetery. Willow stayed behind with Giles.  
  
"What did I do, Giles? You were right, I shouldn't have messed with that stuff. I just thought..." Willow started crying again.  
  
"I know what you thought, Willow. And I can't say that I wouldn't have considered the same thing. But did you take time to research? Did you even consider what might have happened to her, or did you just automatically assume the worst?" Giles crossed his arms and looked sternly at the crying girl.  
  
"I just wanted her back, Giles. I *wanted* her to be in a worse place, so I convinced myself she was. And I convinced everyone else too...I can't send her back, Giles. I can't do that."  
  
"No, I wouldn't suggest that at all. There's no telling how something like that would turn out. No, I think the only option we have now is to somehow make amends with Buffy. Make her life here as pleasant as possible. I'm not sure how to do that just yet, but Willow, we've got to figure something out. Buffy feels scared and alone right now. We have to try and banish her fears and show her she's not alone." Giles walked to Willow and gave her a hug. "Now, why don't you go home with Buffy. Keep an eye on her, but give her some space. She's been through a very traumatic experience today; the last thing we want to do is make it worse."  
  
Willow nodded. "Aren't you coming?"  
  
"Shortly. There's something I need to do first." Giles nodded for Willow to go and turned toward Spike's crypt.  
  
Giles knocked softly on the metal door. When he received no answer, he pushed it open gently. He gasped at the scene before him. Spike was standing in the middle of the room, shirtless, covered in blood. He was staring down at an area of the floor which Giles saw was a pool of blood. Giles shook his head at the irony. Before him stood a master vampire covered in a Slayer's blood. A Slayer that he saved. A Slayer whose blood her refused to drink, going against every vampiric instinct he had. All Giles could think to say was, "Thank you."  
  
Spike stood motionless, not acknowledging the Watcher's presence. The little snort he gave upon Giles' 'thank you' was the only indication he even knew Giles was there. Giles stood for a moment longer, hoping Spike would be able to enlighten him on what had happened earlier. Upon seeing he was not welcome or wanted, Giles slipped out quietly and left to be with his Slayer.  
  
**  
  
R&R please! Oh the drama! I know I should be going for the 'less depressing than season 6' route, but it just wouldn't be Spuffy without the angst, now would it?! 


	17. Breakthrough

They had all expected Buffy to rest as soon as they got her home, but she refused. Instead, she sat with them in the living room, silent for a long time. None of them dared to speak, all of them unsure of what they would say. Buffy had expected to want to go to bed also, but she found herself on edge, her entire body buzzing with some unexplained energy. She felt like something big was going to happen, and she wanted to be there when it did. She had a sneaking suspicion she knew what that something big was. The silence prevailed until Giles came in.  
  
"Oh, Buffy. I'd have figured you'd be resting." Giles put up his coat and then joined the gang in the living room.  
  
Buffy nodded. "Me too. Not very tired though."  
  
"Yes, well then.....perhaps we should.....are you up for discussing what happened?" Giles tried to be gentle, but firm. This was something that *would* be discussed, whether his Slayer wanted to or not.  
  
Buffy shrugged and gave a little nod. That was the greenlight for everyone. They were upon her at once.  
  
"Oh, God, Buffy, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I didn't mean to do this.....it wasn't supposed to be like this," Willow cried, kneeling in front of Buffy. The others were surrounding her as well.  
  
"No, it wasn't just Willow, we all did it. Well, not Giles....."  
  
"We just thought.....we're so sorry, Buff."  
  
"If we had known, you have to believe we'd never have done it."  
  
"We love you, Buffy. We love you so much."  
  
Buffy looked at her friends around her, so repentant and pained for her. And like a dam bursting, she felt it all rushing back to her. All the love, friendship, and respect that she had held for her friends and Watcher for 6 years washed over her. And for the first time since she returned, Buffy cried in front of her friends. All at once, she felt so heartbroken over her friends pain and ecstatic for the return of emotion.  
  
"Guys, ok, come on. It's ok. I mean it. It's not going to be easy, but it'll be ok. We'll fix it. We always do, right?" Buffy was smiling through her tears, trying to cheer up her friends. The irony of the situation was not lost on her.  
  
Slowly, the tears stopped and everyone returned to their seats. Giles had hung back, watching the scene with something akin to happiness and confusion. He knew something big had happened with his Slayer today. And even if he couldn't explain it, he knew things were going to get better for her. Slowly better, but better nonetheless.  
  
After a few moments of silence with only the occasional sniffing to be heard, Buffy realized something. "Giles, what kept you?"  
  
Giles cleared his throat, not wanting to lie to Buffy, but unwilling to remind her of what had transpired earlier. But Giles knew that honesty would have to be the prevailing policy if they were going to make things better for Buffy. "I, ah, well.....I dropped in on Spike for a moment. To, well.....to thank him for what he's done for you."  
  
Xander shook his head and as he was about to speak, Buffy cut him off with a gesture. She stood up before her friends. "Look, guys. I want everything out in the open, ok? You need to know that I've been miserable since I got back. And you need to know that Spike was the only person I felt I could go to, to talk. I realize that hurts you guys, but I can't help how I felt. I didn't want to talk to you, because I blamed you. And that's not something that I can just wipe clean, ya know? Things will be better, I promise, but they're not going to be peachy-keen over night. And you all, especially you, Xander, are going to have to accept that Spike is my friend. At least I hope he still is. And I hope you can all give him a little bit of respect, because he's earned at least that. I'm not asking you to like him, but I want you to accept that I do. I like him, and he's been my only friend since I got back. And now I have you guys again, but I'm not going to drop him, because I still want him around."  
  
Xander stood up, not to be stopped this time. "Buffy, you know he's still in love with you. You know hanging around him will only encourage him. And a Spike with hope is not of the good."  
  
Buffy looked harshly at Xander. "Gee, Xander, when you were in love with me all through high school, maybe I should have stopped being your friend. Hope I didn't encourage you too much by being nice to you." Xander sat down sheepishly. "Yeah, I know about your crush. Hard not to. I know about alot of stuff I'd rather not. I know you guys are scared about me being close to another vampire. I know Xander hated Angel before he even had a reason to. I know Willow was all for the kicking of Angel's ass, apparently, but she still restored his soul. That one's always confused me." Buffy looked pointedly at Xander who had his head in his hands. Willow was looking at him confused. "And I know that Giles has more reason than anyone here to be worried, but he's been respectful to Spike, even appreciative. He realizes Spike is not Angel. All I'm asking is that the rest of you realize that too. The past is the past. The only way I can get my life together is to put it all behind me. I know Spike has done some evil things, but right now he's being decent, and that's more than I ever expected from him. I'm just focusing on the here and now, and maybe later I can think about the future. I'm going to need everyone's help with this. Now what's gone on between Spike and I is private. I can assure you he is just my friend. A friend whom I've hurt beyond belief. I've got to think of a way to make it up to him before I can face him again. But right now, I just want to enjoy being in the presence of my loving, *understanding*, friends." At that, she gave Xander a light smack on the head. He looked up at Buffy, who was giving him a little smile.  
  
Xander stood up. "Sorry, Buff. I have no right to judge anything you do. I haven't been in your shoes, I don't know what you're going through. No, I don't like Spike, but if you like having him around, I can deal." Buffy gave Xander a big hug, which he reciprocated. "Ah, ok, I need to call Anya. She's still at the shop, she doesn't know anything that's gone on here. Gotta fill her in."  
  
Buffy smiled as Willow and Tara came in for a hug of their own. Willow whispered, "I never said anything about kicking Angel's ass, you know....."  
  
Buffy nodded. "I figured that out pretty quickly. Xander was just....being Xander I guess. Or at least being 'Xander when it comes to Angel'.....Like I said, doesn't matter now. It's all in the past."  
  
Giles moved toward Buffy and took off his glasses. "Buffy, I'm concerned--"  
  
"Oh good grief, Giles! Stop being so concerned! Be happy! Everything is good, or will be. We'll fix it, we're the Scoobies!" Buffy sounded a bit exasperated.  
  
Giles smiled, "Um, yes, well, I was actually going to say that I'm concerned about your wrist. Shouldn't we tend it properly?"  
  
Buffy looked down at her arm. She had re-wrapped Spike's shirt around it while they were walking her home. She slowly unwrapped it to check the damage. It was still red, raw, and somewhat gaping, but Slayer healing had kicked in pretty efficiently. The bleeding had long since stopped, but it still looked ripe for infection.  
  
"Willow, Tara, perhaps you girls could take Buffy upstairs and look after that. I'm afraid I'm not very good when it comes to.....open wounds."  
  
Tara and Willow nodded simultaneously and Buffy allowed herself to be led upstairs.  
  
Giles was standing in the living room when Xander entered. "Where go girls? Me like girls."  
  
Giles smiled at Xander's poor attempt at humor. "Xander, I wanted to discuss something with you."  
  
"Uh oh, Serious Giles. I don't think I like him."  
  
"Yes, well, regardless.....It's very important that you respect Buffy's wishes when it comes to Spike. I'm the last person to argue for a Slayer/vampire friendship, but I've come to learn that there are exceptions to every rule. I fear that if you continue to disparage him in front of her, you'll only succeed in driving her further away. I'm sure that's not what you want."  
  
"No, of course not. I just.....I'm having a hard time getting used to the idea that she wants him around. That she *likes* him around."  
  
Giles looked at him coldly. "Yes, and I'm sure you didn't *like* him around when he chopped off the head of the Malfot demon who was about to devour you last month. He saved your life, Xander. All of our lives, to be precise. It's a courtesy that I'm ashamed to say I don't think you would extend to him."  
  
Xander sighed, "It's not like I want him dead. I'd help him out in a fight. It's just....it's Buffy. She doesn't always have the best judgment when it comes to guys."  
  
Giles considered this. "Well, I'd say she's not entirely daft when it comes to choosing what men she wants by her side. You and I have lasted quite a while."  
  
Xander smiled and patted Giles on the back. "Yes, but we are a rare breed, G-man."  
  
Giles raised an eyebrow at Xander. "Indeed." 


	18. Amends

Buffy spent the rest of the day with her friends. It was no longer a chore to be with them. She didn't have to pretend she liked them. She was so grateful to be able to love them again. She felt happier than she had in a while. Still, something was missing. She knew full well it was Spike. She had hurt him. Badly. All he had done was be open to her needs and she took full advantage of that. He loved her and she used that love to hurt him.  
  
"What do I do?" Buffy asked before realizing no one had a clue what she was talking about.  
  
"About what, Buffy?" Willow asked as she set down a tray of drinks on the living room table.  
  
"Spike. I can't believe I did that. I mean, I was so terrible to him. How can I see *now* that was so wrong, but at the time it seemed like the most logical thing in the world?"  
  
"Ah, Buff, things were wonky. Spike understands that." Xander was keeping his word, trying *not* say mean things about Spike. It was definitely a challenge.  
  
"You don't know, Xander. You didn't see what I did to him. I...played on his love for me. I made him think...I made him think I wanted him, so he would kill me. I am a psychotic witch! I mean, not the wiccan kind of witch..."  
  
Tara smiled knowingly and patted Buffy's hand.  
  
"Well, Buffy, I'd say the best course of action would be just to talk to Spike. Tell him you're sorry. Assure him that you're going to be alright, because I think he's very worried about you," Giles said.  
  
Buffy nodded. "But later. I'm not ready to see him right now. I wouldn't know what to say."  
  
"Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm up for some food!" Xander stood up, rubbing his hands together.  
  
"Sounds good."  
  
"I'm in."  
  
"Yes, I think we have something to celebrate. Dinner's on me tonight," Giles offered. No one declined.  
  
"Alright, let's go pick up Anya on the way. She can close the store early for a little celebratin'!" Xander started handing out coats.  
  
"I don't know, Xander. You think she's willing to cut short her money dance of capitalistic superiority to hang out with us?" Willow giggled.  
  
Buffy raised her eyebrows. "She has a dance?"  
  
Xander hung his head as he held the door open for everyone. "She has a dance."  
  
On their way home from dinner, Buffy had a request. As Giles let her off at the cemetery gates, she promised not to be too late. No one questioned her. They all knew where she was going.  
  
By the time she reached his crypt, she had worked over a few different scenarios in her head. She wasn't sure which opening line to go with, but she figured she'd be able to tell by his demeanor. The door was slightly ajar, which usually wasn't a good sign. She pushed it open slowly, letting her eyes adjust to the dark. There were a few candles burning. Buffy's eyes burned with tears as she remembered the sweetness of Spike the last few days. As she entered, she immediately noticed the blood. Her blood. It was just a big stain now. Some discarded rags and shirts were the remnants of Spike's cleaning attempt. She shook her head, disgusted with the idea that Spike was here cleaning up her blood. 'He shouldn't have had to do that,' she thought.  
  
"Spike? You here?" Buffy climbed down the ladder quietly. After getting no response, and searching a bit around the lower level, Buffy decided to leave. She figured Spike was at Willy's or something. Probably on a well deserved bender.  
  
As Buffy walked dejectedly to the gates, she heard a scuffling off to her right. She passed through some trees to a clearing. What she saw made her stop and admire. Spike. Fists and fangs. He was fighting 3 fledglings at once. But he was in complete control. He was playing with them. He'd knock one off as another charged at him. She saw the glee on his face. This was his therapy. This was his bender. She let him have it. She could have easily joined in and staked them good and proper. But then what would Spike do to get out his aggression? She watched him for another 10 minutes. The stupid newbie vamps never thought to run. For some reason, they kept thinking their numbers would overpower him. The obviously didn't know Spike.  
  
She made sure to keep herself hidden, lest one of the vamps take her for a helpless young girl. She still wasn't up to slaying yet, but she would if she had to. After a while, she could tell Spike was getting bored. He staked one, then another. When the third one managed to kick the stake out of Spike's hand, Spike raised his eyebrows and shrugged. He grabbed the vamp's head and twisted it off.  
  
When he was done, he stood several yards away from her, his back to her. She decided it would be nearly impossible to sneak away without him noticing, so she was just going to let him leave before she moved from her hiding spot.  
  
"Gonna stay there all night?" Spike said without facing her.  
  
Buffy sheepishly crept from her spot. 'Stupid vamp senses.' She walked up to him slowly, pretty sure he wasn't really in the mood for her to be there.  
  
"What do you want, Slayer?" His voice was colder than usual. 'To be expected,' Buffy thought.  
  
"Um, I just wanted to...apologize." Buffy noticed Spike's back muscles tense in his tight t-shirt. She was sorta thankful she still had his duster.  
  
"Right, apology accepted. G'night." Spike stalked away from her.  
  
Buffy jogged to catch up with him and grabbed his arm. He spun around to face her, still vamped out. "What do you want? You apologized, I accepted, now why don't you toddle on home?"  
  
Buffy looked at the ground, but never released his arm. "I also wanted to thank you..."  
  
Spike jerked his arm away. "Thank me?! Thank me for what? For biting you? For nearly killing you?!" He grabbed her arms and pulled her close to his face. "Take a good look, Slayer. This is how you always see me, isn't it? The monster? Fine, I'm the monster. You wanted me to bite you, I bit you. But don't you ever try to thank me for it. Because for all your talk before, I know you don't see the man. The man is who you asked to make love to you, the monster is who bit you. And that's all you want from me. It won't happen again, Slayer. I won't be taken in by you anymore. You made me feel like a man, but thank you for reminding me what I really am. Because when I'm with you, I forget for a while sometimes. So thank you, Slayer. Thank you for reminding me how you really see me." With that, he shoved her away. He turned to go again.  
  
"Spike, please just let me explain." Spike turned and started to speak. She reached up and put a finger on his mouth. Then she trailed her hand up to his forehead, caressing the ridges. He immediately slid into human face. She let her hand drop from his face.  
  
"What do you want, Slayer?" He sounded tired, exasperated.  
  
"I wanted to say thank you for...everything. Saving my life, firstly. Because I do realize how monumentally stupid that was. And I realize it hurt you. I'm not sure I can ever make that up to you. Because I do see you as a man, Spike. I know it was the man that I hurt, and I'm sorry. Not that 'sorry' makes it better. I also wanted to thank you for telling me to be honest with my friends. Granted, they found out by way of my...suicide note. But still...Spike, it was the most amazing thing. We were all there together at my house. They all knew everything. And just like a wall breaking down, it all came back to me. All the feelings I thought I had lost. All of it. My mom, Spike. I love my mom. And I can feel it again. And I owe that to you. If I had only taken your advice sooner, maybe things wouldn't have gotten so far out of hand." A few tears slid down her cheek. Spike's face softened as he reached up to brush them away with his thumb. Then, as if remembering himself, he pulled away.  
  
"I'm happy for you, Slayer," Spike said earnestly, if sadly. "I knew if you were just honest with them, things would be better. So what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be having some Scooby celebration?"  
  
"Already had one. Spike, I couldn't just let things lie with us. I had to come and apologize."  
  
"Fine. Like I said, apology accepted. I'm happy that you're happy, luv." Spike sighed and ran a hand through his hair.  
  
"Well, I'm not quite so happy yet, but I can definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm hoping it's not just a train!" She chuckled, but Spike was not to be cheered.  
  
Spike nodded. "That's good. I always felt honesty was the best policy. Too much shiftiness and shirtiness only ruins things. You all should take lessons from Anya. That girl is forthright."  
  
"That she is." Buffy shifted a bit. "You're always honest with me, aren't you?"  
  
Spike looked at her curiously, not sure what her tone was implying. "I try..."  
  
Buffy looked around and found a headstone nearby. She sat on it and crossed her arms. "Tell me about the chip."  
  
**  
  
R&R pretty please! 


	19. Honesty

Spike stiffened. "What about the bleedin' chip?"  
  
Buffy raised her eyebrows. "Why don't *you* tell *me*?"  
  
Spike thought for a moment, then shrugged. "Ok. A couple years ago, a drop dead gorgeous vamp returned to Sunnydale set on tasting the Slayer's blood. But before he could fulfill his mission, some GI Joes zapped him with a taser and locked him up. Then they shoved a microchip in his head that didn't let him hurt anyone. And before too long-"  
  
"Spike!" Buffy interrupted. "I'm serious."  
  
Spike shrugged again. "Ok, so deep down said sexy vamp didn't really want to kill the Slayer. Apparently he was subconsciously in love with her. But regardless-" He was cut off with jab to his nose. "Oww, what the bloody fuck was that for?!"  
  
Buffy was glaring at him. "I'm all on this whole new honesty kick, so let's get to it, ok?"  
  
"Hey, you asked, I'm telling. Frankly, don't know why you're asking. You know as well as I do about the chip. Probably better, after being with Captain America all that time." She slugged him again in the face. "Bloody hell! What are you doing?" An uppercut to the chin. "Stop it!" Right cross. "Slayer! What the hell has gotten into you?!" Left hook. Spike vamped. "I mean it, knock it off or you'll be sorry." This is what Buffy was waiting for. A hard blow to his stomach and a left to his face took him to his knees. Almost instantaneously, he flew up with a backhand to Buffy.  
  
Her hand flew to her face almost on instinct. Spike immediately lost his game face. They stood there staring at each other for a moment. Buffy returned to the headstone she had been sitting on. "Now...tell me about the chip."  
  
Spike hung his head. "How did you know?"  
  
Buffy shook her head. "First you answer my questions, then I'll answer yours."  
  
Spike sighed and sat on the ground in front of her. He ran his hands through his hair. "Don't know how it happened. Just stopped working one day. I had gotten pretty drunk one night, which wasn't unusual..picked a fight. Bloke turned out to be human, but it didn't hurt when I hit him. Took out him and a few of his mates. That's how I found out. For all I know, it might start working tomorrow. Or maybe if you kick me in the head, it'll jar it back where it should be. I don't know. Maybe it's rottin' my brain all to mush or something." Spike had his head in his hands, refusing to look at Buffy.  
  
"Have you...fed? Since it stopped working, I mean?" Spike could hear the apprehension in her voice.  
  
Spike raised his head to look at her for a moment, then put his head back down. It was all the answer Buffy needed. She closed her eyes to keep the tears from coming. "Spike...you need to leave town. I don't want to stake you, but you know I'll have to. If you're killing in my town...I don't care who you are, I can't allow it. I'm sorry. I wish it wasn't like this...you...mean a lot to me. Please don't make me...do my job."  
  
Buffy got up to leave, but heard him whisper. "It was only once...not that it makes a difference to you." She sat down again.  
  
"What do you mean, only once? You telling me you were able to kill just one person and then stop yourself? Sorry, Spike, I don't think even you have that much self control. You never needed self control before anyway..."  
  
Spike shook his head. "No, I really never did...Look, first few days after I found out...I hunted...a lot. I stalked women into dark alleys...it felt good. To be a hunter again. But I could never bring myself to approach them. Something...I don't know, I was scared. Scared to do it, scared that I'd forgotten how, scared that maybe the chip would kick in again, but mostly...scared of what you'd think. I know, you were gone, shouldn't matter. But anyway, one day I'd gotten in another fight. Down at that demon bar just outside of town. Was all vamped, having some balls-out fun, God that was a good fight. Anyway, some little chit saw that, was rightly impressed with me. Turns out she was a...groupie of sorts. Kinda like your soldier boy. Offered me $20 to bite her. Running on pure adrenaline and booze, I was...so I did it. Figured, free meal, easy money. But when I did it...soon as the blood hit my mouth...it was all you. In my head, in my ears, all I could think and hear was you. When I was holding her, biting her...it melted away until it was me holding you up on that tower. The way you looked at me, like a man. Not a monster, then. I was a man. Never felt more like it. I heard the words you said to me, felt you in my arms. And I knew...knew I'd never be able to feed on anyone. Even a willing someone, like that girl. And I didn't, not until...today."  
  
A few tears trickled down Buffy's face, but she wiped them away quickly. "Is it hard? Knowing you can, but not doing it?"  
  
"I can't, don't you see? I mean, physically I can, but I can't, not really. Hey, if the memory of you was enough to keep me from it, you think the flesh and blood Buffy is going to have less effect? I guess sometimes it's rough. Now that I can be a vampire again...I don't want to. And I'll never be a man, not really. And after a couple of years *not* biting people, it's not that hard to do. I mean, I got out of the habit a long time ago. I guess it's like conditioning. If I can just pretend the chip is still working, it's easier. But like I said, even if the chip doesn't zap me here, you sure as hell do." He tapped his head with a chuckle.  
  
Buffy got up from her seat and sat next to him on the ground. "Yeah, but still...all that bloodlust. Can't be that easy for a vampire to give up."  
  
"Sure, still got the bloodlust. But I got pig's blood for that, don't I? And I got the demon population to help out with my homicidal tendencies...though I'll be honest with you, a human picks on me, I'm not gonna back down. 'S one part of my nature I'm not going to suppress. I'll not refuse a fight from anyone nowadays."  
  
"Oh, like Xander?"  
  
Spike chuckled, "The whelp would hardly be a satisfying defeat. Besides, you think the Scoobies wouldn't stake me good and proper if they found out I could hurt humans again? And I doubt they'd believe that I don't. And anyway, I wanted to be able to look after them, like you asked. Couldn't very well do that if they staked me or ran me out of town, now could I?"  
  
Buffy shook her head. "Guess not."  
  
"So, now my question. How'd you find out?"  
  
"Um, well...in your duster...there was this, um..."  
  
"Bloody hell, my journal...can't believe I left that in there."  
  
"Yeah, I, uh, I sorta read some of it. Sorry, curiosity got the best of me."  
  
Spke shrugged, "'S ok. Most of it was to or about you anyway. You must think I'm a right soddin' git now..."  
  
"Well, I might...if I knew what that meant..." Buffy laughed.  
  
"I'm a ponce." Buffy frowned. Spike sighed. "A bleedin' softie. I bawled like a big girl, ok? And spewed out crap in that journal that just proves how much of a Slayer's lap dog I really am. Not even remotely Big or Bad anymore...pathetic."  
  
"You're not pathetic, Spike. That stuff you wrote...it was sweet. It was nice to read, especially when I was feeling so alone. And I didn't read it all, just so you know. I kinda stopped when I got to the chip part."  
  
"When was this? Today?"  
  
"No, it was a couple of days ago."  
  
"And you're just *now* confronting me about it? What kind of Slayer are you? I could have murdered half of Sunnydale by now!"  
  
"I couldn't believe that, Spike. Not after how you treated me. How you made me feel so loved and wanted. I couldn't see a killer in you. At least not anymore. But I still had to know for sure. I didn't want to get...closer to you and find out too late my trust was misplaced. I've already killed someone I care about. I don't want to do it again."  
  
Spike nodded. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Spike cleared his throat. "So, how's this honesty thing working out for you?"  
  
Buffy chuckled and looked up at the stars. "Well, I'm a Slayer sitting in a graveyard having a heart-to-heart with my once mortal enemy whom I've seen naked, been bitten by, and who saved my life all in the course of an hour. I'd say it's working out better than expected really..."  
  
Spike laughed and laid back, his arms behind his head. "So, that naked part...see anything you fancy?"  
  
Buffy laid back beside him and elbowed him in the ribs. "Oh, wouldn't you like to know..." Spike raised an eyebrow and gave her a sideways glance as they both enjoyed the night sky in comfortable silence.  
  
**  
  
R&R por favor! 


	20. Watching

Giles was waiting up for Buffy when she came home. "So, how did things go?"  
  
"Good. Things are good," Buffy said with a genuine smile. Giles was glad to see it.  
  
"Splendid. So Spike harbors no ill will?"  
  
"No, I mean, yeah at first he was majorly mad. But then we talked about...stuff, and he was ok. Good, even."  
  
"Well, I'm glad to hear it. Um, Buffy, I do have a few questions though. I realize if you're uncomfortable discussing it with me, but I'd feel it remiss not to ask..."  
  
"Oh, spit it out, Giles." Buffy sat on the couch next to him.  
  
"Yes, well, it's about your...relationship with Spike. I know that you told us you were just friends. I'm wondering though...well, you seem to regard him differently than before you...left."  
  
Buffy sighed. "Yeah, well, things are different with Spike and I. I barely gave him the time of day before. I basically used him. For information, for muscle...I never respected him. Not like I do now. I can't explain it, Giles. He's different. I mean, maybe he has been different for a long time, but I never bothered to notice. He was always just Spike. The pain in my ass that was useful once in a while. But now...he's not the same guy that tried to kill me in the school...not even the same guy who chained me up in his crypt."  
  
Giles cleared his throat. "And you...have feelings for him now?"  
  
"I care about him, Giles. Like I care about all my friends. I mean, ok, it is a little different than my other friends. He still loves me, I know that. And that's what makes how I treated him today even more terrible. Because he's *never* made an issue of that since I got back. Not once. He was always just there for me. And I felt loved, and it felt so good. And that's when I knew I could use him. And it didn't seem that bad until I saw the look in his eyes when I asked him to...to drain me. And that's when I realized what I had unconsciously known the whole time I'd been back. He's just a man. A man who loves a girl. He's not a monster, Giles, I don't care what anyone says. I don't care what he says. He's not a thing. He's a good person and I'm finally seeing that."  
  
Giles sighed and hung his head. "I was afraid of this. Buffy-"  
  
"Giles, I'm not in love with him or anything. We have a kind of connection, I know. But it's not love. Not on my part anyway. I mean, I know...he's a vampire. He doesn't have a soul. I knew a long time ago I couldn't love someone without a soul. Nothing has changed there. But it doesn't mean he can't be good. He can, I've seen it. I'm not sure exactly what having a soul entails, but I know Spike doesn't need one to be good. As sure as I am that I can't love him, not really. I mean, God, I don't even think of him that way. We're friends. He's been so kind to me and I keep hurting him. That's not the kind of friend I want to be."  
  
"Buffy, I certainly do hope you realize that it would be incredibly unwise to have a relationship with another vampire. A soulless one, at that."  
  
"I know, Giles. Like I said, we're friends. I know a lot is made about souls and stuff. I just think it's a basic emotional thing that is missing in vampires. I mean, Spike can love, but how deeply? And I can really like him, but could I ever love him knowing that he feels no remorse when he hurts someone? Or that he is proud of all the people he killed? Or that there's only one thing standing between him and bloody massacre?"  
  
Giles nodded. "The chip."  
  
Buffy took a deep breath. "Yeah." 'No, not the chip. Me. I'm what is standing between him killing. He doesn't hurt people because *I* wouldn't like it, not because it's wrong. Not because he doesn't like the suffering of others, but because of me. A bit too much responsibility for someone who's just gotten back from the dead, if you don't mind...'  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Well, you were a bit, um...gone for a moment."  
  
"Oh, yeah, sorry. It's just...don't worry, Giles. Like I said, we're friends. I don't love him. I know I can't, even if that was what our relationship is, which it's not. But I stand by what I said, he's good now. Or at least he's working on it."  
  
Giles stood and sighed. "Well, Buffy, we disagree on the 'good' part. I do know that Spike's behavior has changed since he's had the chip and felt he was in love with you. I'm not going to argue with results at this point, but I think it's important to realize that at the core, he hasn't changed. Nothing has happened to him to change his nature. He's still a vampire. He's still soulless. And he's still a predator on a leash. As much as I appreciate and even respect him to a certain degree for overcoming some of his less than savory traits, I think it would be foolhardy to place too much trust in him. Were he to lose his chip right now, I'd put no faith in self control or 'love'. I can't fault him for it, it's just his nature. I agree that his good deeds are all the more impressive because of his vampiric instincts, but it's just behavior, Buffy. It's not a real change in who he is."  
  
"Ok, Giles. It's late. We can just agree to disagree on Spike. But like I said, it's not like you have to worry about getting into another Angel fiasco. That is so not happening here. But I'm also not going to deny that Spike and I are close as friends. I know you respect that, so thank you. And Giles, don't worry, ok!? Just be happy. Everything is going to get back to normal, I'm sure of it!"  
  
Giles gave Buffy a weary smile. "Yes, I am happy, Buffy. Happier than you could know that you're back with us. And I'm thrilled that you are feeling more yourself. And yes, I accept your friendship with Spike. But you understand as your Watcher, I had to be sure..."  
  
"I know, I know. Let's just let it be for now, ok? I'm tired...kind of an eventful day."  
  
"Yes, I'd imagine it was. Good night, Buffy." Giles headed up the stairs.  
  
"Night, Giles." Buffy considered going to bed, but opted instead for some well deserved chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. 'Mmm, cookie dough...why don't people like just dough? Why does it always eventually have to be cookies? There's something to be said for raw cookie dough...' **  
  
Ok, couldn't resist a jab at cookie-dough there! Anyway, it may be a couple days before my next update. Work is very meddlesome in my fun! R&R please! 


	21. His other girl

It had been two days since Buffy's breakthrough, and though her mood was elevating slowly but steadily, something was gnawing at her. She still hadn't been patrolling yet, but that wasn't the problem. She had explained to Giles her apprehensions, and he understood fully with fatherly support, as only Giles could. He assured her he would take care of everything. And he had, asking Spike to patrol in Buffy's stead for a while. Spike had agreed readily, as Giles knew he would. What Giles didn't notice was Spike's slight disappointment that Buffy hadn't asked him personally.  
  
Willow was the first to notice Buffy's distraction one night at dinner. "Hey, what's up Buffy? You look a million miles away."  
  
"I don't know. It's weird. You know, like when something's bothering you, but you can't figure it out?"  
  
Xander pointed at Buffy. "Oh! I know this one. Hormones!" All the women looked at him blankly. "Um, I mean, well, sometimes Anya gets grumpy for no reason, and she says there's nothing wrong. And it's usually that time of the......I'm gonna stop talking now." Xander focused intently on his food.  
  
Anya pulled a baritone voice. "Oh, Xander, you should not say such personal things at gatherings of our friends. It is inappropriate and embarrassing." Anya then smiled big and patted Xander on the head.  
  
"It's not hormones, Xander. I don't know *what* it is, but I'm pretty sure it's not that." Buffy sighed.  
  
"Well, maybe you miss slaying? I mean, you are still the Slayer. Maybe you have some subconscious drive to kill beasties?" Tara offered.  
  
Buffy smiled weakly. "Nah, I don't think that's it. I mean, I really don't miss it right now. By the way, how is patrolling going for you guys?"  
  
The rest of the group looked around at each other questioningly. "Um, I know *I* haven't been patrolling. You guys?" Xander asked the ladies. Head shakes all around.  
  
"Well, then.....I mean, Giles said he'd take care of it. I just assumed he'd ask you guys to do some patrolling. You don't think *he's* doing it, do you? And I know it's not the robot, which, by the way, please take that thing out of my house. So freaky."  
  
"We'll take care of it, Buff." Xander volunteered. The girls gave him skeptical looks.  
  
"*We* will store it away, Buffy." Willow shot Xander a look.  
  
"What? Oh, come on, it's not like I'd use it like Spike did. It's a robot. A very well made, sturdy robot.....but still, I couldn't." Xander leaned over and whispered in Anya's ear. "Could I?" An elbow to the ribs was his response.  
  
"Spike! Oh, duh! Of course, Giles must have asked Spike to patrol. God, it's so weird. I haven't seen him since that day," Buffy realized.  
  
"It's only been a couple of days," Anya said.  
  
"I know, but I saw him almost every day after I got back. Just weird, I guess. He hasn't come to see how I was doing or anything."  
  
Tara put her hand on Buffy's arm. "I'm sure he's just giving you time to readjust to stuff. We all needed some Scooby time together anyway."  
  
"He really isn't part of the group, is he?" Buffy frowned.  
  
Tara's face turned red. "Oh, I didn't mean that. I mean, he is part of the group. He helped a lot this summer. I just meant......well......"  
  
Willow tried to intervene. "Um, I think what Tara meant was that, well, while Spike is definitely a team member here, he just uh......Well, he's relatively new to the group, and frankly you didn't even like him for the most part of recent memory......and well, he's Spike. He's never really wanted to be part of the gang, as far as I could tell. All summer it was, 'you bleedin' Scoobies' and 'you're as useless as a buncha Scrappy Doos.' That one kinda stung....."  
  
Buffy laughed. "No, I know. You're right. He's not a Scooby, I know. But I really should go thank him. But not until I get a couple of those brownies I smell baking!"  
  
---  
  
"Spike? You here?" Buffy entered the crypt quietly.  
  
"Down here, up in a second." She heard him call from below. A moment later, he jumped up through the opening, startling her. "What're you doing here?"  
  
Buffy raised her eyebrows. "Well, pardon me! Didn't know I was intru---" Buffy stopped when she noticed Spike was shirtless and he had several fresh scratches on his chest. His hair also looked rather messy. "What were you doing?" Buffy asked before she even realized it was none of her business.  
  
Spike looked nervous. "Uh, just sleeping. I mean, it's time for me to get up and go patrolling anyway, so it's ok."  
  
"Really? Just sleeping?" Buffy looked at him skeptically.  
  
"*Yes*, just sleeping." Just then, they heard a small clattering from down below. Spike clenched his jaw and shot his eyes to the ceiling. "Oh, balls," he muttered.  
  
Buffy's eyebrows shot up. "Just sleeping with who?" Buffy tried to step around Spike, who kept himself in her way.  
  
"Not sleeping with anyone, just sleeping. And besides, it's none of your concern anyway. You jealous or something?"  
  
Buffy smirked. "You wish. And according to you, there's nothing to be jealous about." She pushed past him. He didn't try to stop her.  
  
As she climbed down the ladder, Spike said, "It's not what you think. I mean, I just.....really, you don't need to go down there." He jumped down after her.  
  
"Alright, where is she? Where's your love monkey?" Buffy teased, trying to hold back the raging jealousy that she was, indeed, feeling. 'He's supposed to love me, to want me. Not some two bit vampire trollop.....'  
  
"I don't have a love monkey, for crying out loud. It's.....nothing."  
  
Just then, Buffy heard a tiny little mewl coming from Spike's bed. She cocked an eyebrow at him and walked over. She noticed a candle and holder on the floor, apparently the clattering that had alerted her in the first place. When she got to the bed, she looked confused. Then a lump under the sheet started moving. Buffy jumped back, startled. Then, curious, she slowly lifted the sheet to reveal a tiny golden kitten.  
  
"Awww, a kitty." Buffy looked at Spike confused. "You have a kitty?"  
  
Spike looked a bit embarrassed but covered quickly. "Pfft, no, not mine. She just.....followed me home. Been tryin' to get rid of her....." Just then, the kitten jumped up into Spike's arms and started purring immediately, nuzzling his chest. Spike sighed, "Bugger."  
  
** It's TBC and if you R&R I'll be TCB! 


	22. Frustration, thy name is Buffy

Buffy giggled. "What's her name?"  
  
Spike blustered. "I don't know. How should I know? She's not mine.....don't know what to do with her."  
  
Buffy started petting the kitten gently. "Well, don't gamble with her! Ok, you don't know her name.....what do you call her?" Buffy smiled coyly.  
  
"Summer," Spike mumbled, avoiding eye contact.  
  
"Summer? Like, season summer or like Buffy Summer.....s....."  
  
Spike sighed again and sat on his bed. "Oh, bollocks. Alright, I was playin' poker last night. Won, of course. Went to turn in my winnings for cash with this shark I know."  
  
"Loan shark?" Buffy asked  
  
Spike frowned. "Something like that. Anyway, handed 'em all over, but this one kept.....lookin' at me with it's green eyes. And with the blond fur and whatall......dunno, kinda reminded me of you.....couldn't very well let it go off to be some demon's midnight snack, could I? So I kept it.....don't have a bleedin' clue what to do with it, though. Never had a pet." Spike shrugged.  
  
"Wait a minute. You gamble with kittens? How...where...what kind of insane- o poker games do you play?" Buffy looked at him incredulously.  
  
"Trust me, pet. You don't wanna know."  
  
Buffy reached out and traced the scratches on his chest. "Looks like she wasn't all that thrilled to be with you."  
  
Spike looked down, more at her hands touching him than the marks. "Yeah well, like I said, I was trying to sleep. And she wanted to play. So I tossed her off the bed. She came back and let me know she didn't care for that. She's a bit nasty that way. Another way she reminds me of you," he said with a chuckle.  
  
"Spike! You don't throw kitties!" Buffy smacked him lightly on the chest, ignoring his last remark. She deserved it, after all.  
  
"What? I was tryin' to sleep!"  
  
"Good grief. You need some parenting classes or something!"  
  
"Yeah well, she seems to like it here. Well enough, at any rate. Just can't get her to settle down while I'm sleepin'. Can't figure it, cats are creatures of the night too. I guess, like you, she makes her own rules. I mean, a Slayer who doesn't slay....."  
  
Buffy sat on the bed next to him. "I actually came by to thank you for patrolling for me. Giles didn't tell me he asked you, but I kinda figured it out."  
  
"No problem, luv. You know I'm always up for a scrap. And it's not like I haven't been doing it long enough anyway."  
  
"I know." Buffy looked away from him, seeming a bit distracted.  
  
"What's on your mind, pet?"  
  
Buffy shrugged. "It's silly....."  
  
Spike held up the still-purring kitten. "Silly as a vampire having a cat?"  
  
Buffy smiled. "It's really just.....ok, this is going to sound dumb, but.....how come you haven't come by? I mean, I thought we were.....all ok and everything. After that whole.....mess."  
  
Spike cocked his head and looked at her quizzically. "We *are* ok, pet. What makes you think we're not? I mean, I didn't come by because well.....I knew you were alright, with your friends and whatnot. And I kinda figured if you wanted to see me, you'd come find me. Wasn't sure I was welcome anyway." Spike looked a bit sheepish.  
  
"What? Why would you not be welcome? You've always been welcome at my house! Ok, not always, but you have been for a long time anyway."  
  
Spike put the now sleeping kitten down on the bed gently. He got up and ran his hands through his hair. He sighed and started pacing. "Look, I kind of figured, once you were getting back to normal, that that was it for you and me. Being friendly, at any rate. Things would go back to how they were before. You have the Scoobies for everything now, and I'm here whenever you need a favor or something. Like the old days. And then when Giles came by to ask me to patrol for you, I figured 'Gee, I don't even warrant the Slayer herself asking me anymore.' So I just thought I'd stay away, try and get used to how things used to be. Didn't think you needed or wanted me around any more. At least not for anything more than patrolling while you're getting up to speed again. And if that's how things are, that's fine. I just need to know that, ok? I think I deserve at least that." Spike was by now looking Buffy with his hands on his hips.  
  
"Calm down already. You know, I kind of figured that you knew me a little by now. You actually think I could go back to the way things were? After everything that happened between us? That I could go back to using you? Spike, I don't know what you think is between us, but I'll tell you what I think." Buffy moved to where he was standing, his defensiveness fading. She reached up and caressed his face gently. "I think that you and I have a wonderful opportunity here. We have the chance to be friends. Good friends. Spike, I can't explain to you how important you have been to me since I got back. You were literally my life line. The only decent thing in my life. You made me happy. Happier than I would have been without you, at any rate."  
  
"Not happy enough to want to stay, though," Spike whispered.  
  
"The way I was.....the void I felt most of the time.....nothing could have made me happy enough to want to live with that. I couldn't exactly be around you 24-7, and in the long run that wouldn't have helped anyway. I had a serious.....malfunction. Something essential within me was missing or blocked, or whatever. Something even you couldn't help with. No one could. I really believe my friends finding out about what I went through.....I think that was the turning point. And I wouldn't have made it there without you. Spike, I probably would have slit my wrists the first night back if you hadn't been there with me. Or one of the subsequent nights. But you were always there when I needed you. And the little happiness I had, was you. I can't thank you enough for that."  
  
Spike wrapped his arms around her. "Pet, you don't ever have to thank me. I was just doing what felt right. Trying to make you happy, because I saw that you were so miserable."  
  
Buffy laid her head on his chest, her hands clutching tightly to his back. "The way you made me feel.....alive.....I can't explain it. I felt so dead then. So lost. But being with you....." Buffy looked up at him, looked into his soft, warm eyes. "Spike, I never felt so alive, so loved as when......when you kissed me and looked at me like I was the only thing in the universe that mattered.....when you were going to make love to me. And I almost just gave up the idea of having you bite me. Because I thought if just having you look at me and kiss me made me feel so whole and real.....making love might truly bring me back to life. But I knew.....I knew that no matter what I was feeling right then, it wouldn't last. It would only make the other times in my life feel that much more horrible. And I couldn't imagine that it could get any worse than it had been." Buffy buried her head in his chest again. "And now I wonder.....now that I feel happy again, what would it feel like.....to be with you.....because I still see it in your eyes. You love me. And I can feel it. It's so nice to be able to feel someone else's love for me. I could feel yours before, but now.....it's just so much more."  
  
Spike took a deep breath. "What are you saying, luv?" He wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer, in case he had totally taken everything very wrong.  
  
Buffy pulled back from him, seemingly remembering herself. She shook her head. "I don't know. I don't know what I mean. I'm just rambling, I think. It's late. You were going out to patrol. I should leave you to it." She began to leave quickly. Spike grabbed her arm.  
  
"Now hold on just a minute-" He could see the confusion and anguish in her eyes. He decided not to make it worse. He sighed. "Be careful, pet. You ok to walk alone? You want me to go with?"  
  
Buffy shook her head, a look of relief washing over her face. "No, I'll be fine. But thanks.....for everything." 'And thank you for not pushing me on something that I had no idea was an issue until I was with you again, seeing what you feel in your eyes. Feeling the warmth inside that I didn't notice I only felt when you were around.....'  
  
Spike nodded as she left. As he listened for the crypt door closing, he felt a very urgent need to kill something in a very brutal fashion. Frustration and Buffy seemed to go hand in hand, and was usually a very good catalyst for violence. The kitten stretched out on his bed did nothing to soothe his mood, but he did spare her a scratch behind the ears before he grabbed for his battle ax. Tonight was going to be bloody.  
  
**  
  
R&R pretty please! 


	23. Midnight Confessions

After a sufficient amount of killing(or after he had killed every demon in sight) Spike was no less frustrated. 'She thinks she can just do that! Just say those things then leave like nothing happened. God, she's infuriating.' Spike knew he would not be able to think, eat, or rest until he had this out with Buffy. Going against the little voice in his head that told him his actions would only hurt her, cause more trouble, and generally be negative, he stomped off with his head full of steam for Buffy's house.  
  
Once in her yard, he threw his battle ax hard into the ground. He deftly climbed his favorite tree and quietly jumped to the eave below her window. She saw him immediately, as she hadn't managed to fall asleep in the 3 hours that she had been lying in bed. She got up immediately and threw open the window.  
  
"What are you doing here? Is something wrong?" She said in a hushed voice, not wanting to wake Giles in the next room.  
  
Spike climbed in uninvited and started pacing. Buffy could tell this wouldn't be good. She raised a finger to her lips. He took the cue and started in an aggressive, but quiet tone, "Look, I know you've been through a lot and I should cut you some slack. But you can't just come to my home and tell me all those things and then expect me not to react. I mean, patience and a level head are not exactly in my repertoire. So.....so what do you want me to do now? How am I supposed to.....to deal with what you said? Do you have any idea what that did to me? You must! You know that I love you.....I just.....I just want to know what's going on, is all. Can you tell me that much?"  
  
Buffy sighed. She knew she owed him the truth. As soon as she figured it out for herself, he'd be the second to know. She sat on her bed, nodding for him to join her. Her gesture calmed him a bit. He took a deep breath and sat next to her on the bed. She started, not looking at him, "I know this isn't fair to you. I know you deserve to know everything that's going on with me.....in regards to you. But the plain and simple truth is: I don't know. For all I knew when I left the house tonight to see you, we were just friends. I was going to thank my friend for patrolling for me and find out why he never came and visited me. I was kinda thinking you could come through the door, though." Spike wasn't amused. "Right.....anyway.....when I saw you.....it wasn't just 'my friend Spike'. It was.....Spike." He turned to look at her when he heard her voice soften at his name. She was looking straight ahead, knowing she wouldn't be able to compose any thoughts if she had to look into his eyes. "And, not 'Spike' as in 'that cocky, pain in the ass that stalks me' but 'Spike' as in.....I don't know......Spike." There again, the soft whispery voice saying his name. She sighed again. "I don't know. I really don't. All I do know is how I feel when I'm around you.....it's good. I feel good and loved and a little scared, because I don't know what it all means. I know you're my friend, but not like Xander is my friend. Because I don't feel this.....warm inside when he's around. He doesn't make my heart tighten and my skin dance when I hug him. And I've never kissed him, but I'm pretty sure that if I did, my body wouldn't feel alive with energy and.....other things.....But I know it's all wrong because you're Spike and I'm Buffy. Vampire and Slayer, two very un-mixy things. And then I wonder how it can be so wrong when it......"  
  
Spike chuckled, "Feels so right? A bit cliche, but I know what you mean, I think." Spike turned so he was facing her fully. She still refused to look at him. "So, where does this put us?"  
  
Buffy shrugged. "That's just the thing, I don't know. I *do* know that I want us to be friends. And I don't think we can be friends if I keep feeling this way when you're around."  
  
Spike smiled, then brushed a few strands of hair over her shoulder, baring her neck. "So what do you suggest?" His voice was low and smooth.  
  
"Stop it! Don't do that!" Buffy brushed his hand away from her and jumped from the bed.  
  
"Don't do what, pet?" Spike looked the picture of innocence sitting on her bed.  
  
"You know what. I can't...*we* can't be like this. Friends, Spike. I want to be friends with you. I can't help it that other parts of me want more. I'm going to use my head for once."  
  
Spike sighed and laid back on her bed. "Slayer, you *always* use your head. That's your bleedin' problem. For once, maybe you should follow the other parts of you."  
  
Buffy had to banish the voice in her head that was telling her how good he looked stretched out on her bed. And how much better he would look with a bit less clothes. "No, no, this is not happening. We're going to be friends, and I'm going to ignore whatever else is going on. I'm sorry, I know you want more, Spike. But I don't. This...can't happen."  
  
Spike had grabbed her and pulled her down on top of him before she could even register his movements. "You *do* want more, Slayer. You know it. You want it with your whole body. Nothing wrong with that. I love you, pet. I want you, you want me. I fail to see the problem." Spike raised his head and started kissing her neck.  
  
It took a moment for Buffy to regain the power of speech. "I, uh...can't...Stop, Spike."  
  
Spike smiled as he lavished her neck, "I can't stop either, pet."  
  
Buffy shook her head, "No, I mean, stop. You have to...stop."  
  
Spike spun her fast so that he was on top of her. "Buffy, how miserable have you been lately? You told me yourself you wondered what it would feel like to be with me now. Do you think it would feel good?"  
  
Buffy nodded.  
  
"Would it make you happy, to be with me? For me to make love to you?"  
  
Buffy swallowed hard and nodded again. Spike smiled, but not a cocky smile. He beamed with all the love he had for her.  
  
"I want to make you happy, pet. I want to make you feel good." Spike started kissing her neck again, caressing her shoulder with the hand not holding himself up.  
  
Buffy closed her eyes and shook her head again. Spike pulled back. "Spike, it would just be me using you again. No different than last year. No different than a few days ago. I don't...it's not love. It's comfort."  
  
Spike nodded. "So it is. It's two people making each other feel good. What's wrong with that? I'm not asking you to love me, pet. I wouldn't ever presume that. Not saying I don't want it or wouldn't like it, but I don't imagine you would love me. And if I'm offering, it's not using. I'm not asking for love or marriage or any of that rot. Just for the chance to make you happy, in a non-biting way this time."  
  
"But, it's not sex that I want. Or, I mean...maybe not *just* sex. I feel good when I'm with you. I like talking to you. It feels like you 'get' me most of the time. I want to be friends, Spike. I don't want our relationship to devolve into lustiness."  
  
"I wasn't suggesting we just shag and that's it. Not what I want either, pet. Look, bottom line is, making you happy makes me happy. So whatever it is you want or need from me, I'm more than willing to give. And if that ends up just being friends, with no 'lustiness' involved, I'm ok with that. Well, I'll learn to deal, at any rate."  
  
Buffy pushed Spike off gently and sat up. Spike sighed and sat up also. "I want to get to know you better. I want to become friends before anything else happens. *If* anything else happens. And well..." Buffy leaned over and gave Spike a tentative kiss. Then a more confident one. At first he was a bit taken aback, but quickly went with the flow. She ran her hands over his chest, while his found their way to her hair, holding her face to his. After a few moments, when she was in need of air, she pushed him away. She almost laughed at the way his eyes twinkled and glazed at the same time. "Ok, so definite lustiness present. Just had to check and be sure, ya know..."  
  
Spike stared at her, reluctantly releasing his hands from her hair. "Uh huh. You wanna check some more? In case we missed something?"  
  
Buffy laughed. She stood up and walked over to her closet. "No, I think that was pretty definitive. And I think further checking would only lead to Giles waking up." She returned to him with his duster. "Here. I meant to give it to you earlier, but I forgot. Your journal's in the pocket."  
  
Spike took it from her. He stood up and slipped it on. He pulled up the front and sniffed it. He smiled, it smelled of her. He took the journal out of the pocket and considered it for a moment. He handed it to her. "Here. You want to know more about me? This will probably tell as much as anything. I know a bit of how you felt when you were in heaven. Now you can know how I felt. Half of it is drunken scribblings, but as I recall, mostly accurate. Maybe you can...I don't know, see how I feel about you. How I've always felt."  
  
Buffy took the journal and smiled. "If it's half as much as I see in your eyes, I don't think I can bear it." Spike smiled. "Oh God, I said that out loud, didn't I?"  
  
"'S ok, pet. Wait til you read some of the stuff I wrote in there...makes anything you could even *think* pale in comparison, I promise you."  
  
Buffy smiled and set the book on her bed. "Well, I can't sleep anyway, it should make for some interesting reading. Now you go. Shoo." She pointed to the window.  
  
Spike pouted. "Don't I get a good night kiss?"  
  
"What? No! Well, ok, just a little one." She reached up and gave him a chaste little kiss on the cheek.  
  
Spike growled and grabbed her. He dipped her low and caught her lips in a fierce kiss. When he stood her back up straight, he had to steady her a bit as her legs weren't quite working. He smirked a bit and gave a little salute as he headed out the window.  
  
When her brain started working again, Buffy called quietly out to Spike. He looked up at her from her yard. "You know, I really need to start patrolling again. Maybe I'll tag along with you tomorrow night. I might be hanging around your crypt around 10:30 if you're interested.."  
  
Spike smiled up at her. "It's a date then."  
  
Buffy laughed. "Yeah, a date to kill things."  
  
"My favorite kind! And if I'm late, you can blame my other girl. Keeps me up late. Can't get enough of me. She's an animal, ya know."  
  
Buffy smiled. "So I've heard...G'night, Spike."  
  
"Night, Buffy."  
  
Buffy noticed the warmth she felt since he had arrived 'spike' when he said her name. It lingered for a while. Just long enough for her to fall into contented, dream-filled sleep.  
  
**  
  
R&R! 


	24. Slayage

As Buffy bounded out of her room in the morning, she was greeted by a grumpy Giles. "Whoa, what's with Mr. Frowny Face?" Giles made something like a sound as he stumbled to the bathroom. 'Guess the jet lag hasn't completely worn off!' Buffy thought.  
  
Buffy, however, was feeling wonderful. She knew it had everything to do with Spike. Even the worry and fear that gnawed at her stomach when she thought about it all too much didn't dampen her mood. She decided she was going to push doom and gloom out of her head for at least one day. She was going to have one good day if it killed her. And, for the first time in a while, she sincerely hoped it didn't.  
  
She was absent mindedly humming a jaunty tune when Giles made his way into the kitchen. He sat down at the island, still a bit groggy. She set out some cereal for him, along with his customary cup of tea. He raised his eyebrows at her mood, but couldn't help but smile, nonetheless. His Slayer was elated. For whatever reason, she was happier than he had ever seen her. He didn't know why, and at the moment it didn't matter. He was just enjoying her joy.  
  
When she noticed him eyeing her curiously, she walked around behind him and gave him a hug. "Life is good," was all she said. Giles nodded in concurrence as she practically skipped out of the kitchen.  
  
***  
  
Buffy spent the day going over financial issues with Giles. Her mother had a very good amount of life insurance, but it wouldn't cover all of the household expenses. First of all, the house still belonged to the bank. Secondly, a big house like that required upkeep. And while Xander was very handy, there were some things even he couldn't fix. Giles had proposed using her mother's life insurance to pay off the house. Or what was left after her mother's medical bills were covered. It would pay for the house, but that was all. Giles had a second suggestion, one that would take some work. He was going to try and get the Watcher's Council to offer some payment to Buffy. This was very unorthodox, but seeing as her 'chosen' status(and college drop out status) didn't allow her to get a job that would actually pay the bills, it was something to be considered. Giles was sure he would not be able to get a steady salary out of the Council, so he was proposing something in the lump sum category. He was going to ask the Council to equal the amount of Joyce's life insurance. The money was to be invested, and hopefully produce some dividends that Buffy could live off of. Not in high style, but perhaps at least in comfort. It was going to be a fight, but Giles was up to the task. It would require him going back to England, as he was sure this was not something he could accomplish with a phone call. It would take weeks of prodding, and possibly intimidating, the right people. The Council was not happy with him or Buffy since she had strong armed them into reinstating Giles and had been very secretive about the whole Glory mess. It was going to take tact and connections, of which Giles had plenty. But it wasn't going to be easy.  
  
"Giles, I don't want you to go! You just got here!"  
  
Giles smiled. "Buffy, it will only be a few weeks. A month at the most. I can't just go demanding, I'm going to have to go about this gently. The Council doesn't take kindly to having demands thrown on them. I'm going to have to endear myself to Travers again, as much as the very thought sickens me. In the mean time, I've made a rather substantial deposit in your mother's, well, *your* bank account. It should keep you afloat until we can get things squared away."  
  
Buffy hugged him tightly. "Thank you, Giles. I don't know what I'd do without you."  
  
'We'll see, won't we?' Giles thought as Buffy hugged him a bit too tight for his ribs' sake.  
  
***  
  
Buffy enjoyed a quiet dinner with Giles. He was actually a very good cook, for a British guy. He told her all about England, about where he grew up and where he returned to after she had gone from them. He told her about some of his favorite pubs in his old hometown. She could tell he missed it. More now that he'd returned for a short while than if he hadn't been back at all. It made Buffy sad that he had to be here with her, instead of home where he wanted to be. She wanted him to stay in Sunnydale forever, to guide her and be her father figure. But she could see that he wanted to be back in England. It was his home, where he belonged. 'No, he belongs with *me*. He's *my* watcher. He can't leave me.' Buffy was pretty certain that his next few days in Sunnydale might be the last he spent on the Hellmouth. She hoped not, but she couldn't tell if her hold over him was as powerful as his homeland.  
  
Giles had been very happy to hear that Buffy was going to go patrolling again. Less happy about the Spike part, but he knew it was something he would have to accept. A little after 10pm she headed out.  
  
Spike was smoking outside his crypt, waiting for Buffy. His face lit up when he saw her approaching. Right on time, like he knew she would be.  
  
When Buffy saw Spike leaning casually against the crypt, a cigarette hanging from his mouth('Damn, how does he make something so ugly so sexy?), she couldn't help but notice that warmth again. It started in her stomach and spread out to the rest of her body. And seeing his reaction to her made her smile even wider.  
  
"So, I see your other girl didn't keep you too late," Buffy teased.  
  
Spike shook his head and sighed. "Wouldn't let me leave, either." He opened up his duster to reveal a little kitty stuffed in the inner pocket. "Had to take out my favorite flask too!"  
  
Buffy giggled, "You're taking her patrolling?"  
  
"Don't have a choice, do I? Came home last night from your place and the little bit had torn up my bed! My nice, new, nicked sheets had all these little scratches and holes in 'em. And then she's just layin' there like nothin' had happened! She's a balsy little thing, I'll tell you that much." Spike looked down at the cat. "Not too long ago I'd have cashed you in. You better be a bit more appreciative of my hospitality!"  
  
Buffy scoffed and took the cat gently out of his pocket. "Don't listen to him. He likes to think he's still the Big Bad, but I bet if we give him our best sorry eyes, he'll melt. Whaddya think?" Buffy turned the kitten to face Spike and gave him a look she knew he couldn't help but fall for.  
  
Spike sighed, "Oh, not you too." He took the kitten and placed her back inside his coat. "Did we come here to make Spike melt or to kill things?"  
  
"Hmm, I vote for both." Buffy's eyes danced at his faux shock.  
  
"Right, but first we kill things. You're out of practice, luv. Maybe you and I should spar a bit first?"  
  
Buffy considered this, then shook her head. "No, I'm ready. I just want to get back into it. Well, not really, but I need to. Can't have you doing my job forever!"  
  
"Pet, you know I'll do it as long as you need."  
  
"I know, but I need to get back to my life again. Slaying and all. Time go give some demons their presents."  
  
"Presents?" Spike looked at her strangely.  
  
"Oh, didn't you hear? Death is my gift. I think it's time for a little gift giving!" Buffy started walking toward the heart of the cemetery.  
  
Spike frowned and opened his coat. "Dunno, she doesn't seem quite right to me. What do you think?" A little 'meow' was all he got in reply. "Yeah, that's what I thought you'd say."  
  
** TBC 


	25. Ice Cream

They walked around for a while without any vamps making an appearance. For a while, the kitten kept them entertained, but she soon fell asleep. Not long after, Buffy sighted a grave newly emptied. She took a deep breath.  
  
"Pet, you don't have to do this. You know that I'll--" An unyielding hand in his face was his answer. Spike took offense and quickly found a headstone to sit on. "Hey, fine by me. Just jump in headfirst after being out of the game for so long. See if I care...." But of course he cared. While he tried to act like he wasn't paying attention, he never lost sight of her. He thoughtlessly petted Summer while Buffy searched for the newly risen vamp.  
  
It didn't take her long to find him, hiding behind a crypt. When he jumped out to attack her, the instincts kicked in immediately. It only took a few blows before she was able to get him into position for the stake. As the dust settled, she heard applauding behind her. She rolled her eyes.  
  
"Good show, pet! Much better than I had figured. I guess being out of practice is kind of a non-issue for Slayers. Good to know I don't have to go easy on you....."  
  
She turned to see him smirking. "You know what? I've had enough killing for tonight. I think it's time for the melting."  
  
Spike raised his eyebrows. "Oh yeah?"  
  
Buffy nodded, a mischievous smile appearing. "Yup. You're going to buy me some ice cream now."  
  
Spike frowned. "I am?"  
  
She giggled, "Uh huh. Lots of melting going on there. Come on."  
  
Spike clenched his jaw in slight frustration. "But we just started patrolling....." He abandoned the fight when he saw her walking off. She was going to make him work for every little scrap. And he was going to do it, like the whipped vamp he was.  
  
As Buffy enjoyed her banana split(about which Spike struggled not to make lewd jokes) Spike was alternately sucking on his strawberry shake and feeding tiny spoonfuls to Summer. He wasn't going to take her back to his crypt to destroy his things, and animals were not allowed in the ice cream shop, so he had to keep her hidden in his jacket. No one noticed him covertly slipping a spoon inside his jacket every few minutes. Buffy giggled at him.  
  
"What? She likes it!"  
  
"No, that's not it. You. You have a kitty. It's just so cute. Of all the things I never knew about you, this is one of the most surprising. You're a cat lover!"  
  
"I am not! Just because I happened to have taken a liking to *one* little cat doesn't make me a cat lover. Besides, thought *you* didn't like cats."  
  
"Well, most cats, no. But this is a kitty. Everyone loves kitties. Are you going to get her fixed?"  
  
"Fixed?"  
  
"Yeah, ya know, make it so she won't have kittens of her own when she's older."  
  
"Um, hadn't really thought about it."  
  
"Well, you'll have to get her fixed. Or else find her some cocky tomcat with white fur and blue eyes so she can.....ya know, have a good time." She waggled her eyebrows at Spike, making him laugh.  
  
"Ah, she's too little to think about stuff like that."  
  
"Yeah, but before you know it, some stray will be climbing in her bedroom window, making her want to do naughty things....." Buffy frowned when she realized what she said.  
  
"Oh yeah? What kind of naughty things?" Spike had a lascivious twinkle in his eyes.  
  
Buffy blustered a bit. "Well, ya know, naughty things cats do. Like.....eat canaries and.....goldfish and, uh.....get stuck in trees......"  
  
Spike's face fell. "Yeah, real naughty." 'God, she's infuriating! Can't she see I just want to grab her and kiss her like last night?! Of course she does, she's just playing with me. How can I want to smack her as much as I want to kiss her?'  
  
"Uh, Spike?"  
  
Spike snapped out of his thoughts. He saw her pointing at his chest. Apparently Summer had decided she wanted some more shake and climbed out of Spike's coat while he was musing on kissing Buffy. She now had her whole head in the glass, but thankfully none of the patrons noticed.  
  
Spike chuckled as he tried to wipe the strawberry mess off Summer's face. "She's more like you than I thought."  
  
"Oh, how's that?"  
  
"Leaving the comfort of the guy that wants to protect her and barreling head first into trouble."  
  
"I hardly think that one fledgling vampire or a milkshake constitute trouble, Spike. I think maybe said guy is just too overprotective!"  
  
"Well, I think said girls are just too stubborn to know a good thing when they see one!" Spike grumbled a bit.  
  
Buffy smiled. "I think we both know the good thing we have." She reached her hand across the table and caressed his.  
  
He couldn't help but soften as she touched him. He placed Summer securely in his pocket and sighed. "Yeah, you girls sure know how to melt me....."  
  
"Ok, finish up your shake. I need to get home."  
  
"What's the rush, luv?"  
  
"The rush is, I told Giles I wouldn't be late. And I think he's a little worried about me patrolling again. I mean, he's happy, yeah, but ya know...He hopes I'm still up to the task."  
  
"Well, you did fine, what with the one whole vamp you dusted. I still think maybe we should make a quick pass through a cemetery. I mean, you need practice, Slayer. One little fledgling isn't going to cut it."  
  
"I know, but I want to start slow. Don't want to get in over my head too soon. That could be..bad. Slow is good." Buffy flashed him a smile that told him she wasn't just talking about slaying.  
  
Spike grunted and shifted in his seat. "Yeah, for now."  
  
"Come on!" Buffy got up from her seat and waited impatiently on Spike.  
  
"Alright, alright. Don't rush an old man." Spike threw down a few dollars and followed Buffy out the door.  
  
**  
  
As they reached her front door, Buffy handed Summer back to Spike. She had insisted on holding her and playing with her since they had left the ice cream shop. She had paid little attention to Spike, though he had trouble keeping his eyes off her. It was almost as if she was deliberately trying to avoid conversation. Spike picked up on her vibe and did his best not to push her. She wanted slow, he'd be the epitome of slow. At least until he internally combusted from frustration, need, and desire.  
  
After he had safely stowed Summer back into his pocket, Spike said a little 'good night' and turned to go. Buffy grabbed his arm. He turned to her. She looked nervous.  
  
"I, uh...well I was thinking..." She sighed. It was so hard to talk to him when all she wanted to do was be kissing him. So she did.  
  
She grabbed his head and yanked him down to her, so quickly he almost stumbled over. But he was able to steady himself against her door with his arms. She had her arms wrapped around his neck so tightly, it felt as if he were holding them both up alone. And soon he was. He snaked his arms around her waist and lifted her until her feet were inches off the porch. They kissed this way for a few moments until an uncomfortable 'meow' came from between them. Spike set Buffy down gently and peeked inside his coat. "Sorry, luv. Forgot you were there."  
  
Buffy took that moment to catch her breath. "Ok, you should go."  
  
Spike looked up at her, tilting his head in that way that made her quiver. "Is that so? Now why would I want to do that? Night's just starting to get interesting, way I see it."  
  
"No, you need to go. You have some planning to do."  
  
Spike's eyebrows shot up. "Planning? For what?"  
  
"You need to decide where you're going to take me for our date tomorrow night." Buffy's eyes were a bit downcast, though her voice portrayed confidence.  
  
Spike took a moment for this to sink in before grinning widely. "Oh, right. Our date. Good of you to remind me. Yeah, lots of big plans. So I'll pick you up around...8?"  
  
"What? Oh, no, that's ok. I'll meet you at your crypt. I want to do a little sweep before we go out. Just a short one, I can handle it. But 8 is good."  
  
Spike nodded. "Alright, 8 it is. And I'll figure out something to do with little kitty destruct-o here." He patted his chest for emphasis.  
  
"Ok. Good night, Spike."  
  
"Night, Buffy. Sweet dreams."  
  
"They will be." Buffy gave him a coy smile before going in the house. Spike stood on her porch until he heard the lock click.  
  
He headed home, one thought in his head. 'Your dreams may be sweet, but mine are coming true.'  
  
**  
  
TBC 


	26. Challenge

Buffy sat in her quiet house. Not that it had been noisy when Giles had been there, but it was...alone kinda quiet. The kind of quiet where you know no one else is in the house and you could run around naked if you wanted. But she didn't want. Not now any way. She had a date to prepare for.  
  
She had been rather sad putting Giles on the plane. But after reassurances that she would, indeed, be careful patrolling and that he would be back as soon as he could be, both felt a bit better about his departure. Emasculating as his trip would be, it was for a good cause. And Buffy appreciated that more than he would ever know. But the time had come for her to do something she was sure Giles would not approve of. Go on an official date with Spike. The Slayer part of her knew she should consider his opinion in all this, but another part of her, the just-Buffy part, wanted to go out with him. Wanted to get to know him, go out to eat with him, act like a normal couple of adults on a date. She didn't want to have to think about being a vampire or Slayer. Just a guy and a girl.  
  
Willow had called earlier to see if she wanted to go out to the Bronze with the gang. She made the excuse that she was trying to get back into patrolling, and was going to focus on that for tonight. But Willow was contented with the promise of a movie and pizza fest at Buffy's house the next night.  
  
Buffy changed clothes at least 6 times, realizing half way through that she didn't have a clue what kind of date this would be, therefore unsure of what kind of clothes to wear. If Spike were a normal guy, she'd call him up and ask. But he wasn't. He was a vampire. 'No, he's just a guy tonight,' she forced herself to think. 'A guy without a phone. Nothing wrong with that. Plenty of people don't have phones.'  
  
Unsure of what to expect, Buffy decided on brown pants, white tank top and a brown button up shirt. It looked classy, but not too chi-chi. She was sure of what Spike would be wearing, so she didn't think she had to worry about being outdone.  
  
**  
  
Again, Buffy was right on time. Spike thought she looked gorgeous with her hair loose and curly. 'Goddess,' Spike thought. Buffy was right about Spike's attire, but she still noticed her heart skip a beat seeing him waiting for her. He offered her his arm without a word. When she started to ask where they were going, all she got in response was, "Tsk tsk, all in good time, Slayer. Buffy." They walked for a while, Spike steering them quickly out of the graveyard. They ended up in a small forest, one that Buffy had no idea existed.  
  
It was a good thing Spike was leading her, because she couldn't see very well in the dark. His vamp vision made everything perfectly clear, and he smiled every time her grip on his arm tightened. Before long, they came to a clearing. Buffy gasped at the sight. Dozens of little candles nestled in the grass, leading to a large blanket spread out on the ground. Some food had been set out on the blanket, and Buffy giggled. "A picnic? You made a picnic for me? That's so sweet.." Spike grinned at her, clearly enjoying her happiness.  
  
"That's not the best part, though, pet. C'mere." Spike took her arm and led her to the blanket. He sat down and she followed suit. "Lay back." They did so simultaneously and she laid her head on his outstretched arm.  
  
"Oh, Spike. It's so beautiful. I can never see the stars this well from my house."  
  
"City lights and street lights make it kinda hard. Thought you might enjoy seeing the night sky sometime when you're not out looking for demons to slay."  
  
"This is...gorgeous. Not bad for a first date, mister."  
  
Spike chuckled and urged her to sit up. "Ok, come on. Not going to let all this good food go to waste. The sky will still be there when we're done eating."  
  
"Ok, did you actually cook this stuff?"  
  
"Uh well, you will notice it's all finger foods. Hard to keep anything warm out here, especially since I had to set it up in advance. Damned lucky some greedy something didn't come and take it while I was waiting for you. That would have made a splendid first date, huh?"  
  
"Well, then we'd just have to lay here together and look at the stars. Not too bad in my book." Buffy smiled so sweetly, Spike thought he might just skip the food and go straight for dessert.  
  
They both laid on their sides, propped on their elbows, eating the little sandwiches and fruit Spike had prepared. He had wanted to bring a bit of blood for himself, but he decided against it. Didn't want anything to ruin this perfect time. Dunking strawberries in blood would definitely equal ruined date. So instead he brought them champagne, which, amazingly, stayed nicely chilled in the bucket of melting ice. As he was pouring some into a plastic cup he had brought, something occurred to him. "Balls!"  
  
Buffy raised an eyebrow. "What?"  
  
"Oh, I knew I forgot something. Flowers. Always supposed to give a girl flowers on a first date. Right? Or am I thinking a bit too old fashioned. Truth be told, I haven't been on a date in...well...ever, really."  
  
"Never? Even when you were a human."  
  
Spike shrugged. "Times where different then. So much bloody pomp and circumstance around everything. Especially getting a date. You had to charm not only the girl, but the girl's family before you could even be invited over to sit with her in the parlour, with all her family watching. Bleedin' inconvenient, if you ask me. And well, Dru...wasn't much for tradition really. So yeah, this is my first date."  
  
"Wow, I feel honored. Being the first date of a man who's over 100 years old. And I gotta tell you," Buffy gestured around, "this definitely ranks as one of the best dates I've had."  
  
Spike raised his eyebrows. "One of, eh? Guess I'll have to try harder next time. And flowers will definitely be involved. And chocolates. Chocolates are customary, aren't they?"  
  
Buffy laughed, "Oh, I don't think I need any chocolates. I have a hard enough time staying away from the ice cream."  
  
"Oh, afraid of getting a few curves, are we? You're a bag o' bones, pet. I think maybe two boxes of chocolates are in order."  
  
"Gee, Spike, you sure know how to charm a girl," she said sarcastically.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well, in general, girls don't like to hear that they're...unappealing...physically..."  
  
Spike laughed out loud. "That what you think? God, you haven't a clue. Pet, trust me, you're physically appealing. You're so soddin' appealing I'm having a hard time being a gentleman right now. I just meant...you shouldn't worry about a little ice cream now and again. Wouldn't hurt, is all. But as for appealing..God woman, you have no clue, do you?"  
  
Buffy shrugged a little. "I don't know. You think I'm too skinny?"  
  
Spike sighed. "Me and my big mouth. Put it outta yer head, luv. Forget I said it. Sometimes being around you gets me all flustered. Things don't come out how I mean them. Ya know, last year, I brought you chocolates. For your birthday."  
  
"You did? How come I don't remember that?"  
  
"Well, I was standing outside your house for a while, and the longer I stood there, the worse an idea it seemed. You weren't really giving me the time of day back then, so I figured maybe it wouldn't have been smart. Gotta say, the more I think about those times, the stranger these times feel. You and me, on a date. When before, you would have staked me just as soon as looked at me."  
  
Buffy laid back, enjoying the stars. "Yeah, well, things change. A lot of things have changed since we first met. Namely we're not trying to kill each other. And well.."  
  
"Well, what?"  
  
"The smoochies are definitely a new thing."  
  
Spike smiled and laid beside her. "That they are, luv. About those 'smoochies'.."  
  
"Uh huh, I'm enjoying the sky right now. Smoochies later." Buffy elbowed him lightly. She giggled when she heard a small growl rumble in his chest.  
  
"So, how'd your friends take the news? I bet Harris blew a gasket. I'd loved to have seen that."  
  
"Um, take what news?"  
  
"You and me, dating. Musta been dumb struck. As always, I miss the good shows..."  
  
"Oh, well, it, uh....didn't really come up. I mean, they wanted to go out tonight, but I told them I had other plans. Not really any of their business what I do with my time, is it?  
  
Spike frowned at her, though she continued to watch the stars. "No, I guess it's not..." 'Oh, I knew it was too good to be true. Dirty little secret, am I?' Spike pushed back his annoyance. "Enjoying the view, luv?"  
  
Buffy smiled. "Mm hmm, but I think I'd enjoy it more from here." She scooted closer to him and laid her head on his chest. As quickly as it came, all of his aggravation dissipated as he gently stroked her hair. He shook his head how under her spell he was. A word from her could enrage him and a gesture could soothe him. He wondered where the Big Bad went wrong.  
  
**  
  
After some much hearty smooching and fondling, Buffy had insisted that it was time for her to go home. Spike acquiesced with a grudging growl, and Buffy helped him clean up the picnic area. They blew out and collected all the candles, and she again held on to him as they made their way out of the forest. After depositing the date materials back at his crypt, Spike insisted on walking Buffy home. She protested a bit, but with very little power behind it.  
  
Finding themselves again on the porch, with no kitty to interrupt them, Spike and Buffy engaged in a bit more heated kissing. As Spike's hand found it's way to Buffy's butt and other parts of him were making their presence known, Buffy pushed him away gently. "Slowly, slowly, slowly," she repeated as a mantra to herself. Spike grinned at her wavering will. She was slowly letting him in. But Spike knew he might have to force his hand.  
  
"So, any plans for tomorrow night?" He purred as he played with her hair.  
  
Buffy's eyes were closed as she enjoyed his attentions. "Mmm..well, the gang is coming over for movies. But I think I could be persuaded to cut out early. If you had something in mind. Hopefully something that involved more kissing..."  
  
"That could be arranged. What time could you get away, you think?" He was now gently caressing her neck and throat.  
  
"Mmmm..maybe 9? I have to spend time with them too. This whole new 'getting my life back' kick involves much socializing, apparently. Not that I mind...it's nice being with everyone again."  
  
Spike leaned down and gave her a chaste kiss on her neck, right above her jugular. "I'll be here at 9 then. Wear something you can dance in."  
  
Buffy's eyes flew open. "What? Oh, no, I'll meet you. No big deal. You don't have to come all the way out here for me."  
  
"It's no bother, really. It's on the way to where we're going anyway."  
  
"Oh, um, I don't think...well, my friends, they don't know about us. I think maybe we should take this a little slower."  
  
"We *are* taking it slow, luv. I've been the perfect gentleman, haven't I?"  
  
"Oh, that. Yeah, I mean...I don't mean that kind of slow. I mean, with everyone knowing...They wouldn't be able to handle it. It's too much right now."  
  
"Oh? Too much like, 'you yanked me out of heaven' too much? Pet, if they can handle that, I think dating me will be peanuts."  
  
"Well, that's just it. They're still adjusting to *that* news. This might be a bit too much. Besides, I'm an adult, I can do what I want with who I want. They don't have any say in it."  
  
"Yeah, that's all well and good, pet. But I thought you'd have figured it by now. Secrets...not a good thing. They only lead to trouble."  
  
"It's not a secret! It's just...them not knowing. Really, I *will* tell them. I just need some time."  
  
"Fine. You have until 9pm tomorrow. I'll be here to pick you up. And if you're ashamed to be dating me, then maybe you shouldn't be." Spike could feel his dead heart skip a beat as he said that, desperately hoping she wouldn't agree with him.  
  
"Spike, please, don't. I'm not ready."  
  
Spike started off the porch. "9 o' clock, luv. I guess we'll find out then what this all is to you."  
  
As Spike walked away, it took all his will power not to run back to her and swear to be her secret as long as she wanted him. But he wasn't going to do that. He had his pride. Well, he had *some* pride. If he wanted something real with her, it had to start openly and honestly. He walked somberly home to see if he could garner a bit of comfort from his other girl.  
  
**  
  
TBC 


	27. Crushed

"Oh, come on, guys! How many John Hughes movies can we watch in one night?" Buffy sighed.  
  
"How much time do we have?! I thought this was going to be a movie-thon! We just finished Breakfast Club, and Ferris Bueller is up next! It's my favorite of his ouvre. Well, except for maybe Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. But come on, Ferris...Ah, I miss Ferris Matthew...Broadway Matthew is -"  
  
"Xander! Come on! I haven't been out to the Bronze since I got back. I know I promised you guys a movie night and we watched some...but I'm in the mood to go out! We can do movie night any time."  
  
"Well, except for that little ogre incident, the Bronze is pretty much always open too," Willow said.  
  
Anya sighed, "For the last time, Olaf was a troll, ok? You think I'd go through all that trouble to turn someone into an ogre? What kind of imagination does that take?!"  
  
"Ok, guys, doesn't matter. Ogre, troll, whatever. Let's just go to the Bronze already!"  
  
"Well, I guess so. Not really dressed for it, though," Willow looked at her self apprehensively.  
  
"No, you look great," Buffy smiled, happy people were warming up to her idea.  
  
"Um, well, ok. But let's wait for Tara. She's out of her evening class by now. She should be here in a few minutes. Nine at the latest."  
  
"NO! Let's leave her a note. She can meet us there."  
  
"Geez, Buff, what's the rush?" Xander frowned.  
  
"No rush. Just...anxious to get out there and shake my groove thang, ya know? It hasn't been shaken in a while...want to go see if it still works."  
  
"Buffy, trust me, you're groove thang is just fine." Xander was rewarded for his comment with a elbow to the side. "Ok, enough with the elbowing!"  
  
"What? You told me I should watch what I say. So I am. And instead of saying that I think you're a horny toad who shouldn't make such comments about his best friend, I elbow you." Anya smiled broadly. Xander sighed and shook his head. He took the empty popcorn bowl to the kitchen.  
  
"Come on, guys. Tara will understand! I'm sure she can identify with the call of the groove th-" Buffy was cut off by three sharp knocks on the front door. She froze, her eyes closed. If she could just be quiet, maybe it would go away. Unfortunately, she wasn't alone and her efforts at quiet were cut off by loud laughter. She turned slowly to see Xander doubled over, holding the front door open. He seemed to be having trouble catching his breath.  
  
"Oh, oh man. Oh, Buff, you gotta see this. Guys, come look!" Anya and Willow jumped up to see the cause of all the hilarity. Buffy didn't move. If she had, she would have seen Spike standing on her porch, decked out in clothes he probably recently liberated from a store. He was wearing tan slacks similar to those he had worn the first time he tried to woo her, but darker. He had a light gray t-shirt on with a light blue overshirt that made his eyes stand out more than usual. His hair was gel free and wavy. Buffy also missed his jaw clenching at a steady rate while he tried to look dignified.  
  
Willow frowned a bit. Anya smiled, appreciating the sight. Xander was now trying to dry his tears.  
  
"Oh, this is rich... whaddya want, deadboy?" Xander giggled uncontrollably looking at Spike.  
  
"I'm here to see Buffy," Spike said curtly.  
  
Buffy sighed. For a quick moment she both hated and pitied him. She had told him not to come. He was stubborn and did it anyway. She walked over in front of Xander, finally looking at Spike. Her heart melted at the sight. Flowers. He remembered the flowers. He held them out for her, trying to shove away his agitation.  
  
Buffy took a quick glance back at her bewildered friends and walked out on the porch, shutting the door. Spike's hand dropped.  
  
"Spike...I told you I wasn't-"  
  
"Right. Fine." Spike dropped the flowers on the porch and turned to go. "I guess now we know," he called over his shoulder.  
  
As Buffy stood on the porch watching him and his sexy, wavy hair get further and further away, a car pulled into the driveway. Tara got out and walked up to Buffy. "I think I just saw Spike walking down the road. He looked pretty good. I mean, I'm not a good judge of those things, but I think he looked good. Mad too."  
  
Buffy nodded. "Yeah. On both accounts." She turned and opened the door, letting Tara go in first.  
  
"Ok, what was *that*?" Xander pounced as soon as Buffy was in the door.  
  
She shook her head. "Oh...you know Spike..."  
  
"Yeah, well that was weird. Though I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. So anyway, Tara's here. Are we off to Bronze it?"  
  
Tara frowned. "No funny 80's movies?"  
  
Willow shrugged. "We watched a couple. But now Buffy wants to shake her stuff out on the dance floor. And she, being the most recently dead among us, gets to pick. We're following her bliss tonight!" Everyone looked at her oddly. She blushed. "What? Too soon for dead jokes?"  
  
"No, it's fine, Willow. Jokes are good. Dead jokes even better! I think I could use some laughter right about now." Everyone looked at each other, unsure of what to make of Buffy's sudden blue mood.  
  
"Ah, Spike. He's always ruining things. Come on, I think the Bronze will do you good!" Xander patted Buffy on the back. She nodded a little and went to freshen up.  
  
**  
  
Spike had been walking for about 5 minutes when he decided he'd better unclench his jaw if he didn't want to break a tooth. "She did it! I can't believe...after all that talk...'Oh, Spike, you make me feel so warm inside. Oh, Spike, I want to go on a date with you. Oh, Spike, I want to make love to you. But, oh, Spike, don't tell my friends. Because God forbid they know you make me happy.' Soddin' woman!" Spike made a decision to find the nearest bar and drink himself into oblivion. He knew she'd still be haunting his thoughts, but at least the thoughts would be fuzzy and he might not remember them in the morning.  
  
**  
  
TBC 


	28. Truth and Consequences

By the time they reached the Bronze, Buffy's mood had not brightened. Xander tried all the best 'dead' jokes he could think of, but to no avail. As soon as they walked in, she spotted him. And he sensed her. He was slumped at the bar and when he saw her he frowned and looked away. Buffy's face got even gloomier, if that was possible. The rest of the gang didn't notice Spike, and Buffy didn't mention him.  
  
"Come on, ladies. Let the man of the group stalk a suitable table, so that you might sit and partake of it's sturdiness. Oh, there's one. Not too close to the speakers." They all headed over and took seats around a small table.  
  
"So, Buffy, shall we go test that groove thang of yours? See if it's in proper working order?!" Willow beamed. Buffy nodded mutely.  
  
"Buff, what's up? First you were all 'go Bronze', but now you're all...'blah...Bronze'. I thought this was what you wanted. Getting busy with the happy. Cuz, you haven't really had much recently.."  
  
Buffy looked up at Xander, then around the table at the curious faces of her friends. "I *do* want to be happy. You guys understand that, don't you?" Hesitant nods all around. "And *you* want me to be happy too, don't you?" Nods again, more vigorously. Buffy took a deep breath. "Good, because there is something that would make me very happy. Something I'm not sure you guys will understand or...support. But if there's one thing I've learned recently, it's I have to be honest with you guys. You guys will always love me, no matter what. I know that."  
  
Willow frowned a bit. "Of course we will, Buffy..What's this all about anyway?"  
  
Buffy stood up. "You'll find out very soon." She started off toward the bar.  
  
"Uh, where ya going?" Xander called.  
  
"To follow my bliss!" Buffy called back. She snaked her way through the dance floor to the bar. She turned to look at her friends, but they were hidden by the writhing couples. 'Probably for the best right now.'  
  
She took a deep breath and reached out her hand to tap Spike on the shoulder. Before she could, he said, "'S not where the knife is, ya know. If you're here to twist it some more, I mean..."  
  
"Ok, I totally deserved that." Buffy sat on the stool next to him.  
  
"Pfft...ya think so? What do you want? Wanna go outside for a little make out session where your friends can't see us?" He gave her a cold glare.  
  
"No, I came to apologize." She put her hand on his arm. He pulled it away from her.  
  
"Don't need your bleedin' apologies, pet. Need to be alone. Need to finish that bottle of bourbon on that shelf. Need to find a different bar. But I don't need your 'sorrys'."  
  
"Fine. Why did I think this was going to be easy?" Buffy grabbed Spike's arm and pulled him off the stool.  
  
"What the bloody fuck you think you're doin'? I'm here, minding my own business. I didn't ask you and your little crew to show up. Let a guy get drunk in peace, Slayer." Buffy bristled at how cold he said 'slayer.'  
  
She shook her head. "Sorry, not this time. I messed this up and I'm going to fix it. Now." She dragged him through the dance floor. Spike tried to pull away, but he was a tad bit disoriented and her strength was no match for his lack of coordination.  
  
When they reached the table, the Scoobies gawked at Spike. Spike gawked at Buffy. Buffy took yet another deep breath.  
  
"Ok, guys. I need to do this. I made a big mistake tonight with Spike. Because of you. Not that it's your fault, It's mine. Because I didn't have faith in you and our friendships. Because I thought you might reject me if I told you...Spike and I are dating. Recently, I mean. I mean, we started dating recently. It's not like I've been going around hiding it. But well, I was kind of scared when he came over tonight and I spazzed. I wasn't ready to tell you guys, but I know now it is stupid to wait. It would only be worse if you found out later. So, Spike and I are...together, kinda. We're...expanding our friendship, I guess. We're going slow..." Buffy stopped talking when she saw that everyone was stunned in their own little way.  
  
Xander turned red. Anya looked a bit confused. Willow was chewing on her lip. Tara was looking down at the table, a hint of a smile on her face. Ok, so maybe she wasn't stunned. Spike just tilted his head at Buffy and had a look of awe on his face. Awe and a bit of foggy drunkenness.  
  
Finally, Xander spoke, as Buffy knew he would. "Buff...you can't be serious. I mean...Spike? Do you even...Spike! It's...does anyone else see that this is Spike?"  
  
"Yeah, Buffy, I mean, no offense Spike, but...is this really...a good thing? He is kinda evil and dead and soulless...not that I don't like you, Spike, but..well.." Willow frowned some more and wrung a napkin to death.  
  
Tara looked up at Buffy and spoke quietly. "I think if this is what makes you happy, then I'm happy for you. A little while ago, you wanted to...kill yourself. If Spike makes you want to hang around, I can't see how that's bad." She turned red and looked down at the table again.  
  
Buffy smiled. "Thanks, Tara. And it's not just Spike. You all make me want to live again. To really live. I love you guys so much. That's why I was scared of this. I know you guys don't like it. Or even like Spike. I can accept that. I won't force you to like him. But I need you guys to accept that I'm testing the waters here. Trying to find my happy, Xan." She looked at Xander.  
  
Xander nodded. "I know, Buff, but...ok, ok, you're right. We still love you and will...deal with whatever you're dating." Xander stood and looked at Spike. "But so help me, if you hurt her in any way, you will answer to me."  
  
Spike smirked for a beat, then just nodded at Xander.  
  
"Oh, I think this is going to be great! We can have a straight couple to double date with. Not that you guys aren't fun," Anya looked at the wiccans, "but you don't really get the sexual references I make."  
  
"Hey! I was straight for a while. I get the references!" Willow defended. Tara frowned at her. "But, uh, I forgot it all...so yeah, probably not really up on the straight sexual references..."  
  
"Anya, first of all, we're not double dating with Buffy and...Spike. I draw the line somewhere. And second of all, the sexual references are not for *any*one, straight or gay. They're not for public discussion..."  
  
As Xander and Anya argued and Willow and Tara watched them with some fascination, Buffy pulled Spike out on the dance floor. She wrapped her arms around his waist and he pulled her close. "So, you mentioned dancing. This what you had in mind?" She gestured at the environment.  
  
Spike chuckled. "Well, basically, yeah. With a little less confrontation and a little more kissing..." Spike winked as he lowered his head for said smooching. Buffy stood on her toes as she put her arms around his neck. They swayed to the music for a while, still kissing, oblivious when the music had stopped. It hadn't stopped for them, and Buffy hoped it wouldn't for a long time.  
  
**  
  
The End  
  
Ok, truth to tell, there will be a sequel, but I thought it better to break it up for ease of reading! Hope you like! Check out the sequel "Through the Barricades." 


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